Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I have a friend who emotionally drains me by constantly e-mailing that I have offended her or made her feel  bad.  Now I have to walk on eggshells.  Should I say something or just let it be?

Answer:

If you consider walking on eggshells a sport and the challenge is enticing, you shouldn’t say something.  If you take no action and behave as if everything is fine, your friend will not respect your boundaries.  Some people do tolerate disrespect (and she is disrespecting you whether she knows it or not) but it can generate resentment in you.  Even when a friend is aware that his/her behaviors distress others, he may not be motivated to change for some personal reason that may or may not involve you. Ask.

Question: I’m a young woman with confidence about many things.  My flaws though eat me alive.   The current conflict is:  I am considering  having plastic surgery and my boyfriend disagrees.  If everybody disagrees with the surgery, and I’m the only one who wants it, should I go through with it?

Answer:

You need to do more research including asking for more input from the people who matter to you.  “I disagree” is not a complete answer.  Once you learn the reasons others disagree you will be able to make a more educated decision.

Question: I need to speak up to my boss who “barks” at me constantly.  She does it in front of others as well.  It’s rude and disrespectful.  How should I approach this?

Answer:

Unlike your boss, do not speak up in front of others, at least not initially.  Ask for a private moment and say you wonder if you are doing something that is offensive.  You may well get:  “No, why do you ask?”  Then you can give an example and share that the reaction seems exasperated or annoyed.  If that is denied, simply thank the boss for his/her time and wait for a change.  Since your boss is testing whether you will tolerate disrespect, you will have discreetly announced you are not.  If there is no change you may, the next time it happens in front of others,  respectfully say:   “There is an example.”

Question: I am so sick and tired of office BS.  I don’t understand why people throw one another under the bus all the time.  How do I talk to those who I know have ratted me out?

Answer:

Office dynamics can be tricky business.  Rather than speaking to individuals about what you think they have said about you, switch to a positive approach and suggest  the topic of team work and team perspective for an office meeting.  If there are specific incidents involving you and you are positive of the facts, you could casually mention your concerns to the individual.  Something like:  “I’m concerned about what I suppose is a mis-perception…”   Give the person a way to save face while saying you won’t participate in the office BS.

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Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I’m extremely passive when it comes to my relationship with my mother.  She is always making decisions and planning things for me.  I have trouble saying no, so I end up doing things I don’t want to do.  For example, I take my niece and nephew on my vacation,  go to a party with her, run an errand for her.  I don’t live at home and I am a grown woman.  I need my time and can make my own decisions.  How can I approach this without hurting her feelings and stand my ground?

Answer:

Since a stumbling block for you is hurting someone’s feelings (your mother’s in this case, but most likely those of any close relationship), preface what you have to say with: “My intent is not to hurt your feelings and I’m worried this may, but I need to tell you…” You are not in charge of other peoples feelings – as long as you are respectful in what you say and present it with sensitivity, you’ve done all you can do.  Remember, hurt feelings are part of the emotional spectrum of life.  How can a person appreciate the good without ever knowing the bad?

Do you suppose your mother is not aware that she oversteps your personal boundaries?

Ask your mother when it will be a good time to talk; say that there are several concerns to discuss.  If you think she may react immaturely,  invite her out for dinner where she will be able to manage her reaction more appropriately.  Whether she has intended to or not, she is being manipulative.  Whether you have been accepting of it or not, you have allowed it.  Time to make your relationship with her healthier.

Question:

I have noticed lately that I am being negative.  When I have a conversation with friends and family and it comes to a topic involving opinions I point out the negative right away.  I also had a friend tell me that I am not joining the conversation, I’m pointing out the negative as if I’m “right.”  I’m being oppositional.  How can I change this behavior?

Answer:

Most often people who frequently use negativity, are sarcastic, caustic, or oppositional (all of which can be passive aggressive behavior) are harboring anger.  If this is a new behavior for you, explore what could be causing your anger and negativity.  That is the way to change your behavior.  If there is a cause you can point to, address the circumstances.

If there are not current situations to explain negativism, you may have reached a point in life that unresolved childhood experiences about which you are not consciously aware are surfacing.  In this case, explore it with a trusted friend or do some counseling on the subject.

Question:

What are some steps I could take to ease the pain and be able to move forward after the loss of a loved one?

Answer:

Oh, I wish there were a simple answer.  Grieving a death can be a challenging journey.  There are stages and phases, not all necessarily experienced and not necessarily in a particular order.  You will serve yourself best to take it slow – be very wary of trying to avoid the process.  Grieving is a part of being human – we learn and grow through it.

Here are some helpful basics:

•  Be kind to yourself – don’t push too hard to act as though “everything’s fine.”
•  Allow plenty of time to experience the anguish (that is, don’t bottle it up).  This can mean, put on an act in public, but as soon as circumstances permit return to the thoughts and feelings.
• Talk – to others who are grieving, to friends.  Join a bereavement group.
• Add up-beat activities to your daily schedule.
• Write or journal about your loved one; even write to the person.  Some people find it helpful to write the loved one’s response back.

Remember that time is healing and you will “return to yourself.”

Question:

I found out that my mother is having an affair.  Do I get involved?  If so, what do I even do?  I’m an adult and not living at home, but still feel like I should probably say something.

Answer:

Acknowledging to your mother that you are aware of her affair depends on the purpose to be served, the kind of relationship you currently have with her and the kind of relationship you want with her in the future.

Ask yourself these questions:   Would your mother be angry that her secret isn’t solid?  Would she be relieved she doesn’t have to “put on an act” with you?  Are you trying to influence her or simply be there for her?

Affairs are first and foremost about the participants’ marriages.  In the healthiest of circumstances an individual tempted by an affair first considers what needs are not being met by her/his spouse.  That is the beginning place to work if your mother were so inclined – in counseling it’s called relationship counseling – it’s not marriage counseling, not divorce counseling.

The fact that you care is a positive statement in itself – perhaps just saying that to your mom would help determine if anything else needs to be spoken.

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Catherine Bridwell

QUESTION: I am a full-time waitress in a restaurant.  I feel my boss constantly takes advantage of me by putting me on the work schedule without conferring.  I have regular set days to work but I’m added on other days including my day off and holidays.  The problem is I can’t say no, because I feel guilty I never get holidays off.  How do I approach my boss?

It is not uncommon to anticipate the feeling of guilt if you feel uncomfortable saying no.  Remember you are able to say it – it’s just a word.  Some people speak in a manner intended to trigger guilt – usually to accomplish something they know is not quite right.  This is a type of manipulation.  Experiencing guilt in those circumstances is a learned reaction to someone or situations in childhood.

Ex.:  A mom says to her ten year old:  “If you don’t fold that laundry, your poor, tired mother will have to.”  The child folds the clothes to avoid feeling guilty (not because he wants to be helpful, which he may).
As an adult you may experience guilt because you are being manipulated.  Your boss has tuned in to your passivity about avoiding guilt.

The workplace can be tricky.  And dealing with bosses even more so.  This person is in a position of authority over you, and your income may be on the line.  Try telling your boss that you want to be clear on the scheduling procedures;  that you realize you have operated in the past with no objections, but now you need to be part of the process.  You could thank your boss for scheduling the extra shifts, for the extra income, but remember a few one-liners for the day your boss tries to manipulate you again:

“I wish I could work that day, but I’ve planned something else.”

“I’m sorry to say, that holiday I’ll be………’

A book or a course in assertiveness training could be really helpful, too.

QUESTION: I feel agitated all the time and lately I’m annoyed just being asked a question.  It’s not that time of the month either.  I’m not sure how to pinpoint why I’m so annoyed by everybody lately.  It’s been going on for about three weeks.

You’re on the right track by asking yourself why you’re always annoyed lately.  You can only address what’s going on when you can say what it is.  Since no answers of explanation are easily forthcoming, it is something outside your conscious thinking.  Try free-associating:  start a sentence with the fact you know – “lately I’m always annoyed”, add the word “because” and finish the sentence.  It may take many tries to bring into conscious thought the answer(s).

Another approach is to ask a very close friend for his/her ideas about what could be keeping you on the edge.  Often, friends able to be more objective.

Annoyance is a kind of anger.  You may not be looking for an event but for an accumulation of situations that, taken together, are having an effect that if experienced one at a time would not be bothersome. Figuring it out, having a label for it, will relieve the intensity and put you in the position of deciding what, if anything, to do about it.

QUESTION: I broke up with my boyfriend after dating for over ten years.  We had an on-again-off-again relationship.  Do I need to cut all communications to really move on?  He texts me and I don’t want to get in the same routine of try it again, break up, etc.  I also don’t want to be rude by ignoring him.  Any advice?

A ten-year relationship is significant and deserves to be openly and honestly discussed before decisions about the future are made.  Since there is a well-defined pattern of on-and-off, that pattern could be the first subject to consider.

It sounds like you’re not completely sure what you want:  to be with this man or not.  Ask yourself what you need to be different and then be forthright in telling your boyfriend.  My guess is that you highly value the relationship (it’s been important to you for ten years) but not if the game playing pattern cannot be changed.

Talk to him.  If you both want to try again, spell out and agree to the behaviors that have to be addressed. This could be the beginning point for some concentrated work.  It might also be the concluding of the relationship.  It’s not rude to not respond when you have clearly stated your intensions (including that there will be no communication); it is simply being true to yourself and to your word.

QUESTION: I have a co-worker who doesn’t shut up.  Talks and talks and talks.  Everybody complains, but nobody says anything.  I am really horrible when it comes to approaching a situation like this. I’m just not good.  Any thoughts on how to handle this?

The Talker must put out some unspoken warning about being unapproachable, otherwise “everybody” would not have a problem setting appropriate boundaries.  If you are going to be the only one addressing this, you could try using work as the reason to not engage. Try something like,  “I’m sorry. Were you speaking to me? I wasn’t listening. I’m really trying to finish this up.”

If you and your co-workers are friends outside the workplace, you might discuss the problem as a group and try to create a probable solution.  If all attempts fall on deaf ears, you may need to involve you HR professional.

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Question: I recently found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant, but she told me via e-mail.  I am really annoyed and upset by this. I did call back to congratulate via phone, but she never answers the phone so I had to do it over voice message.  Should I even bother to mention it to her?

Answer: Yes, of course you should mention that email seems way too impersonal for such wonderful news.  The fact that your friend never answers her phone is a clue about her comfort level with distance in her relationships.  The best you can do is extend yourself with a statement about wanting to share this fabulous event and note her response.  She may be appreciative and want to share in a more personal way or she may keep the distance.  You will have done all you have the power to do.

Question: How do I tell my husband I need more emotional affection? I drop hints all the time and I have mentioned it in the past, but he's not getting it.

Answer: It may be time for more than hint dropping.  Tell your husband you need to talk about something that is bothering you in hopes it will be positive for you both and for your marriage.  If he is not inclined to have that kind of discussion, then the first step will be to address the fact that direct communication in your most important relationship needs help.  There are many good self-help books on communication styles and skills – perhaps you both could read one and talk about it.  If you are the only partner inclined to work toward a higher level of comfort in communicating, do it.  When one partner changes, the other does, too, because the old patterns no longer exist.

Question: I share an office space with a guy who is extremely nosy.  Every so often when I turn around, he is staring at my screen.  He always has to have a comment when passing my desk.  I just like to be alone and focus on my work.  How do I tell him that?  I don't want to small talk with him.

Answer: It is a challenge to monitor and manage the aggravation caused by a nosy, chatty neighbor; hopefully he’s not aware of your reaction and will readily stop when asked. Before deciding on an approach, give thought to what you think his purpose is.  If you think he is simply curious and social, then respectfully saying:  “I lose my train of thought when you . . . .  Let’s decide on silence until break time . . . .”  If you suspect he is purposely trying to aggravate you, you can ask him not to peruse your screen, not to comment as he walks by . . . .  If he doesn’t stop, tell him a second time and add, politely, that you really don’t want to have to take this matter elsewhere (HR/a supervisor).  Try your best to burn no bridges, and good luck.

Question: I have many friends who are getting married and/or having all their kids.  I just started to feel left out and feeling that anxiety of being alone.  I want to get married and am stressing that I am getting older and time is running out for me to have kids.  I will be 32 soon and dating a guy for a few years.  We talk about marriage, but nothing heavy.  He is older as well, but seems to be in no rush.  What do I do?  I would never give him a deadline, but internally I feel that if I don't think engagement is coming, maybe I should move on….

Answer: It sounds like you are ready to have those heavier talks about marriage – tell him that and begin a deeper exploration of your commitment to each other.  Do be sure your friends’ marrying and having children is not your motivation to marry this man.  If he is not the right one for you, you have plenty of time to date and pursue a wonderful match.  Women are having first children as late as their early 40s now.  The first step is finding the right man to be your husband.

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Question:

Everybody says to follow your gut on decisions, but what is that feeling?  How do you know if it’s your gut telling you?  Are there signs?

Answer:

“Follow your gut” is an expression that means do what intuitively seems best.  Intuition is the sense (it’s not conscious problem solving) of the right course of action to take.  Unlike an impulse, which is the urge to ACT without rational thought, intuition offers an answer to a problem before action is taken.

Signs that your “gut” is speaking include an ah-ha moment: “yup, that’s what feels right”; lowered anxiety (which happens regardless of how a decision is reached; and unexpected clarity about the problem at hand.  You need to attend to the fact that your “gut” may be about what you wish you could do but it may not be the wise thing to do–that is the separation of what emotionally you want to do and what intellectually you know is best.

People learn to either trust their “gut” or not.  Experience is the teacher.

Question:

I found my father after 20 years.  I found out that I come from a huge family with a very diverse background.  How do I know that I am ready to meet him and the family? 

Answer:

Before plunging into a potentially highly emotional situation, get prepared as best you can.  Continue the mode of communication through which you found your father; learn everything you can about his current life and about the circumstances that separated you for 20 years.  Then move to a more personal mode of connecting: for example, from Facebook to personal emails or letters; then texts; phone calls; and finally face to face.  Ask many questions about the members of your extended family, ask for pictures.  You will know you are ready to meet him, and then, later, others when you have achieved a comfort level that includes trust.  If there are other people currently in your life who were involved in the reasons for separation, you may want to inform and/or involve them in your planning.

Question:

I live with my parents and they are financially suffering to pay their mortgage. I have helped tremendously, but they are still struggling. I do know that they are not being smart with their income.  Do I have any say or do I rather not say anything? Do I mind my business and focus on my own finances?

The answer to whether you speak to your parents about their spending practices depends on a couple of factors: first, your relationship with them and the openness of communication; and, second, your agreement with them about the financial help you have provided thus far.

If a direct conversation can be had, tell them your concern about their spending; perhaps offer to help them find a service to create a wise financial plan.  If their spending practices are an unapproachable subject (perhaps because they are aware of their avoidance of responsible planning), then you could simply say you are concerned.

Second, if your financial help has not been in the form of an agreement then what they do with the money would not be your business.  If your help has been specified (example:  pay off credit cards) and they are not using the gift for that purpose, it is your business to no longer enable their irresponsibility and you can respectfully say so.

You do, though, want to accomplish your mission without offending and without jeopardizing your relationship with them.  Perhaps beginning with “I am concerned about something and wonder if we can discuss it . . . .”

Good luck.

Question:

I've been noticing that I've been crying more recently.  It's about every two weeks that I break down in the car or in bed at night.  I'm not sure how to pinpoint as to what is really causing it.  Any suggestions?

You are right that something is weighing heavy and when you feel safe from observation (the car or in bed), it surfaces in the form of tears.  Ask yourself what for you brings tears (sadness, anger, exhaustion . . .).  Rather than a specific circumstance or experience, the crying may be about generalized experiences: dread about an upcoming change; or a situation you have acclimated to but haven’t fully emotionally processed (example, a divorce, a move, a job loss . . .). 

One way to pinpoint the reason for tears is to write the answer to several open ended statements related to the crying: 

Examples – When I’m in a safe environment, I feel . . . .
Over the past couple of months I felt . . . .
Then, take the information you have written and look for the explanations for those feelings.

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Question: I have an overwhelming fear of death. I think about it on a daily basis. It doesn't stop me from having fun or affect my life, but I haven't told anyone about my fear. I think about my own death, parents, or friends. Sometimes I will get so emotional I will start to cry. I picture myself in a coffin, underground, away from my friends and family…my life has ended. There are no more girl’s nights out or hugs from my loved ones. I am in search of a religion to believe in life after death, but right now I just think everything goes black. My existence will eventually be forgotten. How can I get over or cope with my fear of death?

Answer: An overwhelming fear that is powerful enough to cause daily thoughts and can bring you to tears is important enough to affect your life dramatically as time goes on.  The fear of death may be about more than the fact that this life does eventually end; no insurance policies, no last minute bargaining, or exceptions. It may be about other fears that are not as concrete and have not surfaced in your conscious thoughts – perhaps about life traumas, crises, and the grieving process…It may include your level of comfort taking risks or accommodating distressing situations.
 
If the fear is limited to that of death and what that means, you're on a good track exploring theological and religious teachings.  You could also discuss the subject with respected friends and relatives; especially those who have more years under their belts and who have experience with adversity/hardship.
 
If your experience of fear is about more than life's ending, begin to take note of other circumstances and situations that trigger it. Once you can separate and can label what is causing the thoughts, the worry, the dread, you can move into problem-solving mode. You might decide to expose yourself in small doses to the circumstance triggering the emotion. Or you could decide to learn more about it.  You may even learn that once you've put yourself in the dreaded situation that it doesn't merit all that worry after all.
 
Searching for the meaning of life (and its end) has been a much explored subject for eons. Your fear(s) may lead you on a journey that proves gratifying.
 
 
Question: How do I start to accept that my divorce is final?
 
Answer: Accepting your divorce is final, regardless of who initiated it and its circumstances, is a process akin to adjusting to the death of a loved one.  There is no recipe – each person experiences it uniquely.  Divorce is a death in many ways.  It is the end of a relationship that most people enter with no serious thought to its ending in divorce.  It is the death of an anticipated life.  It can be a process more arduous than adjusting to the loss of a loved one because remaining connected to the former spouse may be required (co-parenting, same community,).
 
If you are in the initial phase of acclimating (usually the first months after the divorce is final), and you have to be in touch with your "X" make the contacts as structured as possible.  For example, decide on where, when and how to deliver and return children for visitation.  Decide ahead of the situation arising what will be in your best interest in accepting/declining invitations to events at which you "X" might be present.  Ask a friend to read highly distressing communications and give you the gist before delving in yourself.
 
Consciously move forward into new situations – taking especially good care of your own needs. And keep in mind that time is healing. Once you've taken all the self-protective steps you can fathom, lean on the fact that time will play its healing role. 
 

Question: I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend that I went out to dinner with an old friend from years ago.  He and I were always just friends. My boyfriend never shows signs of jealousy, so that isn't the issue. I just rather not share it.  Is that wrong?  Nothing happened, I even paid my half for dinner and we spoke about my boyfriend and his relationships, etc. Just like friends.

Since jealousy is not the issue; what is the issue?  The first step in understanding emotions (your discomfort/your fear) is to figure out specifically what is causing the feeling.  Once that is known you can decide what action is appropriate; including the decision to take no action at the moment.
 
So, is your boyfriend controlling?  Is he insecure?  Do you feel badly about not telling him about the dinner ahead of time?  Or, do you need some independence in your relationship with him?  Ask yourself these and other questions until you have a solid sense of the underlying cause of dreading sharing the fact that you had dinner with a good friend.   Hopefully you and your boyfriend will learn more about each other through this experience.
 
 
Question: How do I stop my emotional eating?  I have been doing it for years and have tried other things.  I always go to food when I am stressed, depressed, or nervous.
 
Answer: Emotional eating is not uncommon. There are general and simplified explanations for it and there are specific and complicated ones.  Anxiety is the reason people eat to assuage emotions.  Simply stated: anxiety is the physical experience of stress, nervousness, depression.  Anxiety is relieved when a person chews, salivates and swallows.  So, the first step in conquering emotional eating is to be as specific as possible about the cause of the anxiety. Then you can decide how to best monitor and manage the anxiety rather than attempting to make it disappear by chewing, salivating and swallowing.
 
Emotional eating can become a habit and have its own engine even when there is no elevated anxiety.  So breaking the habit may be part of the goal of addressing emotional eating. Once you have a sense of what is causing stress, nervousness or depression you decide what can be done to better manage it.  If "just tolerate it" is the only path, substitute healthier behaviors than eating, eliminates the availability of the culprit goodies, solicit friends to be coaches, put a huge amount of money in the food bank jar every time you slip………
 
There are many self-help books on this subject.  You could start there and if the emotional eating doesn't subside, consult a counselor, attend an overeaters group, and talk to a nutritionist.  Asking the questions is the first step and you've already done that. Forward.

Do you have any questions?  E-mail them here and we'll answer them as soon as we can.  Note: We do not use last names! E-mail: Contactus@identitymagazine.net

Question: How can I stop sabotaging my own success when it comes to making money?

Answer: This is a several step process, but recognizing that you've been self-sabotaging is a major first step.  Now, take a look back at those past episodes of self-sabotage, identifying how you undermined yourself.  For example, "Told off my boss after what I perceived to be a mediocre annual review."  "Slipped straight back into credit card debt as soon as I'd paid off my balance."  The next time you're tempted to tell off your boss or put a balance back on your credit card, a mental warning light should go on.  Hopefully this will keep you from repeating those past mistakes and also increase your vigilance in avoiding new types of self-sabatoge.

After addressing self-sabotage on this practcal level, the next step could be to consider why you were doing this to yourself in the first place.  It may have been the manifestation of a fear of success, self-loathing, simple self-indulgence, or any number of other reasons.  You may also find that whatever it is manifests itself in arenas of your life other than financial. Now you've begun the process of changing a destructive pattern.  Yeah:  keep going.

Question: What is the quickest way to become and remain happy throughout life? How do I find what will make me happy?

Answer: The quickest way to everlasting happiness is a question philosophers, theologians, sociologists, psychologists, gurus, medicinemen ( and scads of others) have pondered for eons. There is even a field of study in psychology dedicated to the understanding of happiness. You can earn a graduate degree in happiness and be a scholar of the scientific literature on happiness but still there is no guarentee of personal happiness. That leads to your second and more easily tackled question – what will make YOU happy?

OK, let's begin with basics: how do YOU define happiness? Do you mean "content"? Do you mean always feeling "upbeat"? Do you mean being confident that you'll handle life's ups and downs with assurance and wisdom?

Write your own definition; make it broad enough to encompass phases of life and personal philosphies. Be reasistic and include measurable outcomes for managing challenges and hardship.To get you started answer this: do you believe you'd be happy if life were a party – if there were no hard times? If so, how would you define happiness?

The answer, YOUR answer, will be your own definition complete with the recognition of what you want and need for a healthy day-to-day balance. If you reach bliss, let the rest of us know.

Question: How can I come to terms with being the only member of my immediate family (father, mother, sibs) and not feel like I've been abandoned by those who died and/or feel like an adult orphan? ETC.

Answer: There is a never-to-be duplicated loss when all the members of your family-of-origin are deceased. In the dictionary definition, you are an orphan. The key word though in your question is "abandoned". Perhaps the needs that were met by parents and siblings are not being addressed by children and grandchildren. Give thought to what those needs are ("no one takes care of me – I'm always the nurturer," or "there's no one to laugh and reminese with about times gone by"….) Once you can label those unmet needs you can reach out to younger relatives and friends – it won't be precisely the same, but the feelings of abandonment should diminish.

Question: When will I stop having these horrendous nightmares over being sexually assaulted?

Answer: Dreams are very often the unconscious part of your brain attempting to come to grips wtih unresolved emotional issues. Sexual assault is assuredly an emotional trauma. Your horrendous nightmares are about resolving that trauma; about finding psychological balance. You can't change the facts but you can work on processing and thereby neutralizing the trauma, but it needs to be done on a conscious level. Often support groups dedicated to the issues of abuse and assualt are very helpful settings through which relolution can be accomplished. Ask your physician, call a hotline, research on the internet for resources to locate a support group. You've already begun the work by asking for help. Keep going – you're doing it.

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