We all know what dating is all about. Saturday night is upon you, and you have a date with a great new guy. You take special care with your hair and make-up, and pick your best outfit out of your closet, or maybe from the rack of your favorite place to shop.

Once the date begins, you’re on your best behavior. You smile, flirt, make witty conversation and pay close attention to the person you’re with. Ideally, he does the same thing. Things go so well that the two of you agree to go out again. And again, and again, and again…until you and the hot new guy become a couple. Ahh, that’s when things begin to change.

Maybe date nights become sitting home curled up on the couch watching movies, or helping friends move, or shopping for a new refrigerator when the one in your apartment just died.

And maybe that great new outfit becomes sweats and a t-shirt. And the blown dry and flat ironed hair becomes a pony tail. And none of that, in and of itself, is bad. It mostly means that the two of you are comfortable with each other. And comfort is a good thing. It’s one of the many signs that a relationship is good and strong and possibly lasting. But comfort can also lead to complacency. And that’s not good.

Am I saying that clothes and make-up make the woman, and that those things are the only ones a man should notice? No, not at all. What I am saying is that while comfort is good, maybe too much comfort is not. There was a reason why you both found each other special in the first place—a reason why you wanted to make things special for him, and that he, no doubt, wanted to make himself special for you. In the midst of all that comfort, don’t forget the special. Keep the sparks flying by never forgetting what made each of you think the other was so special in the first place. It will make that transition from date to couple much easier and a lot more fun!

Since graduation and new-job season is upon us, I think it’s appropriate this month to talk about the school-to-work transition. It’s such an exciting time, but it can be very stressful, as well.

Since I didn’t attend college full-time right after high school, I made my school-to-work transition right after I graduated. I got a job as a secretary at a very large corporation. It was very exciting. The amount of money I was making seemed like a small fortune to 18-year-old me.

Really, at the beginning, it wasn’t all that different from going to school. I still had to get up early in the morning. The day was a little longer than a school day, but there was no homework. No summer vacation either, but most of my friends were working anyway, so that wasn’t such a big deal.

All of a sudden, though, the changes became more apparent. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call a friend anytime I felt like it. Personal phone calls were frowned upon. If I walked in late to class, teachers would usually cut me some slack. If I walked in late to work, that slack wasn’t there. Traffic wasn’t an excuse, and neither was snow.

In school, I was used to hanging around with people my own age most of the time, and the occasional adult in the form of a teacher or parent. Not at work. For the most part, everyone was older than me, and judging my every move.

I made some big mistakes at that first job, including the time I went to a retirement party and, well let’s just say I overdid the alcohol a little more than I should have. It made for a very sticky situation at the office the next day.

The school-to-work transition is often tricky to navigate. The two worlds are very different. What you do outside of work can definitely come back to haunt you, during the job hunt or the actual job. You need to be careful, be conscious of your behavior and make the best impression you know how to make. You need to remember that you’re in the big-kid world, and the usual “student” mentality won’t work. But most importantly, you need to enjoy what you do, and do it well.

When Susan and I first talked about this blog, and about transitions, I said to her that every time we lift our heads off our pillows and start a new day is a transition. Corny as it may sound, every day is the first one of the rest of our lives. And while that’s definitely true, some days, and some transitions, are more difficult than others.

One of the first real, true transitions that I had ever faced in my life was the very sudden death of my mother when I was 15 years old. She hadn’t been feeling quite right, but refused to go to the doctor, until after a few days, my father insisted he was going to take her the following morning. I went off to school, as was the norm. Suddenly I was called to the office. I found my older brother waiting for me, and with his words, “mom had a stroke, and it doesn’t look good,” my world changed forever.

After four days of being in a coma, my mother died. I never had the chance to say goodbye, or tell her just one more time how much I loved her. It was, and to this day still is, the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me.

My mother’s death marked the first of many transitions in my life. I had to grow up that day, much faster than I ever would have liked.  I had many more responsibilities than I’d ever had, including all the household chores for myself and my father and brother, with whom I lived, and watching over my father, who was also completely devastated over the loss of his beloved wife. All this while trying to navigate the already hellish teenage years.

There was nothing about that time that was easy. And if I could change it, I would still have my mother with me today. But that transition in my life, though not chosen, made me a stronger person. It taught me that life isn’t always perfect, and things don’t always go the way you want them to. Sometimes life sends you in a direction that you never intended to go. What eventually worked for me was to try and make the best of things, and forge a new path, when the one I was on was suddenly taken from me. It’s not easy, and it takes time. I’m still forging that path, 34 years later. But with time, it does work. I hope it will work for you.

Back to Work

“We’d like to offer you a position at our firm.”  I still smile when I think back to the day when the company recruiter offered me a job.  Not just any job mind you, but an ideal job for me in this difficult job market.  I’d like to share with you my personal journey that concluded with that special day. 

I worked at a large pharmaceutical company for almost a decade when the company decided to merge with a larger peer. This was not the first time I’ve gone through a merger.  I asked myself:  Will I keep my job? Will my location change?  Will I be doing the same thing?  If I lose my job, when will that happen? How much time will they give me?  It was a scary place to be in especially in the middle of the Great Recession. 

I considered myself lucky because I kept my position for more than a year after the merger announcements.  Many of my colleagues lost their jobs soon after the merger deal closed. My former employer set up a program to assist employees during the merger transition with financial education, resume writing and resiliency training.  I specifically recall the resiliency training because the facilitators explained the range of emotions one might experience during a merger: shock, denial, anger, worry, acceptance and finally, taking action.  I learned from this training to accept the circumstances that I cannot control and to focus my energy and attention on the things that are within my control.  So, when my job was “transitioned” to another person instead of being angry at the situation I worked with her in a cordial and professional manner.   Moreover, I sought opportunities to work on other projects within the company and outside, such as presenting at a conference or professional affiliations, networking, joining “Meetup” groups, writing for online magazines (Identity), etc.  These activities helped to develop my confidence and to build on my experience.

Fourteen months following the merger announcement I joined the ranks of the unemployed.  I was secretly hoping that there would be a job for me, that somehow I would be immune to the merger’s Reduction in Force plans (RIFs).  I later realized that I was in denial.  Finally, my last day at work came and reality hit.  
“What do I want to do?”

This may seem like an easy question to answer.  I should seek a similar position.   But I viewed my situation as an opportunity to reflect and explore a different career.  I assessed my interests, abilities, talents, skills, relationships, and my personality traits and completed an online assessment to discover more possible career choices. 
Next step: assess the market. 

The greatest loss in jobs since the Great Depression made it an employers’ market so changing careers really wasn’t an option.   I did briefly consider going back to school and earning an MBA but I quickly concluded that this was not a practical option.  I also considered working independently and talked to a lot of women who chose that option.  While this option was enticing, being your own boss, I decided that this wasn’t the best choice for me.  I kept the independent route open while at the same time, looking for a position where I could leverage my experience, targeting different industries and expanding my geographical reach, i.e., commuting farther.

Action Plan

After my assessment, I decided on a similar career path.  The next step was to develop a plan of action.   My action plan included short and long term goals and milestones and the specific tasks needed to achieve those goals.  I remained focused while continually making adjustments as necessary.

In the first month, I developed my personal brand and learned as much as I could about the job search process.  (I’ll discuss this in more detail below.)  Next, I started looking online for positions within my identified parameters while increasing my networking.  It was frustrating not finding any positions that matched my experience and expectations. Either I was overqualified or under qualified.  About three months into my job search, things started to happen.  I’ll never forget the email from a networking colleague, “…thought you might be interested in this job.”  I read the posting and said to myself, “OMG this is ideal. I‘m perfect for this role.”  I took the job posting and literally dissected it piece by piece.  I drafted a cover letter that matched my own personal experience with each job requirement in a side-by-side comparison.   It took me a long time to complete the online application.  So long, that I timed out and had to complete it all over again!  I was determined to finish it, even with my husband calling out to me, “It’s getting late—hit the rack.”  It took me a while to finalize it to my satisfaction. I went to sleep that night satisfied and forgot about it.  I wasn’t expecting a call back.  The chances for a call back were slim, because the competition was the internet.

The next day I headed out for an appointment and my cell phone rang.  I didn’t recognize the number but I picked it up and answered professionally.  It was the company that I applied to, the previous night.  The recruiter asked me a few screening questions about my experience and salary requirements.  Then she asked if I was interested in coming in to meet with some of the staff.  I was so excited; you couldn’t take the smile off my face. 

Although it seemed promising, I continued my job search. In fact, I had worked hard and landed two other job opportunities. One possible job came through an online application and the other through a networking contact.  Both were good leads and resulted in phone and in-person interviews.  I was cautiously optimistic that one of the three positions would lead to something. 

Five months later and nine interviews with my ideal position with a prestigious company and I was offered a job.  YES! 

Experts say that on average it takes a year to find a job.  Again I consider myself lucky.  But you can increase your odds by keeping a positive attitude, making connections and having a plan that includes the following: 

ONE: Personal Brand – Develop your personal brand that you continue to refine and tweak, as necessary. 
a.    30-second commercial – also known as an elevator speech.  It’s a short statement that states who you are, your previous role, what you are best known for and your goals.
b.    Resumes (yes plural) – you should have a couple of versions depending on the skills/experience you want emphasize and the jobs you’re considering.
c.    Networking profiles – more general than a resume, a one-page summary that summarizes your skills, experience, industries and companies you’re targeting.
d.    Business cards – include your name, telephone, LinkedIn or other social media contact information, and a title (HR Professional, Project Manager, etc.)
e.    Cover letters –accompanies application, should be customized for each and every job you apply to.
f.    Thank you templates –follows interviews and should be customized based on the interview.
g.     Job references – three or four people you have worked with that can provide feedback on your skills and experience.  Make sure you include diverse reference, i.e., former peers, supervisors, senior management, external partners, etc.
h.    Presentations to be used in interviews – present samples of work or create a presentation of your skills. 
i.    LinkedIn profile – LinkedIn is a professional networking site. Your LinkedIn profile is very similar to your resume, just not as detailed.  Leverage social media, create a LinkedIn profile if you don’t have one and update it if you do.  Join groups and showcase your experience and skills by participating in-group discussions.  (Note: make sure your Facebook account is professional and respectful.)

TWO: Weekly schedule of meetings with network contacts (at least two a week), speaking events, networking groups, outplacement and/or unemployment seminars on resume writing, marketing plans, interviewing, salary negotiations, etc.  Share your 30-second commercial with new contacts, so they know what you’re interested in.
 
THREE: Target list of companies of interest.  Check online postings and leverage internal contacts. Make calls to industry leaders and meet with them, if local.

FOUR: Agencies/head hunters – Find out what agencies hire for your industry.  Get a reference from someone who has used them.  Then call and introduce yourself.  Be prepared with a list of questions prior to the call.  See if there any jobs available.  If not, at a minimum, share your experience and keep in touch.

FIVE: Exercise and Take time off to rest – Recognize that stress from being unemployed and/or looking for a new position can affect your search/plan.  Exercising and  “re-booting” allows you to clear your mind and think fresh.

SIX: Selective online postings – The internet is great for searching for jobs. But it is also great for your competition.  Your strategy shouldn’t be limited to online applications. If you do apply online, make sure you are highly qualified.  Make your cover letter count and your resume too.  If you need to reorder or revise your resume to highlight certain skills, then do it.

SEVEN: Job boards – Establish profiles on job boards or selective companies so you are alerted when a position with your requirements is posted.  Apply as soon as possible once again making your cover letter count.

EIGHT: Interview prep – Make sure you know as much as you can about the company, position and the persons who plan to interview you.  Leverage your contacts to learn as much as you can.  Be prepared to answer standard interview questions, to ask questions, to sell your personal brand, knowledge and skills.  Emphasize your value to an organization. Take notes.

NINE:  “Thank you’s”- Right after your interviews write your notes and decide what you want to include in your “thank you” letters.  Draft the letters immediately and send out within 24 is possible.  Email is acceptable. 

I learned to accept my circumstances, to appreciate the gifts and resources available to me and to achieve by landing that ideal job.

Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work?

By Carol Gonzalez

It’s senior year and things couldn’t be better.  You graduated.  You’re hanging out with your friends, going to the beach, vacationing, and having the best time of your life.  You have a great boyfriend, a looker and the envy of all your friends. He’s listens when you talk and most importantly, he gets along with your friends and family.  He’s perfect and your relationship is perfect except for one thing; he’s off to college in the fall. 

Many young couples will be experiencing a range of emotions this time of the year: excitement about meeting new people, living independently, discovering new things about themselves and campus life.  Yet, at the same time, the transition to college can be bittersweet as you leave the familiar and begin a new chapter in your life. Some relationship decisions will be easy to make but others will be difficult, especially those involving your first love.

What do you do if you are in an ongoing relationship?  Do you make a clean break and start fresh?  Or, would you embrace a long-distance relationship? 

Three women shared with me their personal experience and offered their perspective on this life transition.   

Brenda
Brenda maintained a long-distance relationship throughout college with her high school sweetheart.  She met her boyfriend in her junior year and was still serious with him when she went away to college.  Her boyfriend stayed at home and commuted to school.  They were both committed to making the relationship work.  Brenda says that “the commitment came natural.”  He was very supportive of her and neither of them was jealous.  They saw each other often and talked as much as possible.  (Theirs was a relationship before Smartphones and FaceBook, so it wasn’t as convenient as it is now to communicate.)  Yet, at times she was lonely when her boyfriend wasn’t around and she felt she was missing out on the “couples” experience. But, they made it through college and eventually married.  However, despite their lasting relationship throughout college, after more than a decade of being together (including six years of marriage) they divorced.

In hindsight Brenda realized that she that ignored some red flags in their relationship.  Their interests weren’t really aligned.   They had unique experiences and influences.  They had different views about what they wanted out of life.  She eventually understood that while she was growing, her boyfriend wasn’t.  Part of her knew, intuitively, that it wasn’t the right choice for her to marry, but she ignored it.  It wasn’t negative; it’s just that he wasn’t the right one for her.  She understands now that she didn’t know herself well enough then to realize that they weren’t truly compatible.  Her advice:  know yourself and don’t be afraid to trust your intuition.
Brenda will always be connected to her ex-husband because they have a daughter together.  They have a friendship, but just weren’t meant to be married. 

Sue
Sue met her sweetheart, a senior, during her junior year of high school.  She was “madly” in love.  When her boyfriend went away to college she was determined to make it work.  She wrote letters every day.  (Once again, this was before the techno revolution fully kicked in.)  They saw each other every other week.  He’d come down to visit her by car, train, or bus.  The following year, she went away to college and they’d take turns visiting each other.  That year was an even bigger transition for Sue because she was living away from home.  However, as time passed, she became more involved in social activities and college life

At the time she was satisfied in her relationship.  Their relationship lasted four years, and as each year passed they became distinctive individuals, developing different passions and interests.  The relationship took its natural course and they ended it on good terms. 

I asked Sue if she would have done things differently and she said no.  Sue believes her first long-distance relationship helped her to establish good social and communication skills.  Sue’s experience laid the foundation for a later long-distance relationship that resulted in her current marriage.  She is now very happily married with two children. 

Megan
Megan and her boyfriend started out as friends before they dated in high school.  She maintained a long-distance relationship with him throughout college, graduate school and they eventually married.  Megan and her then boyfriend chose together early on to make the relationship work, an important decision.  Although she believes her successful long-distance relationship may be the exception rather than the rule, she believes they can work. 

Megan’s circle of friends shared similar values and interests as her.  They weren’t looking for boyfriends, pressuring her to drink or hang out.  Also, her roommate was in a long-distance relationship.  Megan had her own personal telephone line, so she could talk to her boyfriend on a regular basis.   They IM’d each other and visited each other as often as possible. 

It’s not that Megan’s relationship didn’t have any challenges.  Megan’s experiences were different than her boyfriend’s because he commuted and she dormed during college.  She learned early on how to include him in her interests and activities.  She studied hard and was involved in student leadership activities.  At first her boyfriend was upset that she was so busy and didn’t have enough time for him.  But when he came out to visit, he experienced a bit of campus life and her involvement and he understood.  Still, it wasn’t always practical to see each other.  So they talked on the telephone. Megan noticed that at times they would argue over trivial things. ”If we went more than three weeks without seeing each other, we tended to start to get pretty snippy over the phone . . . we were fighting because we hadn't seen each other, not because we didn't love each other.”  Luckily they recognized this pattern and came up with a “three-week rule.”  If they started to argue over petty stuff, they immediately ended the conversation, similar to a toddler’s time out. 

By the time Megan was ready to go to graduate school their relationship had advanced enough to discuss marriage.  They had effectively navigated their long-distance relationship throughout college and Megan believes it helped her get through graduate school.

Megan points out that concerning relationships, “It’s not always going to be easy and it takes a lot of effort and work.  If you start to argue step back and ask why.  Think of ways to get involved with each other.  Tell the person about your day, even if it’s boring.  Trust is also very important. “

These women all chose to continue their relationships but had different experiences and outcomes.  And, even though Sue and Brenda’s relationships didn’t last, they still learned something valuable from the process.  It is common knowledge that relationships take a true commitment on both sides to succeed.  However, based on these stories, long-distance relationships require not only a commitment, but a plan. 

Below are some tips to help guide you through your transition, and to cultivate and manage your long-distance relationship.

1. Set the rules for your interaction:  
Communicate daily even if it’s a just an email or text message.  Consider sending MMS pictures of your day in class, studying in the library or attending a school event.  

2. Skype as often as you and your partner feel comfortable.  (Wish they had that back in the day.) 
Remain exclusive.  
Plan to visit each other (at least every 2-3 months if possible) and don’t cancel.  Of course things may come up, work / family emergencies, etc.  If your partner changes his mind because he partied all week and now has to work on a final project when you are suppose to visit, don’t ignore it.  Watch if a pattern persists and develop a plan on how to proceed.

3. Surprises: Discuss the possibility of surprise visits and take action.

4. Express your feelings: 
Let your partner know how you’re feeling, share your excitement about a grade you received or your disappointment that you can’t see him. And remember to listen too!  Communication is a two-way street.

5. Send “care” packages: 
The excitement one has when an unexpected package is delivered is sure to create fond, dear memories.  Gifts or care packages don’t have to be expensive; chocolate chip cookies, a video game or pictures are always winners.  What’s important is that you care enough to send something.  The more personalized the better. 

6. Trust: 
Mutual trust is key. This is critical to a long-distance relationship, to any relationship for that matter.  Without trust you will not be able to enjoy each other and the true intimacy a relationship can bring.  If there is no trust in your relationship (you’ll know if it’s there), you need to think about whether to change the relationship, or end it on good terms and move on.

7. Be creative: 
Think of unique ways to foster the relationship.  Go to the same movie at the same time and talk about it afterward.  Read the same book.  Create a scavenger hunt ultimately meeting together.  Let your new friends know about your boyfriend, don’t keep him a secret.  Continue to learn about your boyfriend. Make his passions, your passions and share them together and vice versa. 

8. Don’t assume: 
You know the old saying:  “when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.”  This old adage goes for long-distance relationships as well. Because you’re not together all the time, you will be relying on different communication techniques.  It will take some adjusting to figure out social cues and contexts.  In the past you could read the disappointment in his eyes or other body language, but now you’ll need to read it (if he writes well!) or listen to what he says or doesn’t say.  Don’t assume you know what’s going on.  Listen and process first before sharing your feelings. 

9. Re-evaluate the relationship/ the plan: 
Are you both happy with the relationship?  Do you see each other enough or too much?  Are you equally committed?  Does it seem like it’s too hard or everything is going fine?   Are you missing out on your own personal experiences and is this a problem for you?  Ask these questions and make adjustments to your plan that you can both agree on. 

Long-distance relationships can work.  Accept the challenge. Follow these tips to help guide you. Appreciate each other and the experience you will gain from it. Lastly, achieve a fulfilling relationship!   You’re worth it! 

Are you ready for your child to go to College?

College bound students and their parents are gearing up for the start of the academic year.  Parents are so busy with getting organized for the big day that they may not have thought about the moment they drop off their child at campus.

In last month’s article I interviewed several young women about their college experience and transition to the real world.  This month the focus is on mothers.  I spoke with several who shared with me their thoughts, experience and advice on how it felt to see their children leave the nest and head to college.   What was the process like? How did it feel when you dropped off your child and drove away for the first time? Was it any easier the second time around? 

The transition of having a child leave home to start their life as an adult is a unique experience for each family.  But what I learned from talking to these mothers was that despite the differences, each story had common themes. 

“First Timer” Chris

Chris home schooled her children.  Since Nate was young he had been involved in theatre, film and dance, so deciding to study drama was easy.  Figuring out which college to attend was the hard part. Nate asked his drama teacher for advice on schools (East coast vs. West coast) and decided on Pace University.  He flew out alone to New York City and after a successful audition he was accepted to Pace University. 

Chris’ first visit to Pace University was for Orientation.  I asked her if she was worried if this was the right choice for her son and if he could adjust to living 3,000 miles away from his family?  Did she have any financial concerns?  Her worries subsided after visiting Pace and seeing Nate’s excitement.  Nate also received a scholarship, which eased financial concerns.  He’s now working on a farm and making some extra money for school.  On their way home from New York after orientation, Nate was already thinking ahead and planning to set up an Improv Club when he returned to school in August. Like most parents, Chris knows that she will miss her son when he leaves for school.  But knowing that he will adjust well to his new life eases her worries.  Chris’ advice to parents is start teaching responsibility to your children when they are young.  Knowing that your child has become a responsible young adult lessens the anxieties when they leave home. 

"Experienced Mom" Maureen

Maureen has two daughters, Liz and Jackie, and she's very close with both of them. Liz successfully completed her first year of college and is getting ready for her sophomore year. Before the transition, to prepare herself, Maureen talked to other parents about their experiences. But, until you're in the car driving away after dropping off your child, you don't know what it's going to be like. Maureen recalled that "there was an eerie quietness in the car. "Don't look back," she told herself, holding back the tears. "Pulling away was the most difficult part (of the process)."

One month after Liz left for school, Maureen was still feeling her absence.  She described feeling lost.  Liz was the louder, more vocal daughter.  The house was much quieter with her away at school.  Jackie, the shy one, was also having a tough time adjusting to her sister’s absence while also attending a new high school.  She talked to her older sister every day.  Maureen realized she had to assert herself and focus on helping Jackie adjust to high school.

EXPERIENCED MOM’S 
ADVICE
    •    Understand each child is different and support their uniqueness
    •    Instill responsibility in your children at a young age
    •    Take advantage of school resources 
    •    Share strategies with other parents
    •    Encourage financial responsibility, monitor their spending
    •    Don’t get a credit card
    •    Have a check list when packing
    •    Take only summer clothes, bring winter clothes at Homecoming or pack/ship

"Empty Nester Mom" Linda

Linda jokes that it took about ten minutes to adjust when she and her husband dropped off their second child at the airport to start her freshman year at Harvey Mudd College.  “Finally, I could count on there being milk in the refrigerator when I got up in the morning! “

Both of her children were in accelerated programs.  Her son applied to the Naval Academy at Annapolis, and was wait-listed.  He had the grades and test scores, was an Eagle Scout, but never played a sport.  He applied to a “safety school,” the University of Washington, and enrolled in the fall in the Navy ROTC.  By February he got the call and was accepted into the Naval Academy.  

Because of the limited contact with Midshipmen during Plebe Summer at the Academy, Linda was grateful for her involvement with the Academy’s Parents Club.  Parents of Midshipmen can talk with other experienced parents and learn about what their children are going through.  At times Linda felt a bit paralyzed with fear wondering how her son was doing.  Many students never make it through Plebe Summer.  By August Linda was dying to see her son.  She did get to visit at the end of the summer.  During her visit, upper-class Midshipmen sang Christmas carols; the joke being that the next time Parents get to see their kids would be during the Holidays.

“Annapolis is nothing like a real college.  The kids are carefully chaperoned.  They don’t even have to do their own laundry,” says Linda.  While Linda knew her son was receiving a great education, she was still concerned about was his safety. Annapolis is a military institution after all.  It was pretty common for Midshipmen to come down hard on the Plebes.  Sometimes Linda would hear through the Parents Club or even the news that a training flight went down and you wonder if your child or someone you knew was involved. 

Linda’s daughter was a National Merit Scholar.  She was deluged with offers and scholarships.  It was an overwhelming experience for the parent of a high school senior.  Schools will often fly you out to come and visit their campuses.  One west coast University offered Linda’s daughter a lucrative scholarship.  But after her daughter came back from visiting the campus, Linda asked her how it was, but her response was lukewarm.  Her daughter had her heart set on Harvey Mudd, and ultimately she decided to go there.

Having been through this before, Linda was “ready” for her daughter to leave.  She was a little concerned about how she would get around school without a driver’s license, but was confident she would figure it out.  She kept in touch with her daughter through Facebook and email. 

 
EMPTY NESTER ADVICE
    •    Get your child to friend you on Facebook
    •    Sign up for Parent Clubs or parent communications to keep abreast of activities
    •    Set a time to call
    •    Try to go to parent’s weekend

Each of these stories had unique set of circumstances that defined them.  But each story has common threads from which we can learn from:  worrying about your children is natural; teach your children to be responsible from childhood;  don’t forget to focus on younger siblings who also may be in transition themselves and always keep the lines of communications open. 

Graduation Day, circa 1987

I remember sitting in the theater during commencement ceremonies at Hunter College with scores of my fellow graduates. I was so excited. But I have to admit it was a bit intimidating. I felt a little unsure of myself as I was about to enter a new world that was very different from what I was use to. It almost felt like being Freshman all over again.

I grew up in the suburbs of New York City, went to a Catholic School with a graduation class of less than 100; which was actually the largest graduating class of the school’s history! For my family, going to college was a big deal. I was the second person in my generation to attend higher education. Also, attending school in the Big Apple would require a huge adjustment. I moved to Queens to live with my very protective Sicilian Grandmother and Aunt, but spent the weekends at home in the ‘burbs to work. So, I commuted by bus and subway to college every day and took the train back “home”. It was a hectic schedule for a while. However, like many young, energetic teens, I adjusted.

The biggest transition for me was not so much the commute or hectic schedule, it was the size of the college and its location smack in the middle of largest city in the country. Coming from a secondary school where everyone knew your name, address and GPA, it took time for me to adjust to my new unknown surroundings. Talk about feeling lost in the Sahara! But something happened, while primarily focusing on my studies, I gradually began to establish relationships. Soon enough I had developed a social network at school and appreciated and learned all that the city had to offer. I developed a confidence that supported me throughout college and later as a young professional.

Fast forward to graduation day, I was uncertain of my future and wondered: Would I find a job? Where would I live? Would I be a good teacher? I eventually landed a job as a first grade teacher in the South Bronx. And, not surprisingly, I got the job through a contact. So I wondered if our recent graduates, the Millennial Generation, had similar experiences. Were you worried about getting a job, especially in this current environment? Did you question your confidence? What support system(s) did you rely on? What tools and resources did you utilize? What advice would you give to future grads?

I spoke to three recent graduates and their insight was quite revealing:

“Julie”

Julie had her heart set on going to the University of Texas. But she didn’t make it in. The university accepted the top 10%, she was in the top 12%. St. Edward’s offered her a scholarship and she accepted. She planned to go for one year and transfer. However, that never happened. She began to enjoy her classes, established relationships with her teachers and mentors, established roots in the community, and interned.

College was a process of self discovery for Julie. After her internship with a non-profit agency she realized that she could link her personal interests with her professional life. Her role was to market the mission of the agency, which was to preserve the river for recreation and water supply. As a fly fishing enthusiast, the river spoke to her. She was empowered by the experience and realized that in serving a purpose there is more to life than financial gain. She graduated with a BA in Communication, and gained a strong connection to the ideals of social responsibility.

Julie also credits her parents for her success, providing support and advice throughout college. Currently she is juggling an internship and two part time jobs, as 40 hours is a little daunting for her. This allows her to transition into a full time role. She lives with roommates, but her parents continue to provide some (financial) support, until she lands on her feet.

As far as advice for future grads, Julie emphasized the value of building contacts and solidifying your knowledge base in your area of interest. She found her internships and jobs through her contacts. Be persistent and realize that any job is an opportunity to build your presence in the professional community. Also, never burn bridges and have fun learning.

“Maria”

Maria always wanted to be an English teacher, but after speaking with other high school teachers she realized she didn’t want to be teaching others how to write, she wanted to write. So she majored in Journalism. After taking some classes, learning the difference between Journalism and Public Relations, and learning about herself, Maria decided to change majors and focus on Public Relations.

At college, Maria worked on campus all four years in the Office of Enrollment Management, sometimes juggling two jobs. She was busy, but it was fun because she was doing what she liked. Maria credits her success to planning. “I was always planning ahead.” Her planning secured internships every summer. Her parents were very supportive and would solicit actionable steps, i.e., to get an internship/job and in your major.

Currently, Maria has a full time internship working for an agency that she got through networking. From a time management point of view, it’s easier now than going to school because she doesn’t have to do homework. It is a little scary for her not knowing if the internship will lead to a position however she is optimistic and sees the position as a springboard to her next step. She’s living with a family member, which helps out financially and is a huge support.

Maria’s advice for future grads is to start as early as you can. Get an internship even if it’s in an area you’re unsure of, and you’ll be able to rule it out as a possible career. Continue to network and set goals for yourself.

“Jessica”

Jessica is middle child of three girls. She grew up in the suburbs of Boston and decided to go out of state for college. Deciding to go to Loyola in Maryland wasn’t difficult as they had a great reputation for business and a Lacrosse Club. However selecting a concentration proved very difficult. Should she choose finance or marketing? She decided on finance because there were more career options. Then the market tanked and she had second thoughts. In the end, she was satisfied with her choice and stuck with it.

The biggest adjustment for Jessica was living in Baltimore. Without the ‘T’ to get around, walking wasn’t an option. You needed a car or you took a bus. In fact, at the end of her Freshman year she wanted to leave. A valuable lesson she learned was that you need to give yourself time to adjust. She credits her mom and dad for supporting her through that time, helping her to understand the implications of leaving and starting over. And not surprisingly things started to fall into place. She got involved in the Lacrosse Club, she applied for Project Mexico, a program where students travel to Mexico to do community service and later got approved, and got accepted into the Business Honors Program, all of which solidified her decision to stay.

Jessica networked, but not as much as her friends and as a result her friends had more opportunities. But she started early in the job search process. It was stressful and difficult for her to deal with rejection. She found herself constantly monitoring her emails to see if companies replied to her applications or interviews. Ultimately she landed a position in a two-year rotational program through the college placement office. She is very excited, because it will allow her to experience different areas of finance. Her summer plans include vacationing in Manchester, moving in with two former college roommates and starting her new job in August.

Her advice to future grads is to start early, try to get a couple of interviews under your belt and build your confidence. Each of these recent grads had a different college experience and approach to handling their job search. They came with different personalities, interests and skills, yet all succeeded in transitioning and landing a job. But the one common thread or underlying theme shared by all of them was the power of networking: building contacts and establishing relationships. What held true back in 1987 when I graduated, still holds true today.

So to the upcoming College Graduating Class of 2011, what can you do now to prepare yourself for the transition?

• Focus on finding your passion or interests early in your college career. Participate in social activities related to these topics. If you can connect your passion to your professional pursuits, you’re golden!

• Start the job process early. If you apply the law of averages, the more applications you complete, the greater your chances are to get recognized and get an interview. Leverage your contacts from professors, to fellow students to colleagues you worked with during internships.

• Discover yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, interests and dislikes. Use what you learn to target your search.

• Leverage the college/university resources to write your customized cover letters, resumes, practice mock interviews, check job boards. You’ll develop a confidence and understanding of what you can bring to the table.

• Establish a LinkedIn account and start developing a professional online presence in your area and build your personal “brand.” LinkedIn has a great video tutorial for Grads getting started.

• If you haven’t started to network it’s not too late, begin now. Studies show that 75% of jobs are placed before they are even publically posted. While this statistic is alarming, you can take advantage of this reality by leveraging your network so you will know ahead of others when a position becomes available. Build relationships and contacts with former teachers, professors, school personnel, family, friends, professional associations, etc. Join or attend local trade group association mixers and social events. Remember networking is a two way street. By assisting others, you establish goodwill that very often comes back to benefit you down the road.

• Leverage social media. However, be careful what you post with Facebook and other similar sites because you must assume that job recruiters WILL Google and/or do a background check on you. You do not want a picture of you downing tequila shots surfacing during your job search. Develop your professional online presence through business-related sites such as LinkedIn or Plaxo. Use Twitter to research companies or industries, set Google alerts to keep up to date on industry trends or companies that you’re following.

• Take advantage of your generation’s technical know-how by leveraging the capabilities of devices such as iPads, iPhones, DROID phones and other technology during your job search (e.g., using your iPad to present statistics or a Powerpoint presentation during an interview).

• Be patient and solicit advice. Understand that this is a process and that there will be ups and downs. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of your professors, advisors, mentors, alumni, family and friends. Talk to grads that have gone through it. Get their advice.

Since my baby will be starting college in the fall, I would love to hear from parents about how the transition was for them. Join me next month as we explore this topic and get the parents perspective.

Please hand in your belongings and go to Personnel

My husband and I were very excited. We just bought our first house.  We had a little girl and life was good.  My husband’s career was moving on a successful trajectory.  I gave notice to my job in NYC and started looking in New Jersey.  I was confident in my abilities and landed a job fairly quickly.  It was five minutes from home and they even had an onsite daycare center!  I could visit my daughter during my lunch hour; which was very comforting for me as young mom who was reluctant to have strangers watch her daughter.

My daughter and I settled into a routine and she adjusted socially without any issues.  I was thinking how fortunate I was to have a job and my daughter doing so well.  But then she got sick, A LOT. She finally got the Chicken Pox and she had to be out of the center for at least 7-10 days until she was no longer contagious.  I freaked out.  I didn’t know anybody who could watch Allie and all our family lived in New York.   I had no choice but to call in sick where I used my sick days and then some.

I was a nervous wreck and concerned what my employer would think.  I went to work on the weekends, catching up on work.  I thought this was good, I was responsible, got the work done, and did it on my time.  WRONG.  I came to work on one Monday and I was asked to hand in my belongings!

I was initially shocked, upset, and then, just plain angry.  Why did this happen to me?

So, after some soul searching, I learned that I was ultimately responsible for what happened.  It was a humbling experience.  I was determined to learn from this.  There are a number of things I could have done differently.

• Listened to my inner voice, female intuition and acted on it.
• Contacted Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and spoke with a counselor that could coach me through a discussion with my manager or HR.
• Had a discussion with my manager or HR to discuss the situation, explain alternative solutions to getting the job done, and express concern about my absenteeism.
• Contacted a local municipality to see if they had any resources.
• Contacted a local church to see if they knew of anyone that watched children.
• Had emergency back-up care in place; Mom or Dad for the week.
• Had a support system of friends to guide me through, to give advice or to provide moral support aka networking!

This all makes sense now from the perspective of hindsight and experience.  I made the decisions that led to my firing based on who I was at the time. It’s hard to say whether or not these actions would have made a difference.  Back then, resources and advice for working parents were scarce and many employers weren’t quite supportive.  But the lesson learned is the act of seeking out advice and developing the support system.

What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? • Call your benefits department and find out what benefits / resources are available, in particular, EAP, Resource and Referral Agencies (R&R), and Emergency Back-Up Care.  EAPs have counselors that you can speak with in confidence and coach you.  R&R will do the research for you and find care in the area, if it’s available.  Emergency Back-Up Care is a service that provides care when your regular care falls through. • Tap into your support system of friends, family, coaches, mentors and ask for advice.  Chances are they know someone who has gone through it. • Ask the Identity experts!  Ask me! There are resources abound. • Talk to HR and try to come up with a solution together about how to address the problem. Maybe you can work from home temporarily or try an alternative schedule.  What other leave programs does your company have?  See if you’re eligible for the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) that guarantees time off up to 12 weeks to care for a family member.  There are state FMLA provisions that vary from state to state too. • Use your accrued time – some companies have Paid Time Off (PTO) banks of time with no restrictions on how and when to use the days. • Find a company that is family-friendly and found out how they support their employees. • Search the internet.  It is an amazing resource and at your fingertips.

So, you may say that these tips are all well  and good but how effective are they when we are in the worse economic downfall since the Depression?   Guess what?  These tips are fundamental and valid even in bad times. So, you may ask, do I risk rocking the boat by being so proactive??   Only you can answer that question.  Only you can determine what is important to you. If being in a company that is supportive, understands your value and respects you as a person is important, then you will seek companies with a similar culture.

I believe that it is important and that is why I consult with corporations on how to develop strategies and programs that support employees while saving money for employers. And in my free time I mentor women in their careers.  Ironically being fired was the best thing that ever happened to me for my career.  I developed a passion for work/life and made a profession out of it.  I learned to accept that I made a mistake, to appreciate that I could learn from it and to achieve by helping others along the way.

Our next topic will be on Career Transitions with this time of the year where millions are graduating.  I thought it would appropriate to highlight the transition from New Graduate to the Real World.