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Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:

I met a guy about two months ago at my best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party. He seemed pretty cool (not to mention he’s cute and has a great body). We had a good conversation and he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now we’ve been texting each other ever since. He sent me a text message inviting me to meet for drinks. I decided to go and I had such a good time talking to him that one thing just led to another and we had sex. But now this seems to be the routine where he’ll text me, we meet up for drinks and then we end up having sex. It’s either his apartment or mine (whichever is closer). I love spending time with him and the sex is great. I just want to know, why haven’t we gone on a real date? And what can I do to make that happen? – Tanya, 34

Answer:

I know this is hard to hear, but you’re a “booty text” to him. When you meet him for drinks, that’s just the way he sets up the mood to seduce you. Ladies, when we do this to ourselves, all I can say is, don’t hate the “player,” hate the game, because that’s what he’s running on you: game. He sees no reason to step up his game to impress you, since you gave up a huge chunk of your mystery the first time you both met up for drinks. You already gave him the green light to continue this behavior and require nothing from him to earn your time, or the benefits that come with it. Trust me, I understand that you really like him, but that is the sole reason you need to slow your roll with this guy.

Basically, those are the reasons that you have not gone on a real date with this guy. You need to understand if you were interested in really dating this guy or any other guy for that matter, only communicating via text and consistently accepting invites only to meet for drinks is not the way to go. Since his needs are being met, he’s just not going to change or complain. Hey, I wouldn’t, Would you?

To answer your second question, you need to ask a good friend or a trusted colleague to set you up on date or go out and meet someone else. You really need to remember that there are other fish in the sea and break this routine, because something tells me this is a pattern for you with men. 
Also, when he sends you a text to meet up, don’t respond right away. When you do, text him “thanks, but I have a date tonight.” And make sure that you do! Don’t sit at home wishing you could be with him. You should be out with some friends or on a real date (with someone else). If he texts you the rest of the evening and asks you to meet him later that night (and I bet he will), ignore all the messages. You need to teach him that a man who takes you on a real date gets your full attention (while you maintain the mystery). He’s already had too much of your time. Raise your standards, before he turns YOU down for a “booty text” for a woman he asked on a real date.

Question:

After five years of casual dating, I have finally met a guy that I feel is right for me. I’ve been dating him exclusively for over two-and-a-half months (which is a HUGE change for me). He’s a great guy and it’s been really cool getting to know each other. We’re both really attracted to each other and FINALLY had sex last week (Hey, I even bought condoms all on my own that night!) He seemed intrigued… Yesterday, we met for lunch where he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. But I started to think about my single past and all the casual sex I had. It wasn’t anything really crazy. I was just single for such a long time! I wonder how he would feel about it. I don’t want to lose him by lying. I want to be honest with him. What should do? Do you think I should tell him about my past? Or should I keep those things to myself? – Joanne, 29

Answer:

First and foremost, I think everything about how you approached this new relationship is fantastic! It has a great flow that seems to have worked quite well for the both of you. In fact, you bought a box of condoms the first time you had sex with him and a week later he asked you to be his girlfriend…HELLO! Why are you conjuring up ways to self-sabotage? The first thing you should do is tell yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. You need to understand that and from what I have read about this guy, he knows who you are and he is into it all. This is why he chose to be in a committed relationship with you.

Sometimes our past can be a right of passage to discover who we are and what we want in love. Hey, your path led you to a great guy. I don’t recommend that you fill him in about the details of your casual sex life (unless you had sex with his best friend or a relative, then you should tell him). It’s not like you were pretending to be a virgin! You can tell him about your last committed relationship, but those sexual experiences are best kept private. Men don’t want to hear stories of their girlfriend having sex with another man (that’s not a picture they want in their heads).
 Overall, you do not have to lie to him or be someone you’re not. However, you are entitled to your privacy and he should respect this about you. You should respect yourself enough to know that you deserve it. Remember, you are still getting to know each other.

What I would recommend to you is what I tell all sexually active women (single or in a relationship), please keep using latex condoms. Also, tell your new boyfriend that you want to get tested together for STD/HIV/AIDS (now and three months after) just to know each other’s status. It’s a great way to show respect for each other. The most important thing for the both of you is to be safe. After all he’s got a past too.

Question:

I’ve been dating a guy for about four weeks. He’s a very successful lawyer and works long hours. He’s not the best looking guy, but he’s really nice to me. We’ve been having sex since the third date and it has been really awkward. I don’t know, it’s just not working for me. But I gave it another try on our last date, because I thought it might get better. This time I was nervous, because I just wanted to get it over with and I didn’t want him to notice. We’ve already gone on seven dates and I am going out with him next weekend. He’s been flirting with me sexually and I am so not into it. How can I tell him the sex is bad? What should I say? –Beth, 25

Answer:

Let’s put the bad sex aside for a second. I am going to rip off the band-aid with this scenario. Why are you dating this guy? You don’t seem to be attracted to him! In fact, I am pretty sure that is why the sex is so awkward. I’m sure if you were attracted to him that you would have already taken some initiative during the sex. The first thing that you mentioned was his successful career as a lawyer, then you put down his looks, yet he has spent just about two days per week of his free time with you! And now you have plans to see him again? Why are you torturing yourself?

What scares me about this scenario right now is that I think you would marry this guy (if given the opportunity) just because he’s a lawyer! And you know you would be miserable, emotionally and sexually. This poor guy is genuinely interested in you and you’re only with him for his career status! You need to do some soul searching to figure out why you’re so infatuated with his career instead of the person on the inside.
 I highly recommend that you cancel your date this weekend and ask him to meet you for coffee. When you meet with him in your most compassionate voice say this:

“I think you’re great guy and I’ve had a wonderful time getting to know you. But I need to be honest with you. I really don’t feel a connection between us. I think that it would be best if we stop seeing each other. I am really sorry. But I know you deserve a woman in your life that feels the same way you do about her and I don’t want to get in the way of you meeting her.”

Then let him speak and when he’s done tell him that you have to go, give him a kiss on the cheek, then leave. Ladies, this is the truth. Just like I would advise a woman to leave a man that is wasting her time, I believe a woman should show a man the same respect and stop taking the space reserved for his dream girl.

Question:

Do most, some, or very few women orgasm without direct stimulation (self stim, male’s pubic bone) of the clitoris during love making? – Gail, 35

Answer:

Thank you so much for this question, Gail! I am happy to dispel a horrible myth regarding the female orgasm, which is, if a woman is unable to achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse she is not sexually mature or something is terribly wrong with her, because she cannot achieve an orgasm from “the mighty penis” alone (sarcastically speaking).

To answer you question, according to a national study conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine published in October, 2010, “Women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sexual acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included”. Furthermore, according to research conducted by Dr. Gail Saltz, “Only 20-percent of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone, most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.”

Basically, it is a proven fact, time and time, that women need variety within their sexual activity to achieve an orgasm. Remember, the best way to approach this is to educate your sexual partner on what helps stimulate your sexual arousal. Just have fun on the path to your orgasm together!

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names.

Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

My sisters do not get along.  They will be civil, but they don’t get along. They’ve never had a falling out and they never put me in the middle, but I hate the fact that they both judge one another and compete. Is there anything I can say or is it simply none of my business?

ANSWER:

Since your sisters’ competing and judging each other is neither about you nor involves you, your input can only be about the sadness it causes. Knowing that how they treat each other affects you (and probably others) may be motivation to monitor and manage their actions. Perhaps your sisters are not themselves bothered by  their relationship’s negative tone. If they are though, a couple of sessions of counseling could straighten it out.  It’s too bad; sibling relationships are our longest lived ones and can be close through life.

QUESTION:

My pregnant sister is extremely whiney. It’s the early stages too, but I believe it’s her attitude, as well. She is Mrs. Drama for sure and it’s really frustrating.  Do I let it be for nine months or let her know that she sounds annoying? It’s annoying!

ANSWER:

Hormones are often high early in a pregnancy and cause wild mood swings that dissipate as the weeks go on. That being said, mood swings do not mean whiney behavior is acceptable. If whiney is out of character for your sister, you could make light of it: “Whew, you are so not yourself – I hope this doesn’t last nine months.”  Remember;  it’s how a message is delivered just as much as its content. If there is no change, a little distance while she works her way through the mood swings will serve you well without offending the mother-to-be.

QUESTION:

Are there some key signs in a relationship that “my partner” may or may not be the “one?”

ANSWER:

The key signs that a relationship does not have the potential to be significant come from your own emotional state when you are thinking about and with the “one.”  If you are often calculating what, how and when you address difficult subjects you are working too hard.  You want to be comfortable being spontaneous most of the time.

QUESTION:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over five years now. We have discussed marriage for a while and and he knows I am ready.  Unfortunately, he is not.  We are in our early thirties, but I am so ready.  Do I wait or move on?

ANSWER:

Is your boyfriend insightful and forthcoming about why he is not ready for the commitment of marriage?  That is the beginning point for deciding what to do.  If he can’t or won’t address this at the moment, ask him when will be a good time.  You might suggest seeing a couples counselor to get clear about the potential for your future.  His reaction to your wanting and needing more insight may be helpful in making your decision if it is left to you alone.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CATHY? Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names.

Crystal Gaynor, Making Fitness Crystal Clear

Dear Crystal,

I injured my knee badly, but don’t have health insurance so I can’t do much right now.  Are there any at-home knee exercises I can do for therapy/protection and strengthening? -Diane J. / Cherry Hill, NJ

Dear Diane,

The best suggestion that I can make for your knee is to GET TO A DOCTOR ASAP!
  A doctor is the only person that should diagnosis an injury of this type. Not your best friend, not the Internet, and not your trainer.  A doctor has the ability to conduct x-rays, tests and whatever else may be needed to make a full and proper diagnosis for treatment.

It may cost you a little extra up front, but it will save your knee in the long run.

Dear Crystal,

Do you have any fun abdominal exercises that require partners? I’m sick of doing boring floor exercises by myself. -Catherine T. / Parsippany, NJ

Dear Catherine,

It’s fun to exercise with a partner, so buddy up.  One suggestion for you and your partner to try from LiveStrong.com is The Sit-Up Pass.

Sit face to face with your knees bent and your feet touching your partner’s. Perform a sit-up, tossing the ball to your partner as you rise to the top of the sit-up. Your partner catches the ball and performs his own sit-up. Complete a full sit-up when you have the ball and another when your partner has the ball. Repeat for 15 to 20 reps.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/111778-medicine-ball-exercises-couples/#ixzz1mxPAkuiK

Dear Crystal,

What are some at-home exercises for cardio that don’t include jumping jacks? -Nicole P. / Danbury, CT.

Dear  Nicole,

There are plenty of at home cardio workouts to choose from.  If you live in a home or apartment with stairs, try running the stairs for 3-6 cycles.  All the way up and all the way down counts as one cycle. Work your way up to 20 cycles.  

Also consider full body exercises like “Burpees” for a great cardio blast.

Start in a squat position, hands on the floor in front of you. Then kick your feet back to a push-up position.  Next, bring your feet back to the squat position and finally leap as high as you can from the squat.

This takes a little practice, so start off with 5 and work your way up to 10 or more.

Dear Crystal,

What are your thoughts on P90x?  I’m debating whether to invest or not because I love yoga, and I am athletic so I will be able to handle it. -Taylor J.

Dear Taylor,

If you’re up for the challenge and you sound like you are, P90X is a great way to go.  The workouts are designed to challenge your body in every way.

Physical fitness is defined as cardiovascular strength and endurance, muscular strength and endurance, and flexibility.  P90X has done a wonderful job of combining all of the aspects on training into a systemic workout program and since you already love yoga, that’s included too.

I strongly suggest you make the investment.  It’s a workout program that you will use over and over again.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CRYSTAL?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Ellen Goldman EnerG Coaching

Question: Can you suggest a few tips that will help me have a more calm and productive week?

Answer:

When it comes to creating a calm and productive week, the key is planning.  Choose a quiet time once a weekend and devote 20-30 minutes to plan the upcoming week’s activities.  I love to do this Sunday mornings while enjoying my coffee.  Look at your calendar; all your appointments and meetings should already be plugged in.  Next, schedule in your self-care.  I’ve been in the fitness industry for 30 years, and I still plan when I’ll be getting in my workouts.

Aside from client appointments, they are the next non-negotiable appointments on my calendar.  After all, if I’m not taking care of me, I’ll have no energy left to care for my business, family, and other important obligations.

Now, do a brain dump of all the “must-do’s” for the upcoming week.  Some of mine are things like banking, marketing, preparing for speaking engagements, purchasing birthday gifts for Mom, grocery shopping…the list can go on and on so make sure to really focus on the most important priorities. Now bunch your chores and plug them in.  For instance, I don’t see clients on Wednesday afternoons, so I do all my out of the home chores then.  Monday mornings are for writing.  Each one gets plugged into my calendar.  Knowing when I’ll be handling all the necessities allows me to stay calm and focused on what I am doing, when I am doing it.

Last tip, by making sure there is always one fun thing to look forward to on your calendar, you’ll feel optimistic and calm knowing you’ll be rewarded for a productive week.

Question: How can I start to take responsibility for not working out? I keep saying “I’m bored and tired of doing it alone” So I don’t workout….

Answer:

I’m glad to see you thinking about the issue of taking responsibility.  It obviously means you recognize that the stories you are telling yourself are excuses.  Wanting to take responsibility must mean you believe there is value in maintaining an exercise routine, and that you want to do so.  You might begin by asking yourself, “What is it costing you to not work out?”  Worry, lack of energy, weight gain?  And what will you gain by getting into a regular routine? Stress relief, zest, better health?  Your motivators should be very personal and your jet fuel to get you going.

However, boredom and doing it alone can certainly take the joy out of working out no matter how motivated you are.  Perhaps it’s time to completely shake up your routine and try something new.  Maybe a group class would be a great way to go.  Or, do you have someone who might become your workout buddy.  Even a “boring” walk on the treadmill is a lot more fun when your BFF is on the next machine and you’re talking the time away.  Once you put fun back into your workouts, reward your accomplishments and enjoy the benefits of fitness, you just might find it becomes the favorite part of your day.

Question: Now that my office is home, I am having a difficult time leaving my office and I am working all day and night. How can I manage this better?

Answer:

Working at home has many advantages, but it can also become a nightmare if not handled properly.  I truly understand how easy it is to work all the time when your office is two feet away from your bedroom!  My best advice when “work life” and “home life” are under the same roof, is to create some boundaries and rules.  Ideally you will have a space for a home office, but if not an entire room, create an area meant for work only.  Keep your work things together in files and organizers, and don’t allow them to creep into all the other rooms of your home.  Designate a phone line specifically for your business, and don’t pick up the home line while working or the work line while attending to home responsibilities.  That’s what answering machines are for!

Make sure you take a designated lunch break everyday, even if it’s only 20-30 minutes.   Don’t check emails, balance the books or do any other work related tasks. Enjoy the time to refresh and relax.  If possible, even leave your home and get some fresh air.  When weather permits, I always take my dog for a brief walk during my lunch breaks.  Create a rule around shutting down the computer at a decent hour.  I’m not even going to suggest 5PM, because you’d probably think I am out of my mind!  But, close down for dinner perhaps from 5:30-8PM, check back in for an hour to clean up the last urgent details of the day and then be done by 9PM.  Consider taking one full day a weekend and declaring it work free.  Close the door to your office, shut down your computer, and enjoy your home and leisure time.  You probably chose working from home because you believed it would give you more freedom and flexibility.  And that’s just what you can have, as long as you allow it!

Question: Not sure how to get myself motivated to get up early to workout. I want to get up earlier than I do, but I don’t. I lie there in bed, just hanging out until I really have to get up.

Answer:

Although research proves time and time again that morning exercisers have a much greater compliance rate than others, it’s not for everyone.  Many successfully stick to routines by working out during their lunch hour, after work, or by taking classes at designated times.  Are you trying to force yourself to exercise in the morning when you really would prefer another time of the day, or is that the only time you truly have to workout?

If the AM workout is really the only time due to your current schedule, here are a few suggestions that have worked for some of my clients.  Lay out your exercise clothes and sneakers by your bedside where you’ll see them first thing.  Put your alarm clock on the opposite side of the room where you’ll have to get out of bed to turn it off.  If possible, use your workout music to wake you rather than an annoying buzzing sound.  Plan a favorite breakfast treat (healthy of course) for after your workouts.

I even have one client who power walks to the local Starbucks, enjoys her coffee and oatmeal, and then power walks home.  It’s become her favorite “me” time of the day.  Do you have a friend who might be willing to be your morning exercise buddy?  It’s hard to roll back over in bed when you know someone is waiting for you at the gym or high school track.  I hope these ideas help, but above all, remind yourself how great you will feel starting your day with the energy a good workout brings, and knowing that it’s complete and you don’t need to worry about squeezing it in as the day gets more and more hectic, as they all seem to do.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR ELLEN?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names.

Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I have a friend who emotionally drains me by constantly e-mailing that I have offended her or made her feel  bad.  Now I have to walk on eggshells.  Should I say something or just let it be?

Answer:

If you consider walking on eggshells a sport and the challenge is enticing, you shouldn’t say something.  If you take no action and behave as if everything is fine, your friend will not respect your boundaries.  Some people do tolerate disrespect (and she is disrespecting you whether she knows it or not) but it can generate resentment in you.  Even when a friend is aware that his/her behaviors distress others, he may not be motivated to change for some personal reason that may or may not involve you. Ask.

Question: I’m a young woman with confidence about many things.  My flaws though eat me alive.   The current conflict is:  I am considering  having plastic surgery and my boyfriend disagrees.  If everybody disagrees with the surgery, and I’m the only one who wants it, should I go through with it?

Answer:

You need to do more research including asking for more input from the people who matter to you.  “I disagree” is not a complete answer.  Once you learn the reasons others disagree you will be able to make a more educated decision.

Question: I need to speak up to my boss who “barks” at me constantly.  She does it in front of others as well.  It’s rude and disrespectful.  How should I approach this?

Answer:

Unlike your boss, do not speak up in front of others, at least not initially.  Ask for a private moment and say you wonder if you are doing something that is offensive.  You may well get:  “No, why do you ask?”  Then you can give an example and share that the reaction seems exasperated or annoyed.  If that is denied, simply thank the boss for his/her time and wait for a change.  Since your boss is testing whether you will tolerate disrespect, you will have discreetly announced you are not.  If there is no change you may, the next time it happens in front of others,  respectfully say:   “There is an example.”

Question: I am so sick and tired of office BS.  I don’t understand why people throw one another under the bus all the time.  How do I talk to those who I know have ratted me out?

Answer:

Office dynamics can be tricky business.  Rather than speaking to individuals about what you think they have said about you, switch to a positive approach and suggest  the topic of team work and team perspective for an office meeting.  If there are specific incidents involving you and you are positive of the facts, you could casually mention your concerns to the individual.  Something like:  “I’m concerned about what I suppose is a mis-perception…”   Give the person a way to save face while saying you won’t participate in the office BS.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CATHY? Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Crystal Gaynor, Making Fitness Crystal Clear

Dear Crystal, 

Are there any new and fun abdominal exercises that I can do at home? - Patricia  J. /Montclair, NJ

Dear Patricia,

If you want to spice up your at home ab-workouts, check out my new favorite workout from www.FitnessAnywhere.com, the TRX Suspension Trainer.  It’s a system that uses “gravity and movement to generate neuromuscular responses.”  If you have a door in you home, and I’m sure that you do, this training system will give you a variety of ways to challenge your core.   The trainer itself is made of  “industrial grade nylon webbing “ and can be attached to any door. Log on to their site and check them out.  I’m sure that you will become a fan as well.  

Dear Crystal, 

Is it safe to workout with ankle weights?   I heard that it could be damaging to your knees.  Is this true? -Michelle K. /Westfield, NJ

Dear Michelle,

You heard right.  Working out with ankle weights can be damaging depending on how the weights are used and the amount of weight that is used.  Ankle weights can be very effective when used in certain exercises since they offer added resistance and are affordable for any home gym.  Keep the weights at a controllable amount.  Two to five pounds is a good start depending on your fitness level.  Don’t swing the weights with force and always use control and caution.  Running with ankle weights is a no-no, and if you use them for walking try hand weights instead to add a little resistance to your workout.  Your knees should last a lifetime – help them out by treating them well.

Dear Crystal, 

Is it good to eat directly after a workout or is it better to wait awhile? -Kat K. / Hershey, PA 

Dear Kat,

A little before and a little after, goes a long way.  Eat at least 30 minutes before your workout to fuel the body with needed energy.  A piece of fruit or almonds are a great way to gear up.  After your workout, you’ll want to refuel with a protein for muscle repair.  Within 30 minutes of finishing your workout, have a shake, a boiled egg, yogurt or even beans.  And be sure to throw in a few veggies for good measure.  All are great ways to refuel after a hard workout.   Oh yeah, don’t forget to drink plenty of water!

Dear Crystal, 

I am so sick of my boob fat!  I’m not fat, but the boob flesh around my back is annoying.  How can I tighten that up? -Joanne T. /Trenton, SC 

Dear Joanne,

The ever annoying bra fat is every woman’s and believe it or not, even some men’s, worst nightmare.  First and foremost take a serious look at your diet.  Little things like that extra glass of wine, or that extra slice of cake may be adding insult to injury.  Secondly, make sure your workout includes exercises for the Latissimus Dorsi, muscles of the back.   Try a Bent-Over Row.  Place the left hand and knee on the bench. The right foot is on the floor and the right hand is holding the weight.  Extend the arm fully then pull the weight up toward the chest as the elbow reaches up toward the celling.  Use a weight that challenges you for 8-15 reps. Switch to the other side.  Poof, bra fat be gone!

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CRYSTAL?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  Do you think it’s strange that a guy I just met, lives an hour plus away and is now looking at places to live in my area? I didn’t ask him and we’ve been on two dates. Should I be worried he may be clingy? – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Before you become worried, ask him why he’s decided to move to your area. If you don’t ask, he won’t tell. It could be for work or for a better commute and everyday lifestyle. He may have been planning the move before he even met you. Unless he’s moving to your block and has indicated that it is to be closer to you, than I don’t see any worries. If you’re worried that he may be clingy, just be sure to limit the time you spend with him for now. However, when you are with him genuinely get to know him. Take things slow and maintain your own life (always).

QUESTION: How do you tell your boyfriend that you want to be intimate more often? I don’t want to put him down, but I want it more, and he doesn’t put the moves on enough! – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Great question! The best way to avoid intimidating a man about sex is to entertain him with sex.

Stop being a lady waiting to get laid and just put the moves on your man. Entice him by telling him how much you want him while touching him (instead of complaining about lack of sex). As I mentioned, he’ll be too turned on (entertained) to be intimidated.

QUESTION: When is too soon to move in with the guy you are dating? – Kelly 29, NJ

ANSWER:

First and foremost, I do not advise you to move in with a guy that you are “dating.” “Dating” is the period of time you should take to get to know the guy you’re interested in. You need to do this from separate homes and on dates with him. Before you consider such a serious commitment to change your lifestyle, the man you plan on moving in with should be in a mutually committed relationship (with you) or be your fiancé.

In other words, too soon is when there is no serious mutual commitment between you and the guy you are dating, coupled with a lack of sufficient time to get to know each other (and meet each others families). I recommend that you spend at least a year and a half doing this in order to be sure. After all, when you decide to move in with a man, you are taking your fabulous self off the market, so it is best to be sure that he doesn’t want to just “play house” instead of creating a real future together.

QUESTION: Do you have some key signs on how to know if your man is cheating on you? – Yvette 32, NY

ANSWER:

Good question. If you haven’t established trust in your relationship you will always be suspicious of your partner. Some signs of cheating are when your partner starts to change his routine while becoming secretive about his whereabouts, who he is spending time with and his phone calls. Also, if he has a lack of interest in your life and spending time with you. These signs can be a hint that he is hiding another lifestyle or relationship(s) from you.

Overall, it is important to understand that before jumping to any conclusions, be sure to have a heart to heart talk with your partner about the current state of your relationship. Ask him why he has been so distant and secretive. Remember to ask him if he is dating or having sex with another person. I know that the truth can hurt for a moment, but it can save you a lifetime of pain.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names.

Ellen Goldman EnerG Coaching

Question: It’s the holiday season and I do not know how to manage my eating habits. I cook the junk for the holidays and I eat it, too. How do I say no? I know mental strength is weak during the holidays.  Any suggestions?

Answer:  First and foremost, begin to change your inner talk.  Telling yourself, “I do not know how to manage my eating habits. I know mental strength is weak during the holidays,” already sets you up for failure.  You expect to have trouble, therefore you do.  If you do a good job of managing your eating habits at other times of the year, there’s no reason why you can’t use that strength during the holiday season.  Remind yourself, “I do a great job of managing my foods the rest of the year, so despite the increase in treats accessible during this season, I have the determination to continue eating healthy.”  By empowering your thoughts, you’ll empower your actions.

Secondly, follow the same smart guidelines you do everyday.  Don’t skip meals. Eat often and eat light. Choose a combination of healthy grains, veggies, fruits and lean protein. Keep up your exercise routine, even if you need to cut back on the duration of your sessions if pressed for time.  Don’t show up at parties hungry.  As far as cooking “junk” for the holidays, why not try lightening up some of your traditional recipes, or try out some new healthier ones.  I am sure your guests will appreciate new choices at the buffet table.  If you do cook or bake some indulgent treats, either do so in advance if they can be frozen, or prepare them right before your events so you won’t be staring at the goodies for days on end.  Begin to visualize how great you will feel when the season is over when you are still feeling healthy and on track with your wellness goals.  The more you imagine and picture yourself doing great at this time of year, the more that reality will come true.  Happy holidays!

Question: I am currently single again after a few years, now I do not know what to do with my time. I feel like I have so much free time.  

Answer:  Transitioning from being a couple to being a single can often be quite difficult.  Even if you are OK with the breakup, you may be feeling lost as to who you are without a partner by your side.  However, despite the fact that change is often scary and hard, it also offers opportunities that can be exciting and growth producing.  Begin to ask yourself some questions, such as, “What did I like to do as a child that I’ve forgotten about now that grown up responsibilities have come into my life?”  Did you draw, do jigsaw puzzles, or ice skate?  “What activities do I look forward to when on vacation, that I never seem to do at home?”  Try visiting a museum. Pretend you are a tourist and visits the sights in your town, or take a walking tour. “What have I always said I would like to do if I had the time?”  Want to learn to play piano or paint?  Write the novel you’ve had in your mind for years?  Did you ever dream about cooking vegetarian recipes or baking bread?  How about taking a class in one of these activities.  You will learn a new skill and possibly make some new friends.

One more idea; nothing feels better than volunteering and giving of yourself to others.  You can visit nursing homes and brighten the lives of many lonely individuals.  Perhaps becoming a Big Sister to a child who doesn’t have a mom would feel rewarding and certainly fill some of your lonely hours.  If you love animals, the shelters are always looking for help.  Use your imagination, bravely try out some new things, and soon you’ll be doing things that make you happy, without worrying about anyone else.  You may even find that alone time is not so bad after all.  Then when you least expect it, someone new will enter your world.

Question:  What are some tips to improve my mental fitness that will help me get through the physical fitness?

Answer:  When you refer to “mental fitness” what you are really asking about is how to increase motivation.  Motivation is the energy, the jet fuel that drives us, to do things we may not want to in the moment because we value the outcome. Examine your reasons for participating in a fitness routine, until you find why you want to exercise, versus all the reasons why you should exercise. In order for motivation to be sustained, you have to feel not only that you are doing this because it is something you want (intrinsically motivated) but also that we are competent at what it is we are doing.  So, if you have reasons to exercise that are meaningful to you, not because your mother, boyfriend or doctor thinks you should, there is a better chance that you’ll stick to a fitness program.  And, if you find an activity that you are comfortable with and feel that you do well, that will help too.  If you feel awkward and uncomfortable in a spinning class, but love the feel of being on a bike outside, obviously you’ll be more motivated to take to the road.  So the formula for improving your mental fitness to get through your physical fitness is tune into what’s driving you (your big reason why) and find things that you are good at, and you enjoy doing.  Experiment with lots of possibilities until you find the mode of exercise that you can look forward to and compels you to get through your workouts.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR ELLEN?

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Catherine Bridwell

Queston:

I’m extremely passive when it comes to my relationship with my mother.  She is always making decisions and planning things for me.  I have trouble saying no, so I end up doing things I don’t want to do.  For example, I take my niece and nephew on my vacation,  go to a party with her, run an errand for her.  I don’t live at home and I am a grown woman.  I need my time and can make my own decisions.  How can I approach this without hurting her feelings and stand my ground?

Answer:

Since a stumbling block for you is hurting someone’s feelings (your mother’s in this case, but most likely those of any close relationship), preface what you have to say with: “My intent is not to hurt your feelings and I’m worried this may, but I need to tell you…” You are not in charge of other peoples feelings – as long as you are respectful in what you say and present it with sensitivity, you’ve done all you can do.  Remember, hurt feelings are part of the emotional spectrum of life.  How can a person appreciate the good without ever knowing the bad?

Do you suppose your mother is not aware that she oversteps your personal boundaries?

Ask your mother when it will be a good time to talk; say that there are several concerns to discuss.  If you think she may react immaturely,  invite her out for dinner where she will be able to manage her reaction more appropriately.  Whether she has intended to or not, she is being manipulative.  Whether you have been accepting of it or not, you have allowed it.  Time to make your relationship with her healthier.

Question:

I have noticed lately that I am being negative.  When I have a conversation with friends and family and it comes to a topic involving opinions I point out the negative right away.  I also had a friend tell me that I am not joining the conversation, I’m pointing out the negative as if I’m “right.”  I’m being oppositional.  How can I change this behavior?

Answer:

Most often people who frequently use negativity, are sarcastic, caustic, or oppositional (all of which can be passive aggressive behavior) are harboring anger.  If this is a new behavior for you, explore what could be causing your anger and negativity.  That is the way to change your behavior.  If there is a cause you can point to, address the circumstances.

If there are not current situations to explain negativism, you may have reached a point in life that unresolved childhood experiences about which you are not consciously aware are surfacing.  In this case, explore it with a trusted friend or do some counseling on the subject.

Question:

What are some steps I could take to ease the pain and be able to move forward after the loss of a loved one?

Answer:

Oh, I wish there were a simple answer.  Grieving a death can be a challenging journey.  There are stages and phases, not all necessarily experienced and not necessarily in a particular order.  You will serve yourself best to take it slow – be very wary of trying to avoid the process.  Grieving is a part of being human – we learn and grow through it.

Here are some helpful basics:

•  Be kind to yourself – don’t push too hard to act as though “everything’s fine.”
•  Allow plenty of time to experience the anguish (that is, don’t bottle it up).  This can mean, put on an act in public, but as soon as circumstances permit return to the thoughts and feelings.
• Talk – to others who are grieving, to friends.  Join a bereavement group.
• Add up-beat activities to your daily schedule.
• Write or journal about your loved one; even write to the person.  Some people find it helpful to write the loved one’s response back.

Remember that time is healing and you will “return to yourself.”

Question:

I found out that my mother is having an affair.  Do I get involved?  If so, what do I even do?  I’m an adult and not living at home, but still feel like I should probably say something.

Answer:

Acknowledging to your mother that you are aware of her affair depends on the purpose to be served, the kind of relationship you currently have with her and the kind of relationship you want with her in the future.

Ask yourself these questions:   Would your mother be angry that her secret isn’t solid?  Would she be relieved she doesn’t have to “put on an act” with you?  Are you trying to influence her or simply be there for her?

Affairs are first and foremost about the participants’ marriages.  In the healthiest of circumstances an individual tempted by an affair first considers what needs are not being met by her/his spouse.  That is the beginning place to work if your mother were so inclined – in counseling it’s called relationship counseling – it’s not marriage counseling, not divorce counseling.

The fact that you care is a positive statement in itself – perhaps just saying that to your mom would help determine if anything else needs to be spoken.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR CATHY? Please fill out the form below and your question will be answered in the order it’s received. Please continue to check back for your question to be answered. Note: we do not use last names

Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. But, we don’t have oral sex. He wants me to let him give me oral sex. I feel really insecure about letting him do it to me. Why can I do to stop feeling this way about it? 

ANSWER:

Great question! First, I would like for you to ask yourself, “what exactly do I feel insecure about?” Is it the idea of him being completely up close and personal with my vagina? Some women are taught that when they start menstruating that their vaginas have officially become dirty. Please understand that your vagina is a self-cleaning machine, which follows a cycle like clockwork. “Or am I uncomfortable with receiving all the sexual attention?” Most women are taught to value and give of ourselves completely in our romantic relationships, yet we are not taught the value of receiving in them (especially when it comes to receiving sole pleasure in intimacy).

If you are having great sex with your boyfriend, oral sex can be a fun way to take it up a notch by trying something new that may add to YOUR pleasure. I recommend with any new sexual activity to prepare for pleasure. If you do decide to let him give you oral sex, have it at a time and place when you are comfortable and ready rather than when you feel pressured or too shy. Be sure to wax/shave, bathe and lotion up with your favorite (or his) fruit fragrance prior to engaging in oral sex. Hey, it’s fun to be irresistibly delicious! Feel free to include a game like Oral Sex Game for Her. This can help “break the ice” by both of you learning what feels good and what doesn’t to help your lover what to focus on for your pleasure. Remember to relax, breathe deeply and think to yourself “ I am delicious and I deserve to feel pleasure.”

QUESTION: Is it safe if I have sex with a guy without him wearing a condom during my period?

My question to you is what do you want to prevent? An unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection? Well either way, you still can get pregnant during your period. However, the chances would be less than during ovulation. Also, there is a higher chance of contracting an STI from your male partner, because during a woman’s period, her cervix naturally expands due to the blood passing out of it.

If a guy ejaculates inside of you without wearing a condom, and has any type of sexually transmitted infection (such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, etc.) it can be passed to you from his semen, which means you are at higher risk of contracting the infection. If you have HIV or a sexually transmitted infection, it will be carried through your menstrual blood in a higher concentration than in your vaginal secretions. And since there will be more blood around, you will have a higher risk of giving it to your male partner.

If you want to be safe get tested for any STI and make sure your partner does the same. The bottom line is that you need to use condoms until you and your sexual partner both have proof of a clean bill of sexual health. No exceptions!

QUESTION: I want to introduce my vibrator to sex with my boyfriend. How should I do it?

Most men are totally open for introducing the use of sex toys in the bedroom and will thank their lucky stars that they’ve found a woman who is confident enough to share this side of her sex life with them. However, since some guys may worry that your vibrator is making up for their shortcomings (no pun intended), it would be wise to make it clear that this is a sexual desire that you want to share with him rather than his competition. Because if there is another penis in the room (even if it is fake) that is what he will be thinking.

To put him at ease as well as entice him, you could say, “I want to show you something that really turns me on, and I hope you will like it too.” When you take it out remember to show him how you use it on yourself first! (A live porn session for his eyes only), then ask him to operate the controls during sex, so that he can feel like he’s participating in giving you pleasure. After a man sees how your vibrator is just an accessory from the “sex toolbox” rather than his understudy, then he’ll probably be cool with it.

QUESTION: I’ve been talking to a guy on Facebook chat and things got pretty HOT! How can I slow things down when we start dating in person?

Ah good old “cyber-courage” (the cousin of “liquid courage”) got you into a little naughty trouble. Technology has made it is so easy for us to go overboard with what begins as an innocent casual wink here and a “muah xoxo” there, when we are all safely nestled in our homes behind a computer screen. Chances are that this type of heavy flirtation can get someone “hot and bothered” for your first date by saying too much too soon. You are obviously not ready to take this to a sexual level, so I highly recommend that you have a talk with this guy about this online beforehand.

This is where “cyber-courage” comes in handy. The online chat will clear the air of any tension (sexual or otherwise) for you both before meeting in person. During your chat be sure to keep your tone casual, by saying something like this “hey, we got really wild online last time, so I just wanted to be honest and make it clear that while I might be interested in ‘going there’ with you down the road, right now I want to take things slow.”

When you finally meet in person keep things light and express genuine curiosity in learning about his interests, background and everyday life. Hey, you never know, he may have felt nervous about the sexy chat and may feel happy about talking things slow. After all isn’t that the whole point. Building a real life connection rather than a “cyber-sex buddy.”

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LISA?

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