What is love and what is lust?

Typically in this column, one emotion is studied. This issue, let’s delve into the love vs. lust phenomena.

Searching ‘love‘ on dictionary.com provides 28 definitions for this one word! We all know the feeling of love is complicated, and even the definition isn’t a simple one.  Some definitions of love include: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; sexual passion or desire; to need or require, benefit greatly from; to hug and cuddle; to embrace and kiss, to engage in sexual activity; and a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

Lust, on the other hand, produces seven definitions on dictionary.com, which include: intense sexual desire or appetite; a passionate or overmastering desire or craving; and to have a yearning or desire.

Probably not shocking that lust is easier defined than love. Lust is superficial, temporary, so of course it’s ‘easy come, easy go.’ Love on the other hand…hard to come by, hard to let go of (sometimes).

I asked a few friends for their initial reaction of love vs. lust. Just like dictionary.com’s definitions, my friends categorized lust as ‘simpler’ and love as ‘more complicated.’ Here are some of their (often amusing) responses:

“Lust is better. Relationships are a freakin’ headache.”

“Lust is soooo much better when love is involved. Although, lusty one night stands are fun because you can be uninhibited and never have to see him/her again. Well, unless you see them out…then it could be awkward.”



“Both can be good depending on the mood.”

“You lust someone before you learn to love that someone.”



“Lust is instant. Love takes time to grow.”

“Lust is an urge, love is an emotion.”

“Lust is all play and love is all work.”

“Lust is temporary. It is a wonderful, passionate feeling that keeps you wanting more at the moment but never lasts. Love can be similar but yet so different. Love is also a wonderful, passionate feeling. Love is different in the sense that it feels like more of a comforting sense of eternal happiness, security, and euphoria.

“Lust is not a $250,000 divorce.”

From a physiological standpoint, the intense falling in love feeling is often associated with dopamine, which is associated with reward and reinforcement. If the relationship evolves into long-term then a maternal type love is engaged—which is related to the areas of the brain with oxytocin, the bonding hormone.

As a matter of fact, love can have you so infatuated with someone else that your brain filters out any negatives (a.k.a., red flags). Some studies have shown that the parts of the brain that normally judge human behavior get dimmed when falling in love.

What is Love

Love is a connection. Lust is a craving. Love is expecting nothing in return. Lust is all about what you can get in return. Love is a sense unity. Lust is an intense yearning for self gratification. Love sustains with communication and commitment. Lust sustains on sex. Love is about compatibility. Lust is strictly about physical chemistry.

Lust vs. love. Instant gratification vs. building a nurturing relationship. Which do you desire?

Over the next several issues of Identity, let’s take a different approach to better understand our emotions. I’d like to tell you about a book that really helped me get a grasp on how I feel and why. It’s called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Last time, we spoke of the first agreement in The Four Agreements book by Don Miguel Ruiz, “Be Impeccable With Your Word”, and before that we spoke of my personal favorite (and the second agreement), “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”

Understand the Third Agreement

Now let’s examine and understand the third agreement, “Don’t Make Assumptions.” 

Don’t we all do that? Make assumptions. Whether we make assumptions about what a person meant by what they said or what a person meant by what they did – if we don’t ask for clarification, we make assumptions. I know I’ve been guilty of making assumptions!

The scary thing about making assumptions is that it can lead to creating unnecessary drama. As Ruiz says, “The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking, we take it personally, and then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.”

That emotional poison Ruiz speaks of is otherwise known as gossip. We then feel the need to justify and explain our feelings about a particular person or circumstance, so we go around and tell our friends our perception (which is really based on assumptions) of that particular person or circumstance. Many people are afraid to ask for clarification, which only fuels our assumptions leading us to really, truly believe they are the truth.

Often times, we see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear—we dream things up in our imagination. Think about it. Has there been a time when, for example, a friend has said or done something that hurt your feelings and instead of asking that friend for clarification, you dream up in your mind an entire scenario about why your friend said or did whatever? You play the whole thing out in your mind! But, if you chose to ask that friend some questions to better understand him or her, you would avoid having that angry and/or upsetting confrontation “in your head.” You may even discover that reality is much less dramatic.

Several years ago a co-worker said to me, “Girl, I’m brave…when I’m talking to myself!” In other words, she was saying that when she would “dream up” in her mind how a confrontation would go down, she was brave and strong-willed, but when it came down to actually confronting someone, she’d chicken out. We are all guilty of it…being so direct and brave in our minds when it comes to talking with someone about an offense or hurt feelings. But, when it comes down to actually having said conversation with the other person, often times we convince ourselves not to go through with it – staying pissed off and making assumptions is much easier.

Understand the Exceptions

Now of course, there are exceptions to every rule. Not every friend is easily questioned. It’s been my experience that certain friends, no matter how politely you ask for clarification, will get defensive and the conversation does end up becoming unnecessarily drama filled. But, that’s when the prior two agreements come into play: don’t take anything personally and be impeccable with your word. If you don’t take anything personally, you’ll be able to realize that your friend’s defensiveness is about him or her, not you. If you are impeccable with your word, you will choose to “confront” your friend by using non-accusing words that focus on strengthening your relationship, not breaking it down. You are in control of how you approach the conversation, how your friend reacts is not in your control.

 Ruiz also explains that we make the assumption that everyone sees life as we do. Ruiz says, “We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse.” He also says that this is why making assumptions can be so damaging to relationships. When your boyfriend or husband doesn’t do what you thought they would, you think “he should have known better” or “if he loves me, he would know what I want or how I feel.”

Ruiz also addresses the assumption that many have in romantic relationships, “My love will change this person.” He says that often times when entering into a relationship you will justify why you like the person because you only see what you want to see and deny there are things you don’t like about that person. Then when you get hurt, you suddenly see what you didn’t want to see before—and now you blame the other person for your choices.  Real love, says Ruiz, is accepting people the way they are without trying to change them. If you try to change someone, you don’t really like who they are. Be who you are and let others be who they are—don’t present a false image.

In my opinion, the key to not making assumptions boils down to three C’s: courage, clarity, and communication. We need to have the courage to ask questions so that we can have clarity regarding what was said or done, in turn, opening up lines of communication. When you clearly and directly communicate, there’s no room for assumptions to be made.

Unfortunately, this is not how most humans interact. Most of us choose to, well, make assumptions! And that choice is based on fear, and that’s why having courage plays a vital role in overcoming assumptions.

So, how about giving it a try? The next time you’re tempted to make an assumption, muster up the courage to ask questions. When you choose to communicate you’ll quickly notice that you encounter fewer misunderstandings and less unnecessary drama!

In the next issue, we’ll examine the fourth agreement: Always Do Your Best.

Over the next several issues of Identity, let’s take a different approach to better understanding our emotions. I’d like to tell you about a book that really helped me get a grasp on how I feel and why. It’s called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In the last Emotion Commotion column, we discussed my favorite (and second) agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements – “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” Now we are going to start at the beginning, with the first agreement, which is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” 

That agreement sounds pretty straight forward, right? Basically, say what you mean, mean what you say. Is that part of what this agreement stands for? Yes. But, let’s take a deeper look at it.

Don Miguel Ruiz says this agreement “is the most important one and also the most difficult one to honor.” Ruiz also says, “Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.”

Ruiz also believes that the word is not just a sound or a written symbol; it is a force and a power. Think about it. What we think (words) affects how we feel and how we feel affects our behavior (which really is our force and our power). Words are powerful and are more than just a sequence of vowels and consonants, verbs and nouns.

In The Four Agreements book, Ruiz uses Hitler as an extreme example of how powerful words are and how they can negatively influence and captivate others. By using his words, Hitler created fear and that fear manipulated an entire country and convinced people to commit the most appalling acts of violence.

Think of how the words of others have manipulated you and your beliefs. If, at a young age, someone told you that you were ugly or stupid, you believed them – accepted their opinion as your truth. So, you go through life thinking you are ugly and thinking you are stupid. Ruiz says, “By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse.”

This is why it’s important that we do our best to be impeccable with our word. Our word affects everyone – our self included. Impeccable means “without sin.” Although sin has religious connotation, a sin is also, according to Ruiz, anything you do which goes against yourself. In order to be impeccable with your word, you must not use your word – your power – against yourself and your beliefs (negative self talk). While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, do so without blaming or judging yourself.

We misuse our word more so than not. We use our words to create chaos, to blame, to express anger and jealousy. Our words can divide families, people – even nations. Whenever we hear an opinion and we believe it, we make an agreement and it becomes part of our belief system. That’s why it’s important to recognize that the opinions of others are not necessarily your truth. They only become your truth if you let it.

If you tell yourself things like “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly” or “I’m not enough” you’re using your word to hurt yourself. If you change your self talk to being impeccable (not going against yourself), not only will how you treat yourself change, how you treat others will change as well.

If you feel negative about yourself, perhaps your ego propels you to speak negatively about someone you really care about (in order to make yourself – your ego – feel better). All you are doing is using your word to create unnecessary drama and hurt. If you choose to be impeccable with your word, you will cleanse your mind from the emotional poison that eats away at your soul and eventually gets projected onto your personal relationships.

Ruiz says, “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.”

As children we all sang the tune, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” As children, that was a creative and “fun” tactic to use to preserve our developing egos. As adults, we’ve learned all too well that words can and do hurt.

It takes a lot of practice and perseverance to not be affected by others’ words. And Ruiz believes that in order to do that, we must each be impeccable with our word. We each need to choose to use words based on love (positive, affirming words) and not on fear (negative, loathing words). If you are able to choose this for yourself, it will help you become immune to the fear-based words of others.

Impeccability and change start with you.

In the next issue, we’ll examine the third agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.

Over the next several issues of Identity, let’s take a different approach to better understanding our emotions. I’d like to tell you about a book that really helped me get a grasp on how I feel and why. It’s called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In The Four Agreements, Ruiz explains his belief that if each of us vows to make four agreements with ourselves then we will all live a fuller life with better understanding. Over the next several issues, I’m going to examine each agreement. I’m going to go out of order with Ruiz’s agreements, and I’m going to start with my favorite agreement, “Don’t take anything personally.” This agreement has helped me the most – although I still struggle with achieving this from time to time.

According to Ruiz, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

A lot to digest? Sure, but this book is a worthwhile read. Basically, Ruiz believes that the reason us, as humans, have the tendency to take things personally because of “personal importance.” Ruiz defines personal importance as taking things personally and that it is the maximum expression of selfishness because we assume that everything is about “me.” Early in our lives, when we are absorbing and learning of the world around us (Ruiz calls this domestication), we learn to take everything personally and think everything is about “me.”

Ruiz believes that what other people say and do is about their own emotional baggage and poison. If someone walks up to you and says, “you’re fat,” it’s not about you, it’s about them and their own issues – or emotional garbage. In other words, that person is projecting their own feelings, beliefs, and opinions onto you – and you don’t have to absorb those projections. But, as humans, we tend to do just that. And when we do, we create a personal hell.

Even if someone does something to you that you feel directly insulted you, it’s not about you; it’s about the other person.  If you don’t take an insult personally, you won’t feel the need to defend yourself and you won’t accept what the person said to you as truth. It’s a version of that person’s truth and you don’t have to agree with that – all you have to agree with is to not take anything personally.

Ruiz says, “Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.”

Another aspect of this agreement is to watch what people do more so than what they say. In other words, actions speak louder than words. “If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don’t listen to their actions,” says Ruiz. “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you,” according to Ruiz. He says that if you make it a strong habit to not take anything personally, you will avoid many upsets in your life.

While reading this book, I had to stop and re-read some parts to better grasp what Ruiz was saying. It’s a relatively simple concept, but it’s hard to achieve because we are so programmed to take things personally. I’m sure each of us can think of several times when we’ve been hurt by others and took it personally. Perhaps a friend has said a hurtful thing to you or you’ve felt rejected by a significant other – reality is it’s not about you, it’s about them and their own assumptions and beliefs. “It’s not you, it’s me” may be a cliché break-up line, but it conveys a truth.

When you teach yourself to not take anything personally, you set yourself up for personal freedom. It will help you eliminate negative thoughts, prevent you from absorbing other people’s ‘stuff’, and protect you from unnecessary hurt. Emotionally you will be healthier, stronger, and less likely to allow others to define who you are. This isn’t something that is achieved overnight. It’s an ongoing commitment – and like anything else, the more you practice, the better at it, in this case not taking anything personally, you will become.

In the next issue, we’ll examine the agreement of, being impeccable with your word.

“I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides, which you see I have confidence in me.” For those of us who are Sound of Music fans, that is honestly what pops into my head when I think of the word, ‘confidence.’ These are lyrics from the catchy, “I Have Confidence in Me” song that Julie Andrews sang as she skipped down the road to the Vonn Trap family’s home for the first time.

As I attempt to write this June Emotion Commotion article on confidence, I’m getting stuck. Stuck with that song in my head, and stuck with what words to type about the word confidence! How do I begin to write about this powerful word that emits various emotions?

Confidence. The first word that comes to mind when I hear that word is security. Someone who has confidence is secure in who they are — emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Dictionary.com defines confidence as: belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance; full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.

How does confidence relate to emotions? Well, negative, limiting emotions affect our confidence levels. Feelings such as fear, anger, and being overwhelmed can make our confidence level take a nose dive, whereas, love, courage, and enthusiasm feelings can make our confidence level soar!

Identity’s Accept. Appreciate.Achieve.™ message is about confidence, if you think about it. Acceptance of ourselves and the things we cannot change, appreciation for what we offer the world and what the world has to offer, and striving to achieve on deeper levels all can positively impact our confidence.

I don’t know about you, but confidence is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. As a child, I was labeled “shy,” and as I went through my teens and young adulthood, I would sometimes get teased for being “too quiet.” At times, my quietness was mistaken for rudeness. Reality is I would clam up, especially when I was in a new situation meeting new people — I wouldn’t feel confident. As I got older, my confidence level has improved. I feel that I’m highly confident at work, but in my personal life, I still struggle with feeling confident when it comes to certain friendships and dating, as well as new experiences.

I also think confidence has a lot to do with self esteem and self worth. I tend to be skeptical of people who come across as overly confident. I think some of those people may be “fake it, til you make it” type people. There’s something unauthentic about over confidence. Also, sometimes people who exude over confidence are some of the most insecure people. And then, there are people like me. I have a decent sense of self worth (being a contributor and reader of Identity has certainly helped me in this area) and my self esteem has certainly improved as I’ve gotten older and had more life experiences – but – confidence is still a little foreign to me! So, how does one strike a balance and build true confidence?

I recently read an article about building self confidence on pickthebrain.com, and it said: “Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.”

Perception. So, confidence really boils down to how you perceive yourself? I hadn’t really thought of that before, but it makes sense. If you perceive yourself as insecure, you’ll most likely be insecure and others will think you’re insecure. If you perceive yourself as worthy, you’ll feel worthy and others will view you as worthy. If you perceive yourself as successful, you’ll become successful. If you perceive yourself as confident, you’ll build confidence and others will think you are confident.

It supports the psychology thought of: “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” Confidence can become a part of your destiny – it all starts with your thoughts and your perception of yourself.

In addition to changing your mindset, there are other tactics you can try to help build your self esteem. Identity’s mantra is a great place to start. Accept your flaws, as well as realize that nobody is perfect. Talk to a trusted friend about your insecure feelings – in sharing with others, you’ll learn you are not alone. Appreciate yourself, your body, your imperfections, and what you can contribute to this world. When you give to others, you really are giving a gift to yourself – the gift that you are worthy and have much to offer. Strive to achieve, learn, and grow each day. Set a realistic goal for yourself and work hard at achieving it.

As someone who started out stuck on what to write, I’ve certainly come up with quite a bit to say! My initial approach to this article was to do research. To figure out what others were saying about confidence, find a top 10 list of things to do to build confidence.  I wasn’t confident that I could write about confidence! But, then I realized the answer was much closer than I thought. Identity offers so much when it comes to confidence and self esteem. Its mission is based around helping women realize their true potential and self worth by sharing stories in a safe place that allows each of us to learn from one another and discover our true identity.

An identity with a strong sense of self and genuine confidence! As a matter of fact, my confidence level has grown just from exploring the concept of confidence in order to write this article! So, Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.™ – watch and feel what that does to your confidence level!

“It is confidence in our bodies, minds, and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn – which is what life is all about.”—Oprah Winfrey

By Kimberly Elmore

You can be in a room full of people, yet feel lonely. You can have a great support system, yet feel lonely.  You can also be alone, but not feel lonely. What is this mental health game all about?

Loneliness is a feeling, a state of mind. There are many triggers of loneliness such as feeling excluded, misunderstood, not accepted, lack of intimacy, or lack of friends and family to support you during a difficult time.

Dictionary.com defines lonely as: destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, support; solitary; without company; companionless; desolate; unfrequented; bleak; standing apart; isolated.

According to Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com, loneliness is a ‘curse’ of humanity. Gallozzi says everyone, regardless of age or ethnicity, is affected by loneliness. He points out, though, that loneliness is a feeling and doesn’t have to define who you are. Much like our arms and legs are a part of our body, our feelings are a part of our psyche—that part of us doesn’t need to define us.

Words are powerful and can be hurtful when misused. Sometimes the words we use imprison us instead of set us free. For example, Gallozzi says: “if I were to say, ‘I AM lonely.’ That is just like saying, ‘I AM white.’ or ‘I AM a male.’ There’s nothing I can do about being white or a male. There is nothing I can do to change what I AM. So, when I say, ‘I AM lonely,’ the implication is that I cannot change. In other words, I use words to imprison myself with false beliefs.”

Gallozzi stresses the importance of acknowledging that loneliness is a feeling—a temporary state of mind that can change. By saying, ‘I FEEL lonely’ that allows a person to open the door of his/her “mental prison” because feelings can and do change. Some people choose to remain in that state of mind, but others choose to do something about feeling lonely.

When a person is ready to do something about his/her loneliness, Gallozzi suggests understanding a simple law of life: You have to give away what you wish to receive. Our actions are balls that bounce back to us.

The consequences of that law are:

•    Don’t give others what you don’t want to receive. If I punch someone, they will punch me back. If I hug someone, they will hug me back. And that is the wisdom contained in the teaching, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

•    You will receive the most when you give the most. So, give of yourself, expecting little in return. Think of others, not yourself. Don’t be needy, be a friend. And build that friendship slowly. Learn to listen to others and they will listen to you. Learn to comfort others, and you will be comforted.

In addition to helping others, there are other ways to help you get out of your loneliness rut. You could start to journal, exercising, learning to like yourself by discovering what’s behind your low self esteem or wounded psyche, talking to a therapist, or joining a group (at church, take adult classes, or volunteer).

The main thing you need to understand about loneliness is that you aren’t alone. All of us feel lonely and that feeling will pass. You just need to work at it.

According to dictionary.com, resentment is:  the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. Recently, I had a life-long friend make a decision that was incredibly hurtful to me.  For weeks I felt various emotions: hurt, sad, disappointment, anger, and resentment. I recently came to realize that I needed to forgive that person for their decision, as hard as it was going to be. Why? I needed to forgive not for the other person’s sake, but for my own sake so that I would be emotionally free from the negativity I was surrounding myself in about the other person and their decision.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Most people hold grudges, but some for longer periods of time than others. One emotion behind the grudge is resentment. Most of us are likely to feel resentful when: others try to tell us what to do, how to feel, or how to think, others act superior to us, others act in hypocritical ways, others don’t meet our needs, or we feel falsely judged, labeled, or invalidated.

When we feel resentment, it’s about our ego and our need to self protect. And the person who has “wronged” you made their decision to say or do something that was hurtful to you not because they wanted to hurt you but because of their ego and their need to self protect. When people are in pain, unhappy, or miserable sometimes they can’t help but try to spread that energy onto others, and when people say or do things that are hurtful to you it’s not personal—it’s actually a reflection of the other person’s internal state of mind.

Confusing? Yes. It took me many sleepless nights, many conversations with trusted friends (to vent and get advice), and many Google searches to fully understand the emotions I was feeling about what had happened and how I should react to what had happened. After all, we cannot control what others say or do, we can only control our reaction to what others say or do.

So, I chose not to confront this person on their hurtful decision. I didn’t want to engage and create more negativity. Instead I chose to understand that although on the surface it appeared this decision was a personal “attack,” as I dug deeper I learned it was more about the other person's perceptions and their own prejudices, assumptions, and sadness. Plus, what other people think about you doesn’t have to become your truth—and life is too short to dwell on the past or others’ opinions of us.

The next step was forgiveness (as I mentioned above), which is a gradual process. If forgiveness isn’t attempted, the only person harmed will be one’s self.  As Buddy Hackett said, “Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.”

Although I have shared an example from my own life, I think the approach of understanding and forgiveness can be applied to anyone who feels resentment towards someone else. When you choose understanding and forgiveness imagine what that will say about your personal internal state of mind. You may come to understanding the other person differently (perhaps you would want to confront the person you felt wronged by), but regardless of how you get to understanding and forgiveness all that matters is that you get there.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder 


Emotion Commotion: Grief
It’s a feeling that is universal in that each of us has experienced it on some level, yet it’s also incredibly personal because no one experiences grief in the same way. Grief, as defined by dictionary.com, is: (noun) keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret; a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

In this Emotion Commotion article, I’m going to take a different approach. I’m going to share my recent experience with grief and the emotions that have gone and continue to go along with it.

On October 25, 2009 at 7:35 a.m., six days after my mom’s 57th birthday, my cell phone rang. When I answered Nurse Pat said, “Mom expired this morning.” Expired. I wonder if that’s a word hospice nurses are trained to use? Either way, that phone call is forever imbedded in my memory.

These past few months have been a yo-yo of emotions. Some days I feel deeply sad and like a part of me is missing, while other days I experience glimpses of the way I used to feel before my mom died. I have days where I’m able to not think about my mom’s death for long stretches of time, and then I have days where it consumes me—the mental images I have of her during her last days play over and over in my mind like a bad movie.

I consider myself lucky in that the last words my mother and I shared before she went into a “coma-like” state for six days were, “I love you.” After she said that to me, she faded away and slept for six days until she passed away.

My mom’s wake and funeral felt like a dream.  Physically I was there, but emotionally I felt numb. I felt like I was just playing a part and that it wasn’t really my reality. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism that kicked in, as well as a little bit of denial, but it helped me get through those two days. A few friends said they were amazed that I didn’t really cry during my mom’s services. I was amazed too, but I also spent many days and nights sitting at my mom’s bedside crying. I had also said good-bye to my mom four different times—each night I left the hospice I would say good bye just in case she passed. I was all cried out.

In the weeks following my mom’s death, I was still in a cloud. I had many moments of guilt. Even though my mom and I had a good relationship, I replayed the times she and I fought. I felt guilty for the times we argued and for the times I gave her attitude. Over the course of the next few months, the guilt went away, but I had a hard time remembering my mom being healthy. Sometimes my memories take me back to her sleeping in the bed at hospice. I struggle with focusing on all the happy memories.

Some days I have a hard time concentrating. I’ve had my moments of thinking ‘why?’ and I’ve questioned my religious beliefs. Even, now, seven months later, when I think about my mom the pain returns just as fresh as I felt it the day she died. I think now, in some ways, it’s harder than it was the days following my mom’s death. I’m no longer numb; the finality and reality have sunk in. There are no longer people offering support everywhere I turn. That’s because everyone has gotten back to their lives, and that’s justifiable. I think many believe the most difficult part is the days following the death of a loved one, when in actuality it’s the months later that are the most difficult.

Grief is more than an emotion; it’s an all-encompassing, on-going experience. It will always be there, and it will creep up on me when I least expect it. Sometimes when I think of my mom, I cry, and other times I feel anxious or insecure. Grief is also a physical emotion. There are days I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my chest, or I walk around with a lump in my throat. It’s a pain that is felt so deep that it’s hard to describe with words.

I have good days and bad days. There is no magical switch that turns the grief off. Sometimes I feel that some people think I should be “over it” by now. Some say they don’t feel I’m happy or that eventually other people in my life will fill the void. I know they mean no harm with their words because I realize they may not understand how deeply affected I am by the loss of my mother. I don’t outwardly show my grief.

I think to lose anyone is hard, but when a person dies young, his or her death cannot be justified with, ‘at least she lived a long, full life.’  I’m not saying one loss is easier or harder than another; I’m just saying that there are different types of losses. Because death is inevitable for each of us, all any of us can hope for is to live to be in our 80s or 90s. And when life is cut short, well, it’s just not fair.

I feel cheated. And sometimes, I feel angry. My mom won’t be at my wedding or get to be a grandparent. I miss the day to day stuff, too. I miss being able to call my mom just to say hi or go out for a bite to eat. For me, my mom was one of my best friends. She and I spoke almost every day. She was a major part of my support system, and now she is gone. She has left a huge void that will never be filled because no one could ever replace my mom and no one will ever love me as unconditionally as my mother. Some days it’s hard to fully function knowing that the person who always had my back and my best interests at heart is gone forever.

I’ve been told that I will never get over the loss of my mother; I will just learn to live with it. I do believe time will soothe the crispness of my pain, but it will never soothe the emptiness in my heart. For me, grief is defined as a day-to-day, life-altering process.

As Sigmund Freud said, "We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else."