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Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:

I met a guy about two months ago at my best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party. He seemed pretty cool (not to mention he’s cute and has a great body). We had a good conversation and he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now we’ve been texting each other ever since. He sent me a text message inviting me to meet for drinks. I decided to go and I had such a good time talking to him that one thing just led to another and we had sex. But now this seems to be the routine where he’ll text me, we meet up for drinks and then we end up having sex. It’s either his apartment or mine (whichever is closer). I love spending time with him and the sex is great. I just want to know, why haven’t we gone on a real date? And what can I do to make that happen? – Tanya, 34

Answer:

I know this is hard to hear, but you’re a “booty text” to him. When you meet him for drinks, that’s just the way he sets up the mood to seduce you. Ladies, when we do this to ourselves, all I can say is, don’t hate the “player,” hate the game, because that’s what he’s running on you: game. He sees no reason to step up his game to impress you, since you gave up a huge chunk of your mystery the first time you both met up for drinks. You already gave him the green light to continue this behavior and require nothing from him to earn your time, or the benefits that come with it. Trust me, I understand that you really like him, but that is the sole reason you need to slow your roll with this guy.

Basically, those are the reasons that you have not gone on a real date with this guy. You need to understand if you were interested in really dating this guy or any other guy for that matter, only communicating via text and consistently accepting invites only to meet for drinks is not the way to go. Since his needs are being met, he’s just not going to change or complain. Hey, I wouldn’t, Would you?

To answer your second question, you need to ask a good friend or a trusted colleague to set you up on date or go out and meet someone else. You really need to remember that there are other fish in the sea and break this routine, because something tells me this is a pattern for you with men. 
Also, when he sends you a text to meet up, don’t respond right away. When you do, text him “thanks, but I have a date tonight.” And make sure that you do! Don’t sit at home wishing you could be with him. You should be out with some friends or on a real date (with someone else). If he texts you the rest of the evening and asks you to meet him later that night (and I bet he will), ignore all the messages. You need to teach him that a man who takes you on a real date gets your full attention (while you maintain the mystery). He’s already had too much of your time. Raise your standards, before he turns YOU down for a “booty text” for a woman he asked on a real date.

Question:

After five years of casual dating, I have finally met a guy that I feel is right for me. I’ve been dating him exclusively for over two-and-a-half months (which is a HUGE change for me). He’s a great guy and it’s been really cool getting to know each other. We’re both really attracted to each other and FINALLY had sex last week (Hey, I even bought condoms all on my own that night!) He seemed intrigued… Yesterday, we met for lunch where he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. But I started to think about my single past and all the casual sex I had. It wasn’t anything really crazy. I was just single for such a long time! I wonder how he would feel about it. I don’t want to lose him by lying. I want to be honest with him. What should do? Do you think I should tell him about my past? Or should I keep those things to myself? – Joanne, 29

Answer:

First and foremost, I think everything about how you approached this new relationship is fantastic! It has a great flow that seems to have worked quite well for the both of you. In fact, you bought a box of condoms the first time you had sex with him and a week later he asked you to be his girlfriend…HELLO! Why are you conjuring up ways to self-sabotage? The first thing you should do is tell yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. You need to understand that and from what I have read about this guy, he knows who you are and he is into it all. This is why he chose to be in a committed relationship with you.

Sometimes our past can be a right of passage to discover who we are and what we want in love. Hey, your path led you to a great guy. I don’t recommend that you fill him in about the details of your casual sex life (unless you had sex with his best friend or a relative, then you should tell him). It’s not like you were pretending to be a virgin! You can tell him about your last committed relationship, but those sexual experiences are best kept private. Men don’t want to hear stories of their girlfriend having sex with another man (that’s not a picture they want in their heads).
 Overall, you do not have to lie to him or be someone you’re not. However, you are entitled to your privacy and he should respect this about you. You should respect yourself enough to know that you deserve it. Remember, you are still getting to know each other.

What I would recommend to you is what I tell all sexually active women (single or in a relationship), please keep using latex condoms. Also, tell your new boyfriend that you want to get tested together for STD/HIV/AIDS (now and three months after) just to know each other’s status. It’s a great way to show respect for each other. The most important thing for the both of you is to be safe. After all he’s got a past too.

Question:

I’ve been dating a guy for about four weeks. He’s a very successful lawyer and works long hours. He’s not the best looking guy, but he’s really nice to me. We’ve been having sex since the third date and it has been really awkward. I don’t know, it’s just not working for me. But I gave it another try on our last date, because I thought it might get better. This time I was nervous, because I just wanted to get it over with and I didn’t want him to notice. We’ve already gone on seven dates and I am going out with him next weekend. He’s been flirting with me sexually and I am so not into it. How can I tell him the sex is bad? What should I say? –Beth, 25

Answer:

Let’s put the bad sex aside for a second. I am going to rip off the band-aid with this scenario. Why are you dating this guy? You don’t seem to be attracted to him! In fact, I am pretty sure that is why the sex is so awkward. I’m sure if you were attracted to him that you would have already taken some initiative during the sex. The first thing that you mentioned was his successful career as a lawyer, then you put down his looks, yet he has spent just about two days per week of his free time with you! And now you have plans to see him again? Why are you torturing yourself?

What scares me about this scenario right now is that I think you would marry this guy (if given the opportunity) just because he’s a lawyer! And you know you would be miserable, emotionally and sexually. This poor guy is genuinely interested in you and you’re only with him for his career status! You need to do some soul searching to figure out why you’re so infatuated with his career instead of the person on the inside.
 I highly recommend that you cancel your date this weekend and ask him to meet you for coffee. When you meet with him in your most compassionate voice say this:

“I think you’re great guy and I’ve had a wonderful time getting to know you. But I need to be honest with you. I really don’t feel a connection between us. I think that it would be best if we stop seeing each other. I am really sorry. But I know you deserve a woman in your life that feels the same way you do about her and I don’t want to get in the way of you meeting her.”

Then let him speak and when he’s done tell him that you have to go, give him a kiss on the cheek, then leave. Ladies, this is the truth. Just like I would advise a woman to leave a man that is wasting her time, I believe a woman should show a man the same respect and stop taking the space reserved for his dream girl.

Question:

Do most, some, or very few women orgasm without direct stimulation (self stim, male’s pubic bone) of the clitoris during love making? – Gail, 35

Answer:

Thank you so much for this question, Gail! I am happy to dispel a horrible myth regarding the female orgasm, which is, if a woman is unable to achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse she is not sexually mature or something is terribly wrong with her, because she cannot achieve an orgasm from “the mighty penis” alone (sarcastically speaking).

To answer you question, according to a national study conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine published in October, 2010, “Women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sexual acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included”. Furthermore, according to research conducted by Dr. Gail Saltz, “Only 20-percent of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone, most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.”

Basically, it is a proven fact, time and time, that women need variety within their sexual activity to achieve an orgasm. Remember, the best way to approach this is to educate your sexual partner on what helps stimulate your sexual arousal. Just have fun on the path to your orgasm together!

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

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Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  Do you think it’s strange that a guy I just met, lives an hour plus away and is now looking at places to live in my area? I didn’t ask him and we’ve been on two dates. Should I be worried he may be clingy? – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Before you become worried, ask him why he’s decided to move to your area. If you don’t ask, he won’t tell. It could be for work or for a better commute and everyday lifestyle. He may have been planning the move before he even met you. Unless he’s moving to your block and has indicated that it is to be closer to you, than I don’t see any worries. If you’re worried that he may be clingy, just be sure to limit the time you spend with him for now. However, when you are with him genuinely get to know him. Take things slow and maintain your own life (always).

QUESTION: How do you tell your boyfriend that you want to be intimate more often? I don’t want to put him down, but I want it more, and he doesn’t put the moves on enough! – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Great question! The best way to avoid intimidating a man about sex is to entertain him with sex.

Stop being a lady waiting to get laid and just put the moves on your man. Entice him by telling him how much you want him while touching him (instead of complaining about lack of sex). As I mentioned, he’ll be too turned on (entertained) to be intimidated.

QUESTION: When is too soon to move in with the guy you are dating? – Kelly 29, NJ

ANSWER:

First and foremost, I do not advise you to move in with a guy that you are “dating.” “Dating” is the period of time you should take to get to know the guy you’re interested in. You need to do this from separate homes and on dates with him. Before you consider such a serious commitment to change your lifestyle, the man you plan on moving in with should be in a mutually committed relationship (with you) or be your fiancé.

In other words, too soon is when there is no serious mutual commitment between you and the guy you are dating, coupled with a lack of sufficient time to get to know each other (and meet each others families). I recommend that you spend at least a year and a half doing this in order to be sure. After all, when you decide to move in with a man, you are taking your fabulous self off the market, so it is best to be sure that he doesn’t want to just “play house” instead of creating a real future together.

QUESTION: Do you have some key signs on how to know if your man is cheating on you? – Yvette 32, NY

ANSWER:

Good question. If you haven’t established trust in your relationship you will always be suspicious of your partner. Some signs of cheating are when your partner starts to change his routine while becoming secretive about his whereabouts, who he is spending time with and his phone calls. Also, if he has a lack of interest in your life and spending time with you. These signs can be a hint that he is hiding another lifestyle or relationship(s) from you.

Overall, it is important to understand that before jumping to any conclusions, be sure to have a heart to heart talk with your partner about the current state of your relationship. Ask him why he has been so distant and secretive. Remember to ask him if he is dating or having sex with another person. I know that the truth can hurt for a moment, but it can save you a lifetime of pain.

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Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. But, we don’t have oral sex. He wants me to let him give me oral sex. I feel really insecure about letting him do it to me. Why can I do to stop feeling this way about it? 

ANSWER:

Great question! First, I would like for you to ask yourself, “what exactly do I feel insecure about?” Is it the idea of him being completely up close and personal with my vagina? Some women are taught that when they start menstruating that their vaginas have officially become dirty. Please understand that your vagina is a self-cleaning machine, which follows a cycle like clockwork. “Or am I uncomfortable with receiving all the sexual attention?” Most women are taught to value and give of ourselves completely in our romantic relationships, yet we are not taught the value of receiving in them (especially when it comes to receiving sole pleasure in intimacy).

If you are having great sex with your boyfriend, oral sex can be a fun way to take it up a notch by trying something new that may add to YOUR pleasure. I recommend with any new sexual activity to prepare for pleasure. If you do decide to let him give you oral sex, have it at a time and place when you are comfortable and ready rather than when you feel pressured or too shy. Be sure to wax/shave, bathe and lotion up with your favorite (or his) fruit fragrance prior to engaging in oral sex. Hey, it’s fun to be irresistibly delicious! Feel free to include a game like Oral Sex Game for Her. This can help “break the ice” by both of you learning what feels good and what doesn’t to help your lover what to focus on for your pleasure. Remember to relax, breathe deeply and think to yourself “ I am delicious and I deserve to feel pleasure.”

QUESTION: Is it safe if I have sex with a guy without him wearing a condom during my period?

My question to you is what do you want to prevent? An unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection? Well either way, you still can get pregnant during your period. However, the chances would be less than during ovulation. Also, there is a higher chance of contracting an STI from your male partner, because during a woman’s period, her cervix naturally expands due to the blood passing out of it.

If a guy ejaculates inside of you without wearing a condom, and has any type of sexually transmitted infection (such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, etc.) it can be passed to you from his semen, which means you are at higher risk of contracting the infection. If you have HIV or a sexually transmitted infection, it will be carried through your menstrual blood in a higher concentration than in your vaginal secretions. And since there will be more blood around, you will have a higher risk of giving it to your male partner.

If you want to be safe get tested for any STI and make sure your partner does the same. The bottom line is that you need to use condoms until you and your sexual partner both have proof of a clean bill of sexual health. No exceptions!

QUESTION: I want to introduce my vibrator to sex with my boyfriend. How should I do it?

Most men are totally open for introducing the use of sex toys in the bedroom and will thank their lucky stars that they’ve found a woman who is confident enough to share this side of her sex life with them. However, since some guys may worry that your vibrator is making up for their shortcomings (no pun intended), it would be wise to make it clear that this is a sexual desire that you want to share with him rather than his competition. Because if there is another penis in the room (even if it is fake) that is what he will be thinking.

To put him at ease as well as entice him, you could say, “I want to show you something that really turns me on, and I hope you will like it too.” When you take it out remember to show him how you use it on yourself first! (A live porn session for his eyes only), then ask him to operate the controls during sex, so that he can feel like he’s participating in giving you pleasure. After a man sees how your vibrator is just an accessory from the “sex toolbox” rather than his understudy, then he’ll probably be cool with it.

QUESTION: I’ve been talking to a guy on Facebook chat and things got pretty HOT! How can I slow things down when we start dating in person?

Ah good old “cyber-courage” (the cousin of “liquid courage”) got you into a little naughty trouble. Technology has made it is so easy for us to go overboard with what begins as an innocent casual wink here and a “muah xoxo” there, when we are all safely nestled in our homes behind a computer screen. Chances are that this type of heavy flirtation can get someone “hot and bothered” for your first date by saying too much too soon. You are obviously not ready to take this to a sexual level, so I highly recommend that you have a talk with this guy about this online beforehand.

This is where “cyber-courage” comes in handy. The online chat will clear the air of any tension (sexual or otherwise) for you both before meeting in person. During your chat be sure to keep your tone casual, by saying something like this “hey, we got really wild online last time, so I just wanted to be honest and make it clear that while I might be interested in ‘going there’ with you down the road, right now I want to take things slow.”

When you finally meet in person keep things light and express genuine curiosity in learning about his interests, background and everyday life. Hey, you never know, he may have felt nervous about the sexy chat and may feel happy about talking things slow. After all isn’t that the whole point. Building a real life connection rather than a “cyber-sex buddy.”

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

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Relationships can be complicated. Identity wants to help relieve some of the stress by answering your questions. Lisa Velazquez has the answers you may need in order to figure out everything that your relationship or your sex life may throw your way.

Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION: Do you think it’s ok to fake an orgasm when I am having sex with my boyfriend? It’s just that some nights it just doesn’t happen for me. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings, because he loves me and loves to please me. What do you think I should do? Carolyn 24, NYC

Although you have good intentions, faking an orgasm will only lead to problems in the long run for your sex life and your relationship. The last thing you want to do is condition your boyfriend into NOT pleasing you. I recommend that you be honest with him and tell him what makes you feel good rather than misleading him. Tell him where to touch you, the positions that give you the most pleasure, etc.

If the issue is that just you are too stressed and tired then relax and let him please you by giving you oral sex or ask him to give you a massage. Sexual intercourse doesn’t have to be the only way he pleases you physically. Having the man you love touch you sensually with the intent to please you is erotic. Trust me, these moments of sincere honesty and owning your needs will strengthen the intimacy in your relationship.

QUESTION: I am dating a guy that has been complaining about wearing condoms. He said that he doesn’t feel anything when he wears one. What can I do to make wearing condoms feel better for him? – Jasmine 25, NYC

Men often complain that condoms decrease sensitivity for them (some men swear that they cannot feel anything at all!) However ladies, don’t ever let this discourage you from making a man wear one. One tip on how you can enhance feeling is to put a drop of water based lubricant inside the condom before he puts the condom on (or you can put the condom on him to spice things up a bit).

Also, experiment with different types of condoms and be sure to make this a fun activity. I would recommend that you try ultra-thin and extra sensitive latex condoms (instead of the white opaque latex condoms), as they have been known to feel better to men and are still as strong as any other condom. Also, try different shapes and sizes, contoured for a better fit. Also, if you or your partner is allergic to latex you can try polyurethane condoms, which are made for those who suffer from latex allergies. Have fun and never compromise your sexual health for anyone.

QUESTION: I heard that it’s good for my sexual health to pee after I have sex. Whenever I finish having sex I do have the urge to pee. But I always hold it because I don’t want to ruin my post-sex cuddle or turn off my boyfriend by bringing up the fact that I need to pee. What should I do? – Jennifer 30, NYC

Great question! Hey Jennifer, do you know what can really ruin a post-sex cuddle? Holding in your pee!

Seriously, imagine how relaxed you will feel after you urinate. Don’t worry about your boyfriend becoming turned off by telling him that you have to pee. After all, you just exchanged bodily fluids with him. Here’s my sexy tip for you: just kiss him passionately and afterwards in your most sexy voice tell him that you’ll be right back. Then smile seductively and walk away sensually.

Remember ladies, when you urinate after sex this will clear your urethra of any bacteria that may have entered it from contact with your sexual partner. Any bacteria that gets into the urethra during sexual intercourse is a major cause of urinary tract infections, so you can surely reduce your risk by making a quick trip to the ladies room after sex.

QUESTION: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend in the summer and I am really excited about experiencing sex in the Jacuzzi in our suite. We are going to be using condoms. Is it safe to wear a condom in water? – Devin 33, NJ

I do not recommend that you use condoms in the Jacuzzi. Jacuzzis and even pools contain chemicals such as chlorine that would damage condoms. In fact, chemicals such as shampoos, bath oils and even oil-based lubricants (use water-based lubricants only) would have the same adverse effects. Be cautious if you decide to have sex in the shower by cleaning up and removing these items before you have sex to assure that they do not come into contact with the condom.

Also, there is the high risk of the condom coming off once it is submerged in water. I know this may all seem like a downer, but it’s really not worth the risk. You have decided to use condoms for a reason and you should honor that choice. I am sure that there are plenty of exciting (dry) places to have sex in your suite. Stick to having sex “up against the hot tub” instead of in it.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names.

Question:

Last week I was hanging out with some girlfriends and talking about our “sexcapades” with guys. They all seemed to have a funny or exciting story when they were drinking. Do you think alcohol intensified their sexual experiences? – Jennifer, 34

Answer: I think the alcohol lowered their (performance) anxiety, which made them think the sex was more intense. Some women (even men) will have a few drinks before sex in order to lower their inhibitions. It’s a quick way for some people get rid of the pre-sex jitters. However, if you consume more than half a cup of alcohol (4 ounces), it can act as depressant. In other words, this can make you or your partner drowsy or another part of him drowsy (HINT: his penis). Although, the impotence would be only temporary, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what either of you had in mind.

Consuming an amount of alcohol beyond your tolerance level can surely diminish your decision-making abilities. For example, it can impair your judgment to stop and slow down when asked to participate in a sexual act that you would not engage in under normal (sober) circumstances. Alcohol can also stop you from thinking about if you even want to engage in sexual activity at all as well as applying the proper methods for condom use and/or remembering to take birth control. Basically, do your best to have sex sober or give yourself a one or two drink limit.

Question:

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. Lately, I have wanted to do something different to spice things up, maybe even new positions. I am kind of nervous about telling him. What do you think is a good way to bring this up to him? What could I say? – Sonia, 32

Answer: Good for you! I love when a woman takes the initiative in her sex life! New sex positions or activities in your sex life can create a new level of intensity. But remember most men might interpret any new suggestions as a red flag signaling that you're unsatisfied with their sexual performance. To smooth things over, rather than making a suggestion take this as an opportunity to create a sexual invitation. Flattery will get you everywhere with a man when discussing all things sexual. However, don’t lie because that will probably give you a lot of what you did not want (sexually) in the first place.

To put him at ease, present your idea as a compliment first. Say, "Baby, I love having sex with you…I love it when you…(then say whatever you love that he does)”. “I love that I can tell you all my desires”. “I’ve been thinking about you all day and all the things I want us to do tonight”. “I would love you for you to do … (Then tell him your ideas)”. “Would you like to do this to me Honey? (Or whatever name you call him)" Let him respond and then just take it from there, girl. I’m sure he will love all the pleasure and positive reinforcement.

Question:

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up for 3 months. We just got back together, but I found out that my boyfriend has been hanging out with female "friends" he has had sex with, including one he hooked up with during our break-up. Is it appropriate for him to do this? – Michele, 26

Answer: Let’s be clear. A person that you have sex with is not your friend (even if they were before you had sex with them). And just because you are no longer having sex with this person doesn’t change that fact. You just refer to them as a friend, because you have chosen to be civil towards one another afterwards (because you don’t hate each other or maybe you run in the same circles of friends). But there will always be the memory of the experience that will linger for one or both people involved (especially if they are spending time together).

If you want to stay in this relationship, you have to make sure that you tell your boyfriend very clearly that you want him to stop spending time with these women in order to respect you as well as honor his commitment to the relationship. If he honors your request, then he is making a genuine effort to rebuild your relationship. Although, the fact that he is surrounding himself with “former” lovers makes me question his true intentions for getting back together with you. A man that wants to be with one woman doesn’t surround himself with women from his sexual past.

If he says he still wants to hang with these women, then this is not the right guy for you. Unless you are looking for a casual relationship from him, I don’t see how this can work out for you otherwise. It’s like the book says, "It’s Called A Break-Up, Because It’s Broken”. After all, he did have sex with another woman while you were broken up and he has chosen to keep her around as well as other “former” sex partners as if they are his boys!

Do I think this is appropriate? Hell No! This is unacceptable! If you want a real committed relationship, then you have to break up with this guy, be single for a few months and regroup to raise your standards. Please love yourself first and hold out for a relationship that is full of mutual respect, trust, emotional support and fidelity.

Question:

I am single and have been casually dating for over a year now. I finally found someone that I feel truly compatible with. We’ve been dating for 2 months and we haven’t had sex yet, but I really want to. The only problem is that he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend. It started with us running into each other while among coworkers at different social events. Then he asked me out for coffee, then brunch, then finally dinner. I know it may sound crazy, but my ex and I have been broken up for over 13 years. We were high school sweethearts and the break-up was mutual. We just grew up started to become different people.  Hell, we don’t even live in the same state anymore and we never kept in touch. I don't feel awkward about it, because his best friend was never around me when I was with my ex. But should I? What should I do?  I feel like we really have something. I haven’t been this happy in years! – Rachel, 30

Answer: You don’t need to worry or feel awkward. You were a kid when the two of you were together and you made a clean break (a lot of women can learn a thing or two from your break-up). However, I recommend that you take things slow. He is violating the "bro" code (this is his issue not yours), but you need to know why. He’s been dating you for 2 months, so there’s a chance he doesn’t care what his best friend thinks.

I am sure that you don’t want him to think you’re the girl from his hometown that he can just “hook up with." The next time you go out with him say this, “You know HIS NAME, I enjoy spending time with you and it has been cool getting to know you better. I’ve met guys that were just looking for fun and I respect that, but I’m looking for someone that wants to be in a committed relationship with me." Then just be quiet and sip your drink or eat your food. Just wait for him to respond. If he says that he hopes that you find the guy or he’s really focused on work right now, then you definitely know he’s not taking you seriously. He may just be holding out for some sex. But if says that he enjoys spending time with you and is looking for the same thing (specifically with you), then great. However, be sure to watch his actions to see if they back up his words. He has to prove that he wants a committed relationship with you not with someone else. Life is short, so I say go for it!

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Question:

I met a guy about 2 months ago at my best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party. He seemed pretty cool (not to mention he’s cute and has a great body). We had a good conversation and he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now we’ve been texting each other ever since. He sent me a text message inviting me to meet for drinks. I decided to go and I had such a good time talking to him that one thing just let to another and we had sex. But now this seems to be the routine where he’ll text me, we meet up for drinks and then we end up having sex. It’s either his apartment or mine (whichever is closer). I love spending time with him and the sex is great. I just want to know, why haven’t we gone on a real date? And what can I do to make that happen? – Tanya, 34

Answer:



I know this is hard to hear, but you’re a “booty text” to him. When you meet him for drinks, that’s just the way he sets up the mood to seduce you. Ladies, when we do this to ourselves, all I can say is, don’t hate the “player”; hate the game, because that’s what he’s running on you, game. He sees no reason to step up his game to impress you, since you gave up a huge chunk of your mystery the first time you both met up for drinks. You already gave him the green light to continue this behavior and require nothing from him to earn your time, or the benefits that come with it. Trust me, I understand that you really like him, but that is the sole reason you need to slow your roll with this guy.


Basically, those are the reasons that you have not gone on a real date with this guy. You need to understand if you were interested in really dating this guy or any other guy for that matter, only communicating via text and consistently accepting invites only to meet for drinks is not the way to go. Since his needs are being met, he’s just not going to change or complain. Hey, I wouldn’t, Would you?


To answer your second question, you need to ask a good friend or a trusted colleague to set you up on date or go out meet someone else. You really need to remember that there are other fish in the sea and break this routine, because something tells me this is a pattern for you with men. 
Also, when he you sends you a text to meet up, don’t respond right away. When you do, text him “thanks, but I have a date tonight”. And make sure that you do! Don’t sit at home wishing you could be with him. You should be out with some friends or on a real date (with someone else). If he texts you the rest of the evening and asks you to meet him later that night (and I bet he will), ignore all the messages. You need to teach him that a man who takes you on a real date gets your full attention (while you maintain the mystery). He’s already had too much of your time. Raise your standards, before he turns YOU down for a “booty text” for a woman he asked on a real date.





Question:

After 5 years of casual dating, I have finally met a guy that I feel is right for me. I’ve been dating him exclusively for over 2 ½ months (which is a HUGE change for me). He’s a great guy and it’s been really cool getting to know each other. We’re both really attracted to each other and FINALLY had sex last week (Hey, I even bought condoms all on my own that night!) He seemed intrigued… Yesterday, we met for lunch where he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. But I started to think about my single past and all the casual sex I had. It wasn’t anything really crazy, but it wasn’t anything crazy. I was just single for such a long time! I wonder how he would feel about it. I don’t want to lose him by lying. I want to be honest with him. What should do? Do you think I should tell him about my past? Or should I keep those things to myself? – Joanne, 29

Answer:



First and foremost, I think everything about how you approached this new relationship is fantastic! It has a great flow that seems to have worked quite well for the both of you. In fact, you bought a box of condoms the first time you had sex with him and a week later he asked you to be his girlfriend…HELLO! Why are you conjuring up ways to self-sabotage? The first thing you should do is tell yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. You need to understand that and from what I have read about this guy, he knows who you are and he is into it all. This is why he chose to be in a committed relationship with you. 


Sometimes our past can be a rite of passage to discover who we are and what we want in love. Hey, your path led you to a great guy. I don’t recommend that you fill him in about the details of your casual sex life (unless you had sex with his best friend or a relative, then you should tell him). It’s not like you were pretending to be a virgin! You can tell him about your last committed relationship, but those sexual experiences are best kept private. Men don’t want to hear stories of their girlfriend having sex with another man (that’s not a picture they want in their heads).
Overall, you do not have to lie to him or be someone you’re not. However, you are entitled to your privacy and he should respect this about you. You should respect yourself enough to know that you deserve it. Remember, you are still getting to know each other.


What I would recommend to you is what I tell all sexually active women (single or in a relationship), please keep using latex condoms. Also, tell your new boyfriend that you want to get tested together for STD/HIV/AIDS (now and 3 months after) just to know each other’s status. It’s a great way to show respect for each other. The most important thing for the both of you is to be safe. After all he’s got a past too…








Question:

I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 weeks. He’s a very successful lawyer and works long hours. He’s not the best looking guy, but he’s really nice to me. We’ve been having sex since the 3rd date and it has been really awkward. I don’t know, it’s just not working for me. But I gave it another try on our last date, because I thought it might get better. This time I was nervous, because I just wanted to get it over with and I didn’t want him to notice. We’ve already gone on 7 dates and I am going out with him next weekend. He’s been flirting with me sexually and I am so not into it. How can I tell him the sex is bad? What should I say? –Beth, 25

Answer:

Let’s put the bad sex aside for a second. I am going to rip off the band-aid with this scenario. Why are you dating this guy? You don’t seem to be attracted to him! In fact, I am pretty sure that is why the sex is so awkward. I’m sure if you were attracted to him that you would have already taken some initiative during the sex. The first thing that you mentioned was his successful career as a lawyer, then you put down his looks, yet he has spent just about 2 days per week of his free time with you! And now you have plans to see him again? Why are you torturing yourself?


What scares me about this scenario right now is that I think you would marry this guy (if given the opportunity) just because he’s a lawyer! And you know you would be miserable, emotionally and sexually. This poor guy is genuinely interested in you and you’re only with him for his career status! You need to do some soul searching to figure out why you’re so infatuated with his career instead of the person on the inside.
 I highly recommend that you cancel your date this weekend and ask him to meet you for coffee. When you meet with him in your most compassionate voice say this:


“I think you’re great guy and I’ve had a wonderful time getting to know you. But I need to be honest with you. I really don’t feel a connection between us. I think that it would be best if we stop seeing each other. I am really sorry. But I know you deserve a woman in your life that feels the same way you do about her and I don’t want to get in the way of you meeting her”.


Then let him speak and when he’s done tell him that you have to go, give him a kiss on the cheek, then leave. Ladies, this is the truth. Just like I would advise a woman to leave a man that is wasting her time, I believe a woman should show a man the same respect and stop taking the space reserved for his dream girl. 


Question:

Do most, some, or very few women orgasm without direct stimulation (self stim, male's pubic bone) of the clitoris during love making? – Gail, 35

Answer:


Thank you so much for this question, Gail! I am happy to dispel a horrible myth regarding the female orgasm, which is, if a woman is unable to achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse she is not sexually mature or something is terribly wrong with her, because she cannot achieve an orgasm from “the mighty penis” alone (sarcastically speaking).


To answer you question, according to a national study conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine published in October, 2010, “Women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sexual acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included”. Furthermore, according to research conducted by Dr. Gail Saltz, “only 20 percent of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone, most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation”.


Basically, it is a proven fact, time and time, that women need variety within their sexual activity to achieve an orgasm. Remember, the best way to approach this is to educate your sexual partner on what helps stimulate your sexual arousal. Just have fun on the path to your orgasm together!





HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it's received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Question: Can the shape of a man’s penis present problems physically (such as pain and discomfort) for a woman? – Maria, FL

Answer: Great question! A woman’s vagina is approximately 2-4 inches deep (not aroused) and 5-7 inches deep (aroused) give or take an inch. If a man’s penis is very long this can create discomfort if a woman’s vagina is shallow. Also, she may find that she gets poked in the cervix if she bends her legs up towards her shoulders (or rests her legs on his shoulders) during intercourse.

If thrusting continues it can lead to more pain and penis entry beyond the cervix. If this happens to you, trust your body and speak up. Tell your partner that you need to change to a more comfortable and pleasurable position for both of you (not just him!). Please don’t let smooth talking (pseudo-comforting) convince you to endure discomfort. After all it’s sex, not childbirth!

Question: If there’s not going to be a “pink pill” drug available (a women’s Viagra, if you will), something just for women with low libido and lack of interest. What’s out there that is natural, but could address the same issue of increasing desire for a woman over 40? It's something that my own doctor can't answer, so I'd be interested in what your experts would say. – Trish, 55 NYC.

Answer: If you are experiencing low libido and lack of interest, I would recommend having a check up in order to rule out a medical condition or medications contributing to your sexual issues. For example, a symptom of hypothyroidism is low sex drive. In addition, this can be related to stressful and unhealthy lifestyle. Do your best to distress, rid your life of toxic relationships, seek balance and eat healthy and exercise regularly. This can give you energy and can help you release endorphins.

To answer your question, there are plenty of arousal oils that you can buy over the counter that may address part of your issue part of the issue. Please check with your doctor prior to use if you are on any medications or in case of any allergies to the ingredients.

If there is no medical condition or lifestyle issue contributing to your sexual issue, then I would highly suggest masturbation. Take some time out to ignite your desires by creating sexual fantasies in your mind and get to know your sexual self again. Remember, the biggest sex organ is the brain and this is where we plant our “desire seeds”. Women are not one-trick ponies! We are more aware of this as we mature within our sexuality. We are not sexually wired the same as men! We require much effort to become aroused and feel desire, so take your time, Ladies.

Question: Are there any foods that women can eat to make "down there" taste better? – Caroline, 20, WI.

Answer: First and foremost, it is essential to understand that the vagina is a self cleaning machine. In saying that, I would avoid allowing anyone to perform oral sex on you during menstruation as well as plus 3-5 days after to allow it to do a clean up. To answer your question, the foods that are healthy for your vagina are in fact great for your overall health. I would recommend eating foods that contain acidophilus (also as a supplement) and beta carotene, such as yogurt, carrots (limited the amount) sweet potatoes apricots, broccoli, spinach, etc. These foods help prevent yeast infections.

If you actually noticed a bad taste in your vaginal fluids it can be for any number of reasons. For example, if you are taking medications (i.e. antibiotics, birth control pills, etc.), this may upset the natural pH balance of your vagina and lead to a yeast infection (overgrowth) causing odor and white lumpy vaginal discharge. Also, this may be a symptom of a sexually transmitted infection. In this case, please make an appointment with a gynecologist or nurse practitioner.

Question: Is sperm good for you? Are there vitamins and nutrients if ingested? How about if it used as a topical skin treatment? – Dianne, AZ

Answer: Sperm is actually only 1% of semen. There are in fact vitamins and nutrients in semen, such as ascorbic acid (Vitamin C), calcium, magnesium, potassium, B12 and zinc, etc. The remainder is water, mucous, sugar, acids and bases including deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA). However, according to a 2009 study by the Centers for Disease Control,  HIV, genital warts (HPV), gonorrhea, herpes, intestinal parasites (amebiasis) and hepatitis A can be transmitted through oral sex (fellatio: mouth to penis).

Basically, if you are unaware of your partner’s sexual health status you will be putting yourself at risk to contract a sexually transmitted disease from ingesting his semen. Are you willing to put yourself at risk for a FREE multivitamin and FREE skin care? Are we this cheap, Ladies? However, it does not seem FREE, considering all the hard work you’d have to do for this freebie (pun intended). I recommend that you and your partner get tested for STD’s twice in 6 months before engaging in unprotected oral sex. Just stick to fruits, vegetables and water for your vitamins, nutrients and natural skin care.
 

Do you have any questions?  E-mail them here and we'll answer them as soon as we can.  Note: We do not use last names! E-mail: Contactus@identitymagazine.net

Question: Last month, I ran into an old flame from about 5 years ago. He was someone I had lots of fun with and the sex was great! But it was casual for about 3 years. In fact, I ended things between us because it was going nowhere. Now, I am looking to get into a serious relationship. Maybe he’s looking for something serious too! Do you think that it’s a good idea to date an old casual flame if I am looking for something serious? -Marisol, 33

Answer: Although things were casual between the two of you, you were with him for 3 years. It sounds to me like you had plenty of time to get to know this guy and you did. I recommend that you stay open to meeting other men to find the relationship you desire. To answer your question, no, I do not think this is a good idea if you want a serious relationship. Why dedicate any of your time and energy to the opposite of what you claim you want?

If you choose to date this guy, you must start completely fresh, as if he is someone new in your life. Be sure to make it clear (by the way you behave) that you’re not looking for another casual relationship. Remember, men hear what they see. A man that wants something casual is always looking for a loop hole into your panties. You need to maintain your boundaries to avoid reverting back to the old casual ways. If a man is looking for a serious commitment, you’ll know by the way he treats you.

Question: I just got into a new relationship this month with a great guy. He’s respectful, supportive, romantic and more! I am so happy whenever we’re together. But I have this urge to wish my ex-boyfriend a happy birthday this week. We broke up 6 years ago, but we’re still friends (sort of).  Do you think I should wish him a Happy Birthday just as a text? – Jessica, 27

Answer: I know all habits die hard, especially when long-term commitments are involved. But secretly connecting with your ex-boyfriend even via text can cause problems for your new relationship down the line. You need to ask yourself, is it worth creating problems for a great relationship over something that ended 5 years ago with a guy who is “sort of” your friend? Seriously, do you have to wish him a Happy Birthday? To answer your question, I don’t think you should send it. I’m sure he will live to see another day without a b-day text from you. I think you need to cut the wire on this guy, because one text will lead to another. If you don’t, then you’re just sending the message that you “may” just be available.

Question: My husband and I are both very sexual people. In fact we usually have sex every night. I take a shower, put on my sexy lingerie and I am ready! And I initiate it too! However, this month he doesn’t seem as interested as usual. He’s a trustworthy man and I know he loves me.  I don’t understand why he’s not interested in sex with these days. I just don’t get it?! I’m sexually open! What can I do to get him to pay attention to me again? – Diane, 35

Answer: What seems to be the issue here is that your sex life is too predictable. It comes across as just part of your night time routine. And no one wants to feel like having sex with them is a chore. To answer your question, take a couple of days off from having sex. Just get busy, doing something else. Find a hobby that you’re passionate about and tell him all about it! (This will be healthy for your self-worth and your marriage).

Afterwards, tell him that you’re going to take a shower and then just go to bed early without sex. The key is to get him interested in you without initiating sex. It’s great that you love to initiate, but you need to switch it up. You have to let him be the initiator for a change for his desire to build again. Trust me, when your attention and passion are on something else, he’ll want to be back on top of you or he’ll want you back on top of him!

Question: The last couple of weekends that I went out with my friends I had a great time. When I got home I ended up drunk-dialing my ex-boyfriend twice. We talked for about 30 minutes each time. We’ve been broken up for over 2 years and I’ve been single ever since.  I know I am so over him, so why do I keep doing this? – Vanessa, 29

Answer: If you really are over him, then you need to stop drunk-dialing him. I would recommend deleting his number from your phone.  However, if you can dial his phone number from memory when you’re drunk, well then you need to give this some serious thought. To answer your question, you might just miss having someone to come home to after partying with your friends and/or being in a relationship. You just seem to be settling for late-night calls to fulfill this need instead, because it’s familiar and easier than dating. You may want to try coming home sober from hanging with your friends and see how you’re feeling afterwards.

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