Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I have a friend who emotionally drains me by constantly e-mailing that I have offended her or made her feel  bad.  Now I have to walk on eggshells.  Should I say something or just let it be?

Answer:

If you consider walking on eggshells a sport and the challenge is enticing, you shouldn’t say something.  If you take no action and behave as if everything is fine, your friend will not respect your boundaries.  Some people do tolerate disrespect (and she is disrespecting you whether she knows it or not) but it can generate resentment in you.  Even when a friend is aware that his/her behaviors distress others, he may not be motivated to change for some personal reason that may or may not involve you. Ask.

Question: I’m a young woman with confidence about many things.  My flaws though eat me alive.   The current conflict is:  I am considering  having plastic surgery and my boyfriend disagrees.  If everybody disagrees with the surgery, and I’m the only one who wants it, should I go through with it?

Answer:

You need to do more research including asking for more input from the people who matter to you.  “I disagree” is not a complete answer.  Once you learn the reasons others disagree you will be able to make a more educated decision.

Question: I need to speak up to my boss who “barks” at me constantly.  She does it in front of others as well.  It’s rude and disrespectful.  How should I approach this?

Answer:

Unlike your boss, do not speak up in front of others, at least not initially.  Ask for a private moment and say you wonder if you are doing something that is offensive.  You may well get:  “No, why do you ask?”  Then you can give an example and share that the reaction seems exasperated or annoyed.  If that is denied, simply thank the boss for his/her time and wait for a change.  Since your boss is testing whether you will tolerate disrespect, you will have discreetly announced you are not.  If there is no change you may, the next time it happens in front of others,  respectfully say:   “There is an example.”

Question: I am so sick and tired of office BS.  I don’t understand why people throw one another under the bus all the time.  How do I talk to those who I know have ratted me out?

Answer:

Office dynamics can be tricky business.  Rather than speaking to individuals about what you think they have said about you, switch to a positive approach and suggest  the topic of team work and team perspective for an office meeting.  If there are specific incidents involving you and you are positive of the facts, you could casually mention your concerns to the individual.  Something like:  “I’m concerned about what I suppose is a mis-perception…”   Give the person a way to save face while saying you won’t participate in the office BS.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CATHY? Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Crystal Gaynor, Making Fitness Crystal Clear

Dear Crystal, 

Are there any new and fun abdominal exercises that I can do at home? - Patricia  J. /Montclair, NJ

Dear Patricia,

If you want to spice up your at home ab-workouts, check out my new favorite workout from www.FitnessAnywhere.com, the TRX Suspension Trainer.  It’s a system that uses “gravity and movement to generate neuromuscular responses.”  If you have a door in you home, and I’m sure that you do, this training system will give you a variety of ways to challenge your core.   The trainer itself is made of  “industrial grade nylon webbing “ and can be attached to any door. Log on to their site and check them out.  I’m sure that you will become a fan as well.  

Dear Crystal, 

Is it safe to workout with ankle weights?   I heard that it could be damaging to your knees.  Is this true? -Michelle K. /Westfield, NJ

Dear Michelle,

You heard right.  Working out with ankle weights can be damaging depending on how the weights are used and the amount of weight that is used.  Ankle weights can be very effective when used in certain exercises since they offer added resistance and are affordable for any home gym.  Keep the weights at a controllable amount.  Two to five pounds is a good start depending on your fitness level.  Don’t swing the weights with force and always use control and caution.  Running with ankle weights is a no-no, and if you use them for walking try hand weights instead to add a little resistance to your workout.  Your knees should last a lifetime – help them out by treating them well.

Dear Crystal, 

Is it good to eat directly after a workout or is it better to wait awhile? -Kat K. / Hershey, PA 

Dear Kat,

A little before and a little after, goes a long way.  Eat at least 30 minutes before your workout to fuel the body with needed energy.  A piece of fruit or almonds are a great way to gear up.  After your workout, you’ll want to refuel with a protein for muscle repair.  Within 30 minutes of finishing your workout, have a shake, a boiled egg, yogurt or even beans.  And be sure to throw in a few veggies for good measure.  All are great ways to refuel after a hard workout.   Oh yeah, don’t forget to drink plenty of water!

Dear Crystal, 

I am so sick of my boob fat!  I’m not fat, but the boob flesh around my back is annoying.  How can I tighten that up? -Joanne T. /Trenton, SC 

Dear Joanne,

The ever annoying bra fat is every woman’s and believe it or not, even some men’s, worst nightmare.  First and foremost take a serious look at your diet.  Little things like that extra glass of wine, or that extra slice of cake may be adding insult to injury.  Secondly, make sure your workout includes exercises for the Latissimus Dorsi, muscles of the back.   Try a Bent-Over Row.  Place the left hand and knee on the bench. The right foot is on the floor and the right hand is holding the weight.  Extend the arm fully then pull the weight up toward the chest as the elbow reaches up toward the celling.  Use a weight that challenges you for 8-15 reps. Switch to the other side.  Poof, bra fat be gone!

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CRYSTAL?

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Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  Do you think it’s strange that a guy I just met, lives an hour plus away and is now looking at places to live in my area? I didn’t ask him and we’ve been on two dates. Should I be worried he may be clingy? – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Before you become worried, ask him why he’s decided to move to your area. If you don’t ask, he won’t tell. It could be for work or for a better commute and everyday lifestyle. He may have been planning the move before he even met you. Unless he’s moving to your block and has indicated that it is to be closer to you, than I don’t see any worries. If you’re worried that he may be clingy, just be sure to limit the time you spend with him for now. However, when you are with him genuinely get to know him. Take things slow and maintain your own life (always).

QUESTION: How do you tell your boyfriend that you want to be intimate more often? I don’t want to put him down, but I want it more, and he doesn’t put the moves on enough! – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Great question! The best way to avoid intimidating a man about sex is to entertain him with sex.

Stop being a lady waiting to get laid and just put the moves on your man. Entice him by telling him how much you want him while touching him (instead of complaining about lack of sex). As I mentioned, he’ll be too turned on (entertained) to be intimidated.

QUESTION: When is too soon to move in with the guy you are dating? – Kelly 29, NJ

ANSWER:

First and foremost, I do not advise you to move in with a guy that you are “dating.” “Dating” is the period of time you should take to get to know the guy you’re interested in. You need to do this from separate homes and on dates with him. Before you consider such a serious commitment to change your lifestyle, the man you plan on moving in with should be in a mutually committed relationship (with you) or be your fiancée.

In other words, too soon is when there is no serious mutual commitment between you and the guy you are dating, coupled with a lack of sufficient time to get to know each other (and meet each other’s families). I recommend that you spend at least a year and a half doing this in order to be sure. After all, when you decide to move in with a man, you are taking your fabulous self off the market, so it is best to be sure that he doesn’t want to just “play house” instead of creating a real future together.

QUESTION: Do you have some key signs on how to know if your man is cheating on you? – Yvette 32, NY

ANSWER:

Good question. If you haven’t established trust in your relationship you will always be suspicious of your partner. Some signs of cheating are when your partner starts to change his routine while becoming secretive about his whereabouts, who he is spending time with and his phone calls. Also, if he has a lack of interest in your life and spending time with you. These signs can be a hint that he is hiding another lifestyle or relationship(s) from you.

Overall, it is important to understand that before jumping to any conclusions, be sure to have a heart to heart talk with your partner about the current state of your relationship. Ask him why he has been so distant and secretive. Rememeber to ask him if he is dating or having sex with another person. I know that the truth can hurt for a moment, but it can save you a lifetime of pain.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

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Ellen Goldman EnerG Coaching

Question: It’s the holiday season and I do not know how to manage my eating habits. I cook the junk for the holidays and I eat it, too. How do I say no? I know mental strength is weak during the holidays.  Any suggestions?

Answer:  First and foremost, begin to change your inner talk.  Telling yourself, “I do not know how to manage my eating habits. I know mental strength is weak during the holidays,” already sets you up for failure.  You expect to have trouble, therefore you do.  If you do a good job of managing your eating habits at other times of the year, there’s no reason why you can’t use that strength during the holiday season.  Remind yourself, “I do a great job of managing my foods the rest of the year, so despite the increase in treats accessible during this season, I have the determination to continue eating healthy.”  By empowering your thoughts, you’ll empower your actions.

Secondly, follow the same smart guidelines you do everyday.  Don’t skip meals. Eat often and eat light. Choose a combination of healthy grains, veggies, fruits and lean protein. Keep up your exercise routine, even if you need to cut back on the duration of your sessions if pressed for time.  Don’t show up at parties hungry.  As far as cooking “junk” for the holidays, why not try lightening up some of your traditional recipes, or try out some new healthier ones.  I am sure your guests will appreciate new choices at the buffet table.  If you do cook or bake some indulgent treats, either do so in advance if they can be frozen, or prepare them right before your events so you won’t be staring at the goodies for days on end.  Begin to visualize how great you will feel when the season is over when you are still feeling healthy and on track with your wellness goals.  The more you imagine and picture yourself doing great at this time of year, the more that reality will come true.  Happy holidays!

Question: I am currently single again after a few years, now I do not know what to do with my time. I feel like I have so much free time.  

Answer:  Transitioning from being a couple to being a single can often be quite difficult.  Even if you are OK with the breakup, you may be feeling lost as to who you are without a partner by your side.  However, despite the fact that change is often scary and hard, it also offers opportunities that can be exciting and growth producing.  Begin to ask yourself some questions, such as, “What did I like to do as a child that I’ve forgotten about now that grown up responsibilities have come into my life?”  Did you draw, do jigsaw puzzles, or ice skate?  “What activities do I look forward to when on vacation, that I never seem to do at home?”  Try visiting a museum. Pretend you are a tourist and visits the sights in your town, or take a walking tour. “What have I always said I would like to do if I had the time?”  Want to learn to play piano or paint?  Write the novel you’ve had in your mind for years?  Did you ever dream about cooking vegetarian recipes or baking bread?  How about taking a class in one of these activities.  You will learn a new skill and possibly make some new friends.

One more idea; nothing feels better than volunteering and giving of yourself to others.  You can visit nursing homes and brighten the lives of many lonely individuals.  Perhaps becoming a Big Sister to a child who doesn’t have a mom would feel rewarding and certainly fill some of your lonely hours.  If you love animals, the shelters are always looking for help.  Use your imagination, bravely try out some new things, and soon you’ll be doing things that make you happy, without worrying about anyone else.  You may even find that alone time is not so bad after all.  Then when you least expect it, someone new will enter your world.

Question:  What are some tips to improve my mental fitness that will help me get through the physical fitness?

Answer:  When you refer to “mental fitness” what you are really asking about is how to increase motivation.  Motivation is the energy, the jet fuel that drives us, to do things we may not want to in the moment because we value the outcome. Examine your reasons for participating in a fitness routine, until you find why you want to exercise, versus all the reasons why you should exercise. In order for motivation to be sustained, you have to feel not only that you are doing this because it is something you want (intrinsically motivated) but also that we are competent at what it is we are doing.  So, if you have reasons to exercise that are meaningful to you, not because your mother, boyfriend or doctor thinks you should, there is a better chance that you’ll stick to a fitness program.  And, if you find an activity that you are comfortable with and feel that you do well, that will help too.  If you feel awkward and uncomfortable in a spinning class, but love the feel of being on a bike outside, obviously you’ll be more motivated to take to the road.  So the formula for improving your mental fitness to get through your physical fitness is tune into what’s driving you (your big reason why) and find things that you are good at, and you enjoy doing.  Experiment with lots of possibilities until you find the mode of exercise that you can look forward to and compels you to get through your workouts.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR ELLEN?

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Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I’m extremely passive when it comes to my relationship with my mother.  She is always making decisions and planning things for me.  I have trouble saying no, so I end up doing things I don’t want to do.  For example, I take my niece and nephew on my vacation,  go to a party with her, run an errand for her.  I don’t live at home and I am a grown woman.  I need my time and can make my own decisions.  How can I approach this without hurting her feelings and stand my ground?

Answer:

Since a stumbling block for you is hurting someone’s feelings (your mother’s in this case, but most likely those of any close relationship), preface what you have to say with: “My intent is not to hurt your feelings and I’m worried this may, but I need to tell you…” You are not in charge of other peoples feelings – as long as you are respectful in what you say and present it with sensitivity, you’ve done all you can do.  Remember, hurt feelings are part of the emotional spectrum of life.  How can a person appreciate the good without ever knowing the bad?

Do you suppose your mother is not aware that she oversteps your personal boundaries?

Ask your mother when it will be a good time to talk; say that there are several concerns to discuss.  If you think she may react immaturely,  invite her out for dinner where she will be able to manage her reaction more appropriately.  Whether she has intended to or not, she is being manipulative.  Whether you have been accepting of it or not, you have allowed it.  Time to make your relationship with her healthier.

Question:

I have noticed lately that I am being negative.  When I have a conversation with friends and family and it comes to a topic involving opinions I point out the negative right away.  I also had a friend tell me that I am not joining the conversation, I’m pointing out the negative as if I’m “right.”  I’m being oppositional.  How can I change this behavior?

Answer:

Most often people who frequently use negativity, are sarcastic, caustic, or oppositional (all of which can be passive aggressive behavior) are harboring anger.  If this is a new behavior for you, explore what could be causing your anger and negativity.  That is the way to change your behavior.  If there is a cause you can point to, address the circumstances.

If there are not current situations to explain negativism, you may have reached a point in life that unresolved childhood experiences about which you are not consciously aware are surfacing.  In this case, explore it with a trusted friend or do some counseling on the subject.

Question:

What are some steps I could take to ease the pain and be able to move forward after the loss of a loved one?

Answer:

Oh, I wish there were a simple answer.  Grieving a death can be a challenging journey.  There are stages and phases, not all necessarily experienced and not necessarily in a particular order.  You will serve yourself best to take it slow – be very wary of trying to avoid the process.  Grieving is a part of being human – we learn and grow through it.

Here are some helpful basics:

•  Be kind to yourself – don’t push too hard to act as though “everything’s fine.”
•  Allow plenty of time to experience the anguish (that is, don’t bottle it up).  This can mean, put on an act in public, but as soon as circumstances permit return to the thoughts and feelings.
• Talk – to others who are grieving, to friends.  Join a bereavement group.
• Add up-beat activities to your daily schedule.
• Write or journal about your loved one; even write to the person.  Some people find it helpful to write the loved one’s response back.

Remember that time is healing and you will “return to yourself.”

Question:

I found out that my mother is having an affair.  Do I get involved?  If so, what do I even do?  I’m an adult and not living at home, but still feel like I should probably say something.

Answer:

Acknowledging to your mother that you are aware of her affair depends on the purpose to be served, the kind of relationship you currently have with her and the kind of relationship you want with her in the future.

Ask yourself these questions:   Would your mother be angry that her secret isn’t solid?  Would she be relieved she doesn’t have to “put on an act” with you?  Are you trying to influence her or simply be there for her?

Affairs are first and foremost about the participants’ marriages.  In the healthiest of circumstances an individual tempted by an affair first considers what needs are not being met by her/his spouse.  That is the beginning place to work if your mother were so inclined – in counseling it’s called relationship counseling – it’s not marriage counseling, not divorce counseling.

The fact that you care is a positive statement in itself – perhaps just saying that to your mom would help determine if anything else needs to be spoken.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CATHY? Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. But, we don’t have oral sex. He wants me to let him give me oral sex. I feel really insecure about letting him do it to me. Why can I do to stop feeling this way about it? 

ANSWER:

Great question! First, I would like for you to ask yourself, “what exactly do I feel insecure about?” Is it the idea of him being completely up close and personal with my vagina? Some women are taught that when they start menstruating that their vaginas have officially become dirty. Please understand that your vagina is a self-cleaning machine, which follows a cycle like clockwork. “Or am I uncomfortable with receiving all the sexual attention?” Most women are taught to value and give of ourselves completely in our romantic relationships, yet we are not taught the value of receiving in them (especially when it comes to receiving sole pleasure in intimacy).

If you are having great sex with your boyfriend, oral sex can be a fun way to take it up a notch by trying something new that may add to YOUR pleasure. I recommend with any new sexual activity to prepare for pleasure. If you do decide to let him give you oral sex, have it at a time and place when you are comfortable and ready rather than when you feel pressured or too shy. Be sure to wax/shave, bathe and lotion up with your favorite (or his) fruit fragrance prior to engaging in oral sex. Hey, it’s fun to be irresistibly delicious! Feel free to include a game like Oral Sex Game for Her. This can help “break the ice” by both of you learning what feels good and what doesn’t to help your lover what to focus on for your pleasure. Remember to relax, breathe deeply and think to yourself “ I am delicious and I deserve to feel pleasure.”

QUESTION: Is it safe if I have sex with a guy without him wearing a condom during my period?

My question to you is what do you want to prevent? An unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection? Well either way, you still can get pregnant during your period. However, the chances would be less than during ovulation. Also, there is a higher chance of contracting an STI from your male partner, because during a woman’s period, her cervix naturally expands due to the blood passing out of it.

If a guy ejaculates inside of you without wearing a condom, and has any type of sexually transmitted infection (such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, etc.) it can be passed to you from his semen, which means you are at higher risk of contracting the infection. If you have HIV or a sexually transmitted infection, it will be carried through your menstrual blood in a higher concentration than in your vaginal secretions. And since there will be more blood around, you will have a higher risk of giving it to your male partner.

If you want to be safe get tested for any STI and make sure your partner does the same. The bottom line is that you need to use condoms until you and your sexual partner both have proof of a clean bill of sexual health. No exceptions!

QUESTION: I want to introduce my vibrator to sex with my boyfriend. How should I do it?

Most men are totally open for introducing the use of sex toys in the bedroom and will thank their lucky stars that they’ve found a woman who is confident enough to share this side of her sex life with them. However, since some guys may worry that your vibrator is making up for their shortcomings (no pun intended), it would be wise to make it clear that this is a sexual desire that you want to share with him rather than his competition. Because if there is another penis in the room (even if it is fake) that is what he will be thinking.

To put him at ease as well as entice him, you could say, “I want to show you something that really turns me on, and I hope you will like it too.” When you take it out remember to show him how you use it on yourself first! (A live porn session for his eyes only), then ask him to operate the controls during sex, so that he can feel like he’s participating in giving you pleasure. After a man sees how your vibrator is just an accessory from the “sex toolbox” rather than his understudy, then he’ll probably be cool with it.

QUESTION: I’ve been talking to a guy on Facebook chat and things got pretty HOT! How can I slow things down when we start dating in person?

Ah good old “cyber-courage” (the cousin of “liquid courage”) got you into a little naughty trouble. Technology has made it is so easy for us to go overboard with what begins as an innocent casual wink here and a “muah xoxo” there, when we are all safely nestled in our homes behind a computer screen. Chances are that this type of heavy flirtation can get someone “hot and bothered” for your first date by saying too much too soon. You are obviously not ready to take this to a sexual level, so I highly recommend that you have a talk with this guy about this online beforehand.

This is where “cyber-courage” comes in handy. The online chat will clear the air of any tension (sexual or otherwise) for you both before meeting in person. During your chat be sure to keep your tone casual, by saying something like this “hey, we got really wild online last time, so I just wanted to be honest and make it clear that while I might be interested in ‘going there’ with you down the road, right now I want to take things slow.”

When you finally meet in person keep things light and express genuine curiosity in learning about his interests, background and everyday life. Hey, you never know, he may have felt nervous about the sexy chat and may feel happy about talking things slow. After all isn’t that the whole point. Building a real life connection rather than a “cyber-sex buddy.”

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

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Crystal Gaynor, Making Fitness Crystal Clear

QUESTION: Dear Crystal, What are some good outdoor exercises? – Laura J.  43, Newark, NJ

Dear Laura,

Any exercise that that will get you out of doors and moving, is a good exercise in my book.  However, since fall is approaching consider long walks in the park or even on the beach. The beaches are not crowed in the fall and the ocean views are breath taking.  There’s still time to take the bike out for a spin or play softball with the family.

QUESTTION: Dear Crystal, I’m tiny all around but I can’t seem to lose the weight around my waistline.  I’m concerned about my health, any suggestion? – Kylie H. 46, Dayton, OH

Dear Kylie,

Accumulation of weight around the waistline may be an indicator of a need to clean up your diet and exercise a little more.  Since there is no such thing as spot reduction, you must work to reduce your overall weight and the bulging middle will follow.  Try to engage in 30-60 minutes of continuous exercise most days of the week.  Add some ab work to your program.  And take a serious look at your diet.  Even though we eat well, we still may be able to make better food choices.  More vegetables, fruits and lean proteins are the way to go.  Consider Weight Watchers if you are in need of a more hands on approach, or pick up one of my favorite books, “The Eat Clean Diet,” by Tosca Reno.  Stick with your plan of action and a smaller tighter waistline will be in your near future. Remember there is no quick fix to a healthy lifestyle change.  Be patient and challenge yourself because that will also build an even stronger identity.

QUESTION: Dear Crystal, I have a 3 mile route to either walk or run.  Which is better, a slow walk or a moderate pace run? – Arlene T. 27, Hartford, CT

Dear Arlene,

A slow walk just takes too long and a moderate pace can sometimes be a little boring.  My suggestion for you is an interval walk –run.  Begin your routine with a five minute walking warm-up at a moderate pace, next jog at a light pace for two minutes. Next, pick the speed up for a full heart pounding one minute.  Now walk at a slower pace for two minutes to recover and start all over again with the lite jog.  One round should last five minutes.  Repeat this four times for a total of 20 minutes. Complete the workout with a cool down walk for five minutes.  It’s challenging, but fun and effective.

QUESTION: Dear Crystal, What are some exercises to stay away from, that may be harsh for the body or time wasters all around? – Dena K, 18, Madison, NJ

Dear Dena,

Your exercises should support your daily functions, weather you’re a high school athlete or a modern day domestic goddess. Any exercise that my cause trauma to the neck or spine should be avoided.  For example, lifting weights that are too heavy or lat pull-downs from behind the neck.  If you are new to training, make sure that you enlist the help of a Certified Personal Trainer or Fitness Professional.  Your exercise program should have a purpose and support your fitness goals, so you’re not wasting time.  And should do so, without causing injury.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CRYSTAL?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Ellen Goldman EnerG Coaching

Question: 

I am a pretty disciplined individual, but some days it seems I just can’t get motivated.  Whether it’s exercise, or working on a project, it doesn’t really matter.  I want to get it done, but can’t seem to get in to motion.  Any ideas?

Answer: 

We all have days when we are feeling unmotivated or lethargic.  Sometimes it’s our bodies way of telling us it needs a rest.  So if you don’t have a day in the week where you can kick back and do nothing, or just do what is fun for you, that might be the simple answer.  Build it in to your week, and you’ll come back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

However, if you already do a pretty good job of balancing relaxation time with work time, for the jump-start trick when it really needs to get done, try this.  Tell yourself that you will commit to “working” on the task (exercise/work/cleaning, etc.) for 20 minutes and then you have permission to stop.  Set a kitchen timer or your cell phone alarm.  Chances are once you get started, you’ll persist until it’s done, and just shut and ignore the buzzer.  But if it goes off, and you really can’t seem to get into whatever it is you are trying to accomplish, just reschedule it for another day and time.  When you are totally uninspired, you probably wouldn’t do a good job even if you forced yourself to persist.

Question: 

Last year, my youngest child started school full time, and I started my own business.  For the first time in years, my days are more sedentary than active, as I spend many hours at my home office desk.  I have begun to experience pain, tightness and tension in my neck and shoulders.  I’m working out as I always have, but can’t seem to get rid of the discomfort.  Could my new profession be harming my body?

Answer: 

This a very good chance that your job is wrecking havoc with your body, but that doesn’t mean you need to close up shop.  First, let’s take a look at your desk ergonomics; that’s a fancy way of looking at your efficiency in your working environment.  Are you sitting in a well-constructed task chair, or using an old folding one?  Using a laptop rather than a full screen computer?  Are you on the phone a lot, and if so, do you use a headset?  Investing in a great chair, a full screen monitor and a headset should be your very first business expense.

Keeping you feeling good is essential to the success of your business.  When you work, do you take a break every 60-90 minutes to get up, move your body and stretch a bit?  If not, start setting the timer on your smart phone or computer to go off and remind you to take a break.  Lastly, begin incorporating chest and low back stretches into your workout routine.  With a few adjustments to your work environment and exercise routine, you should be feeling much better very quickly.  And as your business begins to turn a profit, a monthly massage will do you a world of good to ease any aches and pains.  And what a great way to relax and reward your hard work.

Question: 

Why am I always so tired?  I exercise a few times a week, and usually go to bed at a decent hour, but I always feel so draggy and lethargic.  Any ideas on how to get more energy?

Answer: 

Low energy levels and constant fatigue are common complaints for many people.  Often simple lifestyle changes can make a huge difference.  First take a look at how well you are nourishing yourself during the day.  Never go more than three and a half to four hours without eating, and make sure all your meals and snacks have a combination of some lean protein, complex carbohydrate and a small amount of healthy fat.  Dehydration, especially in warm environments, often is masked as fatigue.  So drink water or non-caffeinated, low-sugar beverages all day.

When you exercise, work at an intensity level that is enough to give you health benefits, but don’t push way beyond your aerobic capacity.  Pushing yourself to the max will often do more harm then good and cause exhaustion rather than leaving you energized.  Although you go to sleep at a reasonable hour, do you wake up feeling refreshed?  Interrupted sleep, which can be caused by so many different things, could be keeping you from the restorative nature of a good night’s sleep no matter how many hours you spend in bed.

Lastly, an overabundance of stress, without a way to manage it, can lead to feelings of fatigue and depression, and certainly sap your energy.  After making some adjustments to your daily habits, if you are still feeling drained and exhausted, a doctor or other qualified health professional should be consulted to rule out illness, chronic disease or medication side effects.

Question: 

I’ve been working hard to take off a few extra pounds by changing my eating habits and increasing my exercise.  I do great all week, but come the weekend, no matter how careful I think I’ve been, on Monday mornings the scale is back up.  Happy hour on Friday, and dinners out on Saturday and Sunday which include cocktails and wine, are part of what I look forward to all week.  How can I get the excess weight off without giving up my weekend socializing?

Answer: 

Quite often I find that the big difference between the week and weekend is alcohol consumption.  Alcohol and weight loss do not have to be enemies, and an occasional drink can have a place in a healthy diet.  However, too much consumption can lead to packing on the pounds.  Alcohol contains 7 calories per gram, and offers no nutritional value, so it only adds empty calories to your diet.  Since many drinks are also made by mixing the alcohol with high calorie juices, syrups or sodas, cocktails could add up to the calories of a small meal.  Coupled with the fact that alcohol lowers our inhibitions and increases appetite, you might be a less diligent about how much you’re eating.

So how can you go out and stay in control?  Take a few minutes before going to remind yourself why it is important to you to lose the weight, and ask yourself, “How do I want to feel when I weigh myself on Monday?”  Make an educated decision before you go about what and how much you will drink.  Wine and light beer has the least amount of calories.  Mix alcohol with either club or diet soda.  Ask the bartender to remove the snacks or put them in front of someone else. Wait to order your drink when your food is served.  If you do have more than one drink, commit to drinking a glass of water or club soda in between.  This will slow the alcohol effects, keep you hydrated and alert.  Keep in mind that your socializing should be about the company you are with, not how much you drink.

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Catherine Bridwell

QUESTION: I am a full-time waitress in a restaurant.  I feel my boss constantly takes advantage of me by putting me on the work schedule without conferring.  I have regular set days to work but I’m added on other days including my day off and holidays.  The problem is I can’t say no, because I feel guilty I never get holidays off.  How do I approach my boss?

It is not uncommon to anticipate the feeling of guilt if you feel uncomfortable saying no.  Remember you are able to say it – it’s just a word.  Some people speak in a manner intended to trigger guilt – usually to accomplish something they know is not quite right.  This is a type of manipulation.  Experiencing guilt in those circumstances is a learned reaction to someone or situations in childhood.

Ex.:  A mom says to her ten year old:  “If you don’t fold that laundry, your poor, tired mother will have to.”  The child folds the clothes to avoid feeling guilty (not because he wants to be helpful, which he may).
As an adult you may experience guilt because you are being manipulated.  Your boss has tuned in to your passivity about avoiding guilt.

The workplace can be tricky.  And dealing with bosses even more so.  This person is in a position of authority over you, and your income may be on the line.  Try telling your boss that you want to be clear on the scheduling procedures;  that you realize you have operated in the past with no objections, but now you need to be part of the process.  You could thank your boss for scheduling the extra shifts, for the extra income, but remember a few one-liners for the day your boss tries to manipulate you again:

“I wish I could work that day, but I’ve planned something else.”

“I’m sorry to say, that holiday I’ll be………’

A book or a course in assertiveness training could be really helpful, too.

QUESTION: I feel agitated all the time and lately I’m annoyed just being asked a question.  It’s not that time of the month either.  I’m not sure how to pinpoint why I’m so annoyed by everybody lately.  It’s been going on for about three weeks.

You’re on the right track by asking yourself why you’re always annoyed lately.  You can only address what’s going on when you can say what it is.  Since no answers of explanation are easily forthcoming, it is something outside your conscious thinking.  Try free-associating:  start a sentence with the fact you know – “lately I’m always annoyed”, add the word “because” and finish the sentence.  It may take many tries to bring into conscious thought the answer(s).

Another approach is to ask a very close friend for his/her ideas about what could be keeping you on the edge.  Often, friends able to be more objective.

Annoyance is a kind of anger.  You may not be looking for an event but for an accumulation of situations that, taken together, are having an effect that if experienced one at a time would not be bothersome. Figuring it out, having a label for it, will relieve the intensity and put you in the position of deciding what, if anything, to do about it.

QUESTION: I broke up with my boyfriend after dating for over ten years.  We had an on-again-off-again relationship.  Do I need to cut all communications to really move on?  He texts me and I don’t want to get in the same routine of try it again, break up, etc.  I also don’t want to be rude by ignoring him.  Any advice?

A ten-year relationship is significant and deserves to be openly and honestly discussed before decisions about the future are made.  Since there is a well-defined pattern of on-and-off, that pattern could be the first subject to consider.

It sounds like you’re not completely sure what you want:  to be with this man or not.  Ask yourself what you need to be different and then be forthright in telling your boyfriend.  My guess is that you highly value the relationship (it’s been important to you for ten years) but not if the game playing pattern cannot be changed.

Talk to him.  If you both want to try again, spell out and agree to the behaviors that have to be addressed. This could be the beginning point for some concentrated work.  It might also be the concluding of the relationship.  It’s not rude to not respond when you have clearly stated your intensions (including that there will be no communication); it is simply being true to yourself and to your word.

QUESTION: I have a co-worker who doesn’t shut up.  Talks and talks and talks.  Everybody complains, but nobody says anything.  I am really horrible when it comes to approaching a situation like this. I’m just not good.  Any thoughts on how to handle this?

The Talker must put out some unspoken warning about being unapproachable, otherwise “everybody” would not have a problem setting appropriate boundaries.  If you are going to be the only one addressing this, you could try using work as the reason to not engage. Try something like,  “I’m sorry. Were you speaking to me? I wasn’t listening. I’m really trying to finish this up.”

If you and your co-workers are friends outside the workplace, you might discuss the problem as a group and try to create a probable solution.  If all attempts fall on deaf ears, you may need to involve you HR professional.

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Crystal Gaynor, Making Fitness Crystal Clear

QUESTION: Is it better to do your reps with weights fast, for cardio effect, or slow and in control? -Marci, Washington D.C.

It’s always a safe practice to lift weights with control.  The cardio effect with weights is not always determined by the speed, but rather by the rest period in between your sets.  A shorter rest period creates a more intense cardiovascular workout.  Generally speaking, heavier weights require a longer rest period for muscle recovery.  That rest period can range between 30 seconds to 3 minutes, depending on the amount of the load.  

You should pick a weight load that is challenging – one that allows you to lift 10-12 reps.  Around the eighth rep, the weight should feel challenging.  If you can complete 12-15 reps with no problem, it’s time to go a little heavier.

QUESTION: When lifting, I sometime get so tired, I feel like I may be sick.  Is it good to push that much? -Diane, Parsippany, NJ

If you are new to weight training, you may experience a little nausea when you overexert yourself. This usually subsides after a few weeks of training.  If not, you may be over-training.  Over-training can occur when you train everyday with great intensity and don’t allow time for muscle rest and repair.  

While you may want to get in shape fast, over-training is not the way.  You must allow time for adequate rest in between your workouts.  Try split training to give muscles groups a chance to recover.  And make sure your diet supports your training.  If you continue to experience these symptoms of fatigue and nausea, see your doctor as soon as possible.

QUESTION: I had knee surgery this year.  What are the best exercises to rebuild the strength and support I need for my knee? -Kelly, New York, NY

I would bet that 100% of the time, knee surgery is followed by several sessions with a state licensed Physical Therapist. During this time, the Physical Therapist will introduce exercises that improve the range of motion and strength of the knee. 

Exercises for the upper leg (quadriceps and hamstrings group) will also be included.  These exercises and guidelines should be continued even after the sessions are completed and you are cleared to exercise on your own.  

When training on your own, make sure you include exercises for the quadriceps (front of the thigh), as well as the hamstring group (back of the thigh).  Exercises for balance and flexibility should also be included.  This should keep your knee healthy for a long, long time.

QUESTION: As a mother, I would like to have an in-home exercise program that includes my children. Any suggestions? -Taylor, Wharton, NJ

Bravo to you for including your children in your workout plans.  There are so many new programs on the market that are created for parents and children to share. One of my favorites is the new Zumba program for the Sony WII systems.  Zumba is fun for children and adults alike.  

If dancing is not your thing, challenge your children to a sit-up and push-up contest. Toss in a few jumping jacks, running in place for 30 seconds and some stretching at the end and you’ve got a quick workout.  Children love to share experiences with their parents, so keep it simple, but most of all, make it fun.  

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