Take a Leap in Loving Yourself!

Being an aunt of over eight kids and being the youngest of seven, I understand how difficult it is making your identity a priority being a mother. Not only do I pay attention to my sister’s lifestyles, I have a ton of friends that have children. I know that your inner well-being, your looks, your physical health, your passions and simply your interests come after you have taken care of your children’s needs and if you’re married, even after your husbands needs.

I may not be a mother, but I know that you must find time in your day to love yourself and take care of yourself just as much as your family.  And I know you can do it! If you don’t, everyone suffers. So, the question is, how much do you want to love yourself? How much do you want to feel confidence, feel secure, happy, vibrant and alive?

For the past few years I have been the go-to resource for women to find and embrace their true identity.  I have a set of five questions, the Identity 5, that I provide in a workshop format.  I want to share question number 5 with you because it will give you a great starting point to take the leap in loving yourself.

How would you complete the sentence “I Love My…?” I want you to write down the first thing that comes to your mind.  Do not over think this at first.  So say to yourself now, ” I Love My…” and fill in the blank.

Now, I know from hundreds of women answering this question that nine out of 10 of you will have said that you love your family, life, husband, sister, everything but anything about yourself. Am I right? Go ahead, nod yes, it’s OK.

If you are that one who answered about yourself, whether it be physically or mentally about yourself, well done. You are ahead of the game, but can you take it further and deeper? Can you take it more frequently? Answer this question daily until you find more and more on what you love about yourself.

Now, if you were one of the nine that didn’t answer about yourself, then this is your homework.  Answer “I Love My…” about you and only you! It can be anything because there is no right or wrong answer and most importantly, no judgment.

Start now and finish the sentence each day.  If you can’t find anything, then you better start writing down what you want to love about yourself and make that your mission to be able to complete the sentence with at least one feature or quality about you.

Who will love you if you don’t love yourself? Take the leap in loving yourself today, not tomorrow.

Susan Vernicek – Founder & CEO

Helping Women Get All A’s in the Game of Life – Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.™

Identity Editorial Calendar:

Weekly: Every week, Identity releases 3 to 4 new articles!

Monthly: Every month I write my “BE” blog. Which is short for “Beautiful Everyday.” My articles are on my experiences, stories, etc. Also monthly is a new Most Wanted Product. After reviewing products and accepting that they are cool, fun, different, inspiring, etc., they are allowed to be featured in our Identity’s Most Wanted section. Check them out!

Quarterly: We initially started as a quarterly online magazine, so we kept our Q&A Expert section, Faithful Features section and our Horoscopes to be quarterly. So every June 1st, Sept. 1st, Dec. 1st and March 1st, these features will be new!

By Ellen Goldman

I’m sad…

I’m about to share something very personal with you.  I’m compelled to do so.

Family gatherings and parties are some of my very favorite moments in life. I am truly blessed to have a large family of folks who truly admire and enjoy each other.  During the holiday season, we get together often.

After a day surrounded by loving family and loads of great food, I usually return home feeling enormously grateful and happy.  But this last time, something happened and I came home sad.

Cuddling on the couch after dinner with my Mom, she sighed and said, “I can’t wait for all these holidays to be over so I can go back to my diet.  I really want to loose ten pounds this year.  I’m making it my 2012 New Year’s Resolution!”

What!  This is crazy talk.  You see, Mom is turning 91 next month (don’t you dare tell her I told you) and I cannot believe she is still obsessing over her weight.  I’ve been listening to this on and off for as long as I can possibly remember.

My mom was the original Weight Watcher’s kid.  She was always on or off her diet.  Either being “bad” or “good” depending on what the number on the scale said that morning. It was exhausting to listen to, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for her.

I’m quite sure being exposed to this while growing up influenced my choice of careers, although I don’t think I realized that for many years to come.  But what I did realize was there had to be a better way to go through life.  I was not going to spend mine on and off diets, measuring my foods, feeling good about myself one day, and bad the next depending on my food choices.  Or shopping for clothing that “don’t make me look fat.”

And although I figured out a lifestyle that helps me maintain a healthy body weight, and I never go on a diet, Mom did not.  Clearly the extra pounds haven’t affected her longevity.  A few extra pounds don’t affect health as much as some perceive it to.  But what about the stress, the hardships it’s caused her and the emotional lost time?

Now don’t get me wrong…my mother is one of the most optimistic, energetic and dynamic woman you could ever meet.  But it saddens me to think about what this has cost her- stress, emotional energy, decreased self-esteem, aching knees and bad back due to the excess weight, not to mention the cost of the many diet programs and special foods purchased over the years.  More than anything, the thought of all those wasted moments of distress despite the smile she always shows the outside world   To think that those extra pounds could stand in the way of her seeing the totally amazing person she is!  Augh, it makes me want to scream.

Is this a story you can relate to?  Have you been struggling to take off weight, whether ten pounds or a hundred, living your life “on or off” a diet?  If you’ve been living the life of diet, and that’s your solution, you’ll be 91 and still obsessing over what you ate at Thanksgiving dinner.

After working with thousands of clients and hearing stories that sounded way to similar to Mom’s, I knew that something in this environment is making it really hard for people to stay slender, and the solution is not another diet.  That’s just a temporary band-aid, but it’s not fixing the problem.  See the extra pounds aren’t the problem, they are the symptom.  The problem is a lifestyle that’s out of line with keeping a healthy body weight.

Ironically, I haven’t been able to help Mom, but I’ve helped a lot of other people through my one on one coaching.  I’ve changed my own life because of this, and I’ve changed other people’s lives.

The New Year has started, and I know that way too many people put weight loss on their list of New Year’s resolutions yet again. Are you one of them? I think that’s a mistake.  Rather than make a resolution, change your approach and make a plan!

Since that get together, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of how to reach way more than just my private coaching clients.  It has become my mission to teach as many people who I can, that going on a diet is not the answer, and it usually makes things worse!

If you want to lose weight and keep it off once and for all, you must give up the idea of finding the perfect diet.  Instead, begin to replace the idea of weight loss with eating for health and happiness.  Eat often and eat light.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied. Enjoy the foods that you know promote health and well-being, and keep sweets and junk food as an occasional indulgence, not a daily occurrence. Food is fuel, not a cure for boredom, anger, stress or loneliness.

Get clear on why it is important for you to take off the extra pounds.  Think about how carrying around the excess weight has been weighing you down not just physically, but emotionally.  Being relieved of the emotional burden, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and being able to have a normal relationship with food is a lot more motivating than fitting into skinny jeans.

Do the foundational work needed to achieve permanent weight loss before trying to change your food intake.  Determine your compelling motivators for change, explore your commitment and confidence level, prepare your environment and get support.  Permanent weight loss and a healthy relationship with food is possible, and worth striving for.  The answer is inside your heart, not inside the latest diet book, magic pill or drink.  You can do this, and I would love to help you.

Ellen Goldman created EnerG Coaching, LLC, to help people struggling with issues such as weight loss, stress management, getting in shape, life satisfaction, and other health related problems that can be affected by lifestyle changes. For information on her group coaching program, Mastering the Inner Game of Weight Loss, starting soon, or private coaching with Ellen,  please contact her at 973-535-8891 or ellen@EnerGcoaching.com

By Ellen G. Goldman, M.Ed.

Did you ever notice that when life is going along smoothly, we feel accomplished and pleased at the end of the day?  We are taking care of all that needs to be done, and moving forward towards our goals.  Whether it’s career advancement, weight loss, or building a new home, as long as there are no huge bumps in the road, we easily stay on track.

I took a break from writing articles during the past few months, lightened my client load and truly enjoyed the extra free time.  I was gearing up for the fall, excited to get working on some business and personal goals, when those unexpected bumps occurred.

Discomfort from a pinched nerve caused me to feel distracted and unfocused.  Visits to the chiropractor and rehab were time consuming. Just when I began feeling better, Hurricane Irene paid us an uninvited visit and flooded my basement.  Our basement housed my exercise studio, a home office, family room and guest room. The loss of it left us feeling displaced and overwhelmed.

Recovery, construction workers, insurance adjusters, clean up crews and contractors were demanding of my time and attention.  We had months of rebuilding in front of us and I had an unexpected job on my hands.

After weeks of attending to all of this, my business was being neglected, and I was lacking the motivation to get back to the things I normally do to keep it thriving. I didn’t like that feeling!

So I took some time and went through the steps I use to help my clients when they lose focus and desire.  It feels really good to be back on track, and I’m excited to share some ideas to recharge your motivation the next time you see it wavering.

    1.     Self-care first.  When life throws you a curveball, leaving you feeling overwhelmed, stressed and unfocused, don’t let self care slip.  Getting the sleep you need, eating healthily and exercising regularly will keep you feeling strong and in control.  No matter what was going on, my doctor’s appointments and daily exercise were planned first in my schedule.  A few lunch dates out with my girlfriends lifted my mood and kept my spirits high.

    2.     Look for the silver lining.  What is the lesson to be learned from your current situation?  What possibilities and promises might lie ahead?  The flood in our basement will mean a new paint job, something I’ve been procrastinating for a long time.  It feels good to clean out items that we no longer need.  And finding things long forgotten, such as my kid’s old camp letters, left us rolling in laughter.

    3.     Adopt an attitude of gratitude.  When my pinched nerve had me uncomfortable and frustrated, I reminded myself to be grateful that this is an acute injury, not a permanent disability, and it will eventually get better.  Overall, I am healthy and well. The flood in the basement was upsetting, but I am keenly aware of how many others suffered much worse damage. In nearby towns, people lost their homes and precious mementos. Many businesses had to shut down, and were subjected to a loss of income.  We are actually one of the lucky ones.

 4.     Wherever possible, simplify.  Ask yourself what must get done, and let go, even if only temporarily, of the rest of your to-do’s.  Meeting with my clients and showing up for speaking obligations was non-negotiable (and actually helped keep my sanity).  Waiting one more month to publish any new articles and delaying the promotion of a new group program wasn’t a big deal for my business.

    5.     Reexamine your visions and motivators.  Ask yourself why you set your goals in the first place.  What is the meaning and purpose behind them?  What will it mean to you to accomplish them?  Reviewing my business mission and goals reignited my passion and excitement.

    6.     Take one small step at a time.  Once you begin to feel the desire to get back on track, ask yourself what is the one small step you can take right now to begin the process.  Schedule it and commit to it.  Getting back to writing was my first step.  I planned time to create an outline, then my intro, and then another time to write the tips.  And here you go; I’m back on track and I hope it will help you the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed and derailed.

By Dava Krause

Guys go to strip clubs because it turns them on. I get it. But when I went to a male strip club I wasn’t turned on. I was hysterical. I swear I never laughed so hard.  It wasn’t sexy, it was hilarious. Foreplay for me is not some creepily over-cut, greased -up monkey wagging his waxed balls in my face. Foreplay for me is all about flattery. Oh yeah, compliment my brains out.

“You’re gorgeous. I came over here because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”  That’s my version of a lap dance.

Unfortunately, my husband is not the most generous with positive feedback. That’s my nice way of saying I practically have to beg for a compliment. I recently bought these super hot four-inch open-toe heels. I thought for sure he would say something. Oh, he did.  He was like, “You don’t know how to walk without falling down in regular shoes, how are you supposed to walk in those?” “Don’t you think they make my legs look sexy?” I said. “Not when they’re cut up and bleeding after you’ve wiped out and fell on your ass.”

Last weekend when I went to my college reunion I was surrounded by a gaggle of gays from my acting class and I got my fix. As I was packing, I consciously picked my hottest jeans, my cutest tops and my most fabulous bags because I knew they’d be notice. At this point, for my husband I’d throw on some make-up. But for my gay boyfriends? I got a Brazilian Blown Out.

I’ve heard people say that women don’t dress to impress men but rather dress to impress other women. I don’t know if that’s true. I find it difficult to compliment another woman without feeling jealous or competitive and often a comment like, “have you lost weight?” is followed by a silent “bitch” to oneself.

Was there a shortage of Cavemen in ancient times so all the cave women in the village had to cut other women down to get a date and this impulse has been passed down in our human DNA?  Or is it our current culture that somehow makes us women think, “Your beauty, wealthy, success and achievement takes away from mine?”

I don’t have an answer, but I want to stop all that here and now. And I don’t want to wait for the new year to make the change. I want to start TODAY and recognize the greatness and beauty of other women. I want the greatness and beauty of others to push me to achieve my personal best. I want it to turn me on. Not in a sexual way, but in an inspirational way.  A regenerative way. An expansive way. A way in which I can spark and be sparked. Grow and facilitate growth. Let’s get impressed with ourselves. And if there’s time, a really good Brazilian blow out can feel pretty good too.

Over the next several issues of Identity, let’s take a different approach to better understanding our emotions. I’d like to tell you about a book that really helped me get a grasp on how I feel and why. It’s called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In the last Emotion Commotion column, we discussed my favorite (and second) agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements – “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” Now we are going to start at the beginning, with the first agreement, which is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” 

That agreement sounds pretty straight forward, right? Basically, say what you mean, mean what you say. Is that part of what this agreement stands for? Yes. But, let’s take a deeper look at it.

Don Miguel Ruiz says this agreement “is the most important one and also the most difficult one to honor.” Ruiz also says, “Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.”

Ruiz also believes that the word is not just a sound or a written symbol; it is a force and a power. Think about it. What we think (words) affects how we feel and how we feel affects our behavior (which really is our force and our power). Words are powerful and are more than just a sequence of vowels and consonants, verbs and nouns.

In The Four Agreements book, Ruiz uses Hitler as an extreme example of how powerful words are and how they can negatively influence and captivate others. By using his words, Hitler created fear and that fear manipulated an entire country and convinced people to commit the most appalling acts of violence.

Think of how the words of others have manipulated you and your beliefs. If, at a young age, someone told you that you were ugly or stupid, you believed them – accepted their opinion as your truth. So, you go through life thinking you are ugly and thinking you are stupid. Ruiz says, “By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse.”

This is why it’s important that we do our best to be impeccable with our word. Our word affects everyone – our self included. Impeccable means “without sin.” Although sin has religious connotation, a sin is also, according to Ruiz, anything you do which goes against yourself. In order to be impeccable with your word, you must not use your word – your power – against yourself and your beliefs (negative self talk). While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, do so without blaming or judging yourself.

We misuse our word more so than not. We use our words to create chaos, to blame, to express anger and jealousy. Our words can divide families, people – even nations. Whenever we hear an opinion and we believe it, we make an agreement and it becomes part of our belief system. That’s why it’s important to recognize that the opinions of others are not necessarily your truth. They only become your truth if you let it.

If you tell yourself things like “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly” or “I’m not enough” you’re using your word to hurt yourself. If you change your self talk to being impeccable (not going against yourself), not only will how you treat yourself change, how you treat others will change as well.

If you feel negative about yourself, perhaps your ego propels you to speak negatively about someone you really care about (in order to make yourself – your ego – feel better). All you are doing is using your word to create unnecessary drama and hurt. If you choose to be impeccable with your word, you will cleanse your mind from the emotional poison that eats away at your soul and eventually gets projected onto your personal relationships.

Ruiz says, “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.”

As children we all sang the tune, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” As children, that was a creative and “fun” tactic to use to preserve our developing egos. As adults, we’ve learned all too well that words can and do hurt.

It takes a lot of practice and perseverance to not be affected by others’ words. And Ruiz believes that in order to do that, we must each be impeccable with our word. We each need to choose to use words based on love (positive, affirming words) and not on fear (negative, loathing words). If you are able to choose this for yourself, it will help you become immune to the fear-based words of others.

Impeccability and change start with you.

In the next issue, we’ll examine the third agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.

By Joann DiFabio-Klinkner

Not sure what to do with your pumpkins once Halloween is over? Cut ‘em open and take advantage of those hundreds of slimy but nutritious seeds inside! With a variety of ways to enjoy these little pepitas, you’ll want to keep them around all year long.

Pumpkin seeds are flat, dark green seeds that live inside the hollow cavity of pumpkins, a member of the gourd family. The seeds of the jack-o-lantern-type pumpkins are typically found encased in a pale yellow husk, but once cracked open, reveal the green seed inside. However, some varieties of pumpkins do not have this same husk around their seeds.

The phytosterols found in pumpkin seeds may help lower cholesterol. Phytosterols are compounds found in plants that have a similar structure to cholesterol. When foods containing these phytosterols are added to the diet in sufficient amounts, they are believed to reduce blood levels of cholesterol, enhance the immune system, and reduce the risk of certain cancers. As a matter of fact, the phytosterols found in seeds such as pumpkin, sunflower, and sesame are so desirable that they are often extracted from the oils and added to “butter alternative” products that then tout the claim of being a food that lowers cholesterol.

Want to reduce arthritic inflammation? Snack on pumpkin seeds. The anti-inflammatory benefits of the addition of pumpkin seeds in the diets of animals has been compared to the non-steroidal drug indomethacin that is currently being used to treat patients with arthritis. The only difference is that pumpkin seeds don’t have the same negative side effect as indomethacin: damaged fats in the linings of the joints, which actually contributes to the progression of arthritis. Seems counter-productive for a drug that reduced arthritic inflammation, doesn’t it?

Pumpkin seeds are also a very good source of zinc, a mineral linked to healthy immune function. They are also considered a very good source of other minerals such as manganese, magnesium, iron, copper, and protein, all necessary minerals for a healthy diet.

Looking for some quick and easy ways to enjoy these wonder seeds? You can stick with fall tradition and roast them with some sea salt and pepper. Remove the seeds from the pulp and lay them on a paper towel or paper bag to dry overnight. Place them on a cookie sheet and lightly season them, then roast at a low temperature (160°-170°F) for about 10-15 minutes. Roasting at a low temp for a short period of time will help preserve the healthy oils.

Since pumpkin seeds are readily available year-round in grocery and health food stores, you can grab a bag and sprinkle them on whatever you like, including salads and cereal. Add them to hearty oatmeal cookie or granola recipes, or incorporate them into your next batch of homemade veggie burgers and enjoy!

By Jodi Ciampa

Motherhood has a way of making you feel not “Normal.”

Even if you don’t develop signs of pre or post partum depression, you may still have negative thoughts during pregnancy and after, and this is totally normal.  During my first pregnancy, I remember feeling if I woke and my belly was gone, it wouldn’t bother me or if someone told me my delivery was a dream, I wouldn’t care.  It was so surreal.  With my second, even after it was confirmed by my obstetrician, I took six pregnancy tests because I didn’t believe it was true.  Well, if you’ve ever felt this way, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It is normal to not feel an immediate bond with your child.  It is normal when the novelty of having a newborn wears off and you are so sleep deprived you feel as if you don’t want it anymore.  It is normal to feel neglected or cry because you feel out of control for no reason.  It is normal to not like your kids or not want to play with them because there are a million other things to do.  It is normal to get angry and blow up once in a while, because sometimes they deserve it.   It is normal to feel lonely because you have “no one” to talk to.  It is normal to clean your house in pieces.   It is normal to have no time to take a shower.  It is normal to feel disoriented and forget what you are doing before you even do it.   It is normal to not want to have sex with your husband (even if he doesn’t think so), and it is normal to feel resentment towards him because it seems as if the weight of the world is on you.

Don’t beat yourself up.  My friend’s mother told me, “You make all your mistakes with your first.” and a father of six said, “You are the best parent with your last.”  Accept it, learn from it and move on.  Nothing can be perfect all the time in time, it does get easier.  When you get acclimated to having a baby, life will find a “new” normal.

In the meantime, help yourself feel normal again.  Don’t be a martyr.  Ask for assistance.  Whether it’s from your husband, mother, sister, brother or friend – it doesn’t make you incapable; it makes you human.  With my son, I wanted to do it all and definitely thought I could, and therefore did.  I never wanted him to leave my side.

I did nothing for myself and became bitter and angry, which caused me and my husband to argue a lot, on top of all the “new parenting” disagreements.  Once we had our daughter, I realized I couldn’t do it all and trying wasn’t fair to me, my husband or my children.  I made my husband the enemy because I felt his life hadn’t changed a bit.  So I began asking for help.  I now leave the children at home, if possible, and put myself first once in a while (a small while, but it does make a difference).  I still feel as if the scale is tipped a bit (and probably always will), but I know I can get help when I really need it.

Another way to feel normal is to find someone you can share your feelings with.  Your husband could and should be a sounding board, but he cannot be completely sympathetic because he cannot relate.  If you are a working mom, whether it is part time or full time, talk with women who have children.  If you are a stay at home mom, join a support group, gym, social network or just go to dinner with friends.  Get involved and connected with something you enjoy.  I joined a group called “After Baby Comes,” ABC for short, when my first was 17-months-old.  The original motive was to get my son exposed to playing with other children but the bonus was I met many women, some from my own town, whose children were around the same age as mine.  From there, I learned a lot about myself – that I was not alone in the way I was feeling.  It made me feel normal.

So don’t sit back and suffer thinking you are wrong in the way you feel.  Reach out.  Only YOU can make a difference in your life.  My friend use to tell me how much better she liked her family after a little “break.”   You’ll be a healthier mother for it and be surprised how many other mothers have similar or the same feelings as you and, they too, are totally NORMAL.

Jodi has set a goal to write a book and is on her path to achieving it!  Please visit her new blog at www.jodiciampa.com.

Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  Do you think it’s strange that a guy I just met, lives an hour plus away and is now looking at places to live in my area? I didn’t ask him and we’ve been on two dates. Should I be worried he may be clingy? – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Before you become worried, ask him why he’s decided to move to your area. If you don’t ask, he won’t tell. It could be for work or for a better commute and everyday lifestyle. He may have been planning the move before he even met you. Unless he’s moving to your block and has indicated that it is to be closer to you, than I don’t see any worries. If you’re worried that he may be clingy, just be sure to limit the time you spend with him for now. However, when you are with him genuinely get to know him. Take things slow and maintain your own life (always).

QUESTION: How do you tell your boyfriend that you want to be intimate more often? I don’t want to put him down, but I want it more, and he doesn’t put the moves on enough! – Anonymous

ANSWER:

Great question! The best way to avoid intimidating a man about sex is to entertain him with sex.

Stop being a lady waiting to get laid and just put the moves on your man. Entice him by telling him how much you want him while touching him (instead of complaining about lack of sex). As I mentioned, he’ll be too turned on (entertained) to be intimidated.

QUESTION: When is too soon to move in with the guy you are dating? – Kelly 29, NJ

ANSWER:

First and foremost, I do not advise you to move in with a guy that you are “dating.” “Dating” is the period of time you should take to get to know the guy you’re interested in. You need to do this from separate homes and on dates with him. Before you consider such a serious commitment to change your lifestyle, the man you plan on moving in with should be in a mutually committed relationship (with you) or be your fiancée.

In other words, too soon is when there is no serious mutual commitment between you and the guy you are dating, coupled with a lack of sufficient time to get to know each other (and meet each other’s families). I recommend that you spend at least a year and a half doing this in order to be sure. After all, when you decide to move in with a man, you are taking your fabulous self off the market, so it is best to be sure that he doesn’t want to just “play house” instead of creating a real future together.

QUESTION: Do you have some key signs on how to know if your man is cheating on you? – Yvette 32, NY

ANSWER:

Good question. If you haven’t established trust in your relationship you will always be suspicious of your partner. Some signs of cheating are when your partner starts to change his routine while becoming secretive about his whereabouts, who he is spending time with and his phone calls. Also, if he has a lack of interest in your life and spending time with you. These signs can be a hint that he is hiding another lifestyle or relationship(s) from you.

Overall, it is important to understand that before jumping to any conclusions, be sure to have a heart to heart talk with your partner about the current state of your relationship. Ask him why he has been so distant and secretive. Rememeber to ask him if he is dating or having sex with another person. I know that the truth can hurt for a moment, but it can save you a lifetime of pain.

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Typically this section serves to decode the complicated and confusing ingredients found in food products. We’re going to take a different approach in this edition and explore an ingredient found in many health and beauty aids (HABAs). After all, it’s just as important to know what you’re putting on your body as it is to know what you’re putting in your body.

I recently picked up my bottle of cocoa butter body lotion and really took a look at the list of ingredients. Right out of the gate I thought the ingredients were crystal clear and made absolute sense. I understood what every word meant…until I got about halfway through and discovered dimethicone (among others). I thought, “What is this weird ingredient doing on this list of seemingly natural ingredients?” Surely something as pure and simple as cocoa butter would have a perfectly good excuse for containing something so obscure and scientific-sounding.

Dimethicone, or otherwise known as polydimethylsiloxane, is a silicone-based polymer. What the heck does that mean? Let’s start at the root. Silicon is a naturally occurring element. Silicone (with an “e”) is a polymer made up of silicon, oxygen, hydrogen, and carbon that combine during a chemical process. A polymer is a large molecule that is composed of smaller molecules that are repeated, creating a molecular chain. So basically, dimethicone is a very complex polymer.

Silicones are often found in products such as detangling shampoo, conditioner, and hair gel for their smoothing and anti-frizz properties. When dimethicone is added to skin care products, it basically acts as a “sealant” to lock moisture into the skin. But because of this quality, dimethicone can lead to certain skin irritations. Infections can occur because the skin is not able to breathe and cleanse itself of toxins through sweat. Severe side effects can include hives, respiratory problems, and swelling of the mouth or face. Although the FDA has approved dimethicone to be used in cosmetic products as an emollient, pregnant or breast-feeding women are advised to consult their doctor before using products with dimethicone.

By Reverend  Mattie

What’s the groom really thinking about wedding planning? Here is a cheat sheet to reading his mind and simultaneously deciphering what he is saying. For many a smart plugged-in groom, the wedding planning process is a minefield of peculiar customs, first-time-I-heard-about-this etiquette, and strange tension.

“Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll take care of it.”

Unless your groom has been sneaking peeks at your bridal magazines, he likely does not know what he could be responsible for after hunting down the ring and proposing.

It is an honest question, and clears the way for a discussion rather than a rapid fire directive.
Will there be a honeymoon? Do you and your groom need a pressure-free getaway after months of relentless wedding planning?

Some grooms are eager to arrange for a getaway trip you’ll both love. Others see no need for a vacation after spending so much money on a wedding. If this is your groom and you long to get away, ask a trusted married male friend or relative to bring up the topic. A casual conversation might be just the ticket to share a laid-back paradise. A more direct option is to tear out an article and go over it together for ideas and on-point chat.

“My friends aren’t D-listers.”

While you love your groom, maybe you are not so wild about a few of his friends. He will notice and be irritated if you insist on burying them next to the food service entrance. Start the seating process by assigning the best seats to close family and attendants. Remember that the reception venue will put numbers randomly on the tables. If you want certain tables to be the best seats, draw a floor plan and give it to the reception coordinator responsible for your wedding. Have a trusted friend or relative check on the table number placement. Putting a table of the groom’s friends toward the back is easier to agree to if a table of your friends is in proximity.

“I like how you look without makeup.”

If there is a bride on the face of the Earth who does not want to look her best on her wedding day, please identify yourself. What the groom is really saying is that he wants to recognize you as the woman he fell in love with as you proceed to the wedding ceremony space. Choosing heavy make-up, tortured hair and accessories that pull focus from you is risky at best. Wedding day looks chosen to enhance your distinctive style and features take you from neutral to naturally looking your very best in person, photos and video.

“I have no idea. You pick.”

Many a groom has little interest in matching or contrasting table linens. A clue is the vacant look in his eyes as he blankly scans his handheld device. Try narrowing the choice and be more specific. For example, I like this flower and this flower. Which one do you like? He is more likely to give you a direct response. For many a groom these types of aesthetic choices are foreign territory. Rather than disinterest, your groom may be communicating his trust in your judgement. Plus, he may be trying to de-stress himself.

“I’m not wearing a bow tie.”

Think he will look his most handsome in a classic tuxedo? Arrange an appointment at a formal wear firm to look over possibilities. Chat about the wedding style, time, location, and so on. Allow your groom to choose his own attire. An experienced salesperson can suggest attire that will look best on him, and not look dated in photos. An experienced tailor insures the fit of the formal wear or suit to flatter the groom while being comfortable at the same time.

“Of course I was listening.”

Actually, he really wasn’t listening. The two of you have been wedding planning for months and months. It’s not fresh to him anymore. And by the way, at this point it is inconceivable to him that there are still more things to decide about the wedding.

Instead of being whipsawed by wedding planning, you can accept the realities of the process, appreciate the complexity of the event, and set in motion the actions essential to achieve a wedding day perfect for you.

Reverend Mattie has guided brides from 30 states and two continents to perfect wedding days as the former owner of a successful wedding planning firm. In demand as an ordained nondenominational minister, officiant and celebrant, she is known for custom wedding ceremonies performed legally for all beliefs, all traditions, all locations throughout New Jersey, New York and eastern Pennsylvania. Reach Reverend Mattie today.

Copyright 2011 Reverend Mattie all rights reserved.