By Dava Krause

Guys go to strip clubs because it turns them on. I get it. But when I went to a male strip club I wasn’t turned on. I was hysterical. I swear I never laughed so hard.  It wasn’t sexy, it was hilarious. Foreplay for me is not some creepily over-cut, greased -up monkey wagging his waxed balls in my face. Foreplay for me is all about flattery. Oh yeah, compliment my brains out.

“You’re gorgeous. I came over here because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”  That’s my version of a lap dance.

Unfortunately, my husband is not the most generous with positive feedback. That’s my nice way of saying I practically have to beg for a compliment. I recently bought these super hot four-inch open-toe heels. I thought for sure he would say something. Oh, he did.  He was like, “You don’t know how to walk without falling down in regular shoes, how are you supposed to walk in those?” “Don’t you think they make my legs look sexy?” I said. “Not when they’re cut up and bleeding after you’ve wiped out and fell on your ass.”

Last weekend when I went to my college reunion I was surrounded by a gaggle of gays from my acting class and I got my fix. As I was packing, I consciously picked my hottest jeans, my cutest tops and my most fabulous bags because I knew they’d be notice. At this point, for my husband I’d throw on some make-up. But for my gay boyfriends? I got a Brazilian Blown Out.

I’ve heard people say that women don’t dress to impress men but rather dress to impress other women. I don’t know if that’s true. I find it difficult to compliment another woman without feeling jealous or competitive and often a comment like, “have you lost weight?” is followed by a silent “bitch” to oneself.

Was there a shortage of Cavemen in ancient times so all the cave women in the village had to cut other women down to get a date and this impulse has been passed down in our human DNA?  Or is it our current culture that somehow makes us women think, “Your beauty, wealthy, success and achievement takes away from mine?”

I don’t have an answer, but I want to stop all that here and now. And I don’t want to wait for the new year to make the change. I want to start TODAY and recognize the greatness and beauty of other women. I want the greatness and beauty of others to push me to achieve my personal best. I want it to turn me on. Not in a sexual way, but in an inspirational way.  A regenerative way. An expansive way. A way in which I can spark and be sparked. Grow and facilitate growth. Let’s get impressed with ourselves. And if there’s time, a really good Brazilian blow out can feel pretty good too.

By Dava Krause

In case you’re not familiar, an NFL lockout, due to a labor dispute between league owners and players, began in the spring threatening to postpone or worse- cancel the season. On July 25th it was called off. Football is back! Phew!

Without football, I would have to interact with family members during the winter holidays and converse with my husband on Sundays. Yikes. Worst of all, without football I wouldn’t have my all girl fantasy football league!

Football is the only sport that interests me. I’m not sure if it’s because it was the only sport that my father ever watched or because football is just far more awesome than any other sport. Regardless, I always enjoyed rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles and watching games. And after living in Los Angeles where the weather is the same all year round (not complaining…just stating a fact), the start of football season always reminded me it was fall. That and the Jewish High Holidays, but I digress.

Six years ago, I met my husband in late summer as he was gearing up for his annual trip with his buddies to draft their fantasy football team. Every year from all over the country no matter what job, marital status or kid situation his friends were living in, they got together to discuss something they mutually loved. Football. It brought them together.  One year they went to Vegas for the draft and left the Hooters Hotel because they didn’t have all the games on. Balls over Boobs. It was like football transformed them back to an innocent state of boyhood – nothing mattered as much as football. Not even girls.

According to Wikipedia, “Participation [in fantasy sports] has grown over 60 percent the past four years with 19 percent of males in the U.S. playing fantasy sports.” There’s even a television show on FX called The League, a semi-scripted comedy about a fantasy football league. But how can us ladies get involved?

In 2007 I was asked to join League Home Sauce  by a good friend, and Girls Guide To Fantasy Sports Creator, Jordan Zucker. It’s an all girl league. No boys. (Save for the “Mitches”, aka, Man-Bitches, who simply serve us cocktails, bring us snacks and keep quiet as they have the privilege of witnessing a bunch of sexy intelligent ladies talk about football).

Finally, a league for US! A chance to spend time with my girlfriends and not talk about boys.  It’s freaking awesome.

When I first joined the league I didn’t know too much about players outside of the Eagles. So I researched. I read. I jumped in and figured it out like I did with a new video game when I was a little girl. And I continue to learn. (Apparently learning is one thing and winning is another.)

So this fall, join a league. Start a league. Dive in head first. Play like you did as a little kid. And by means, don’t forget to bring along some grown-up cocktails.

My husband and I recently bought a house. It’s the size of a shoebox and has no running water – but it’s ours.  Okay, it has running water. And we love it.  But after all the paperwork was done and we had gone through the hell of moving, I began to have a bizarre urge that I did not appreciate.

I wanted to decorate.

(Insert organ playing a loud minor chord here)

Oh God, No! I tried shoving it down. Home Depot became my personal nudie bar. 

I would take the long drive home to go in the store and walk the aisles of temptation.  Tile and glassware and hardware, oh my! I’d crouch in a corner and mumble to myself, “That kitchen isn’t real, Dava. Nobody in real life has that kitchen. You can stare all you want at that marble, but the counter top does not match sink.” When I got home I’d lie to my husband and say there was traffic.  I’d stash design catalogues in my nightstand like “Playgirls.” I’d spent afternoons on the Internet creepily looking at Instyle Décor  and then delete my browser history like I had been looking at porn.

I was ashamed.

Decorating, in my mind, was totally in the “stereotypical women” category for me. And if you read my last article you know that those are things that don’t generally interest me and in fact are things I tend to avoid on principle even if I did have a slight interest in them.

Then something clicked in my head. I thought, “If I do it all by myself, especially the hard labor that you’d expect a man to do, then I’ve cancelled out the woman stuff with the man stuff and I could feel good about that.”

Cut to me crying on the bathroom floor under a fallen, broken glass shelf, starring at the large holes I made in what used to be a perfectly acceptable solid wall. It was like a bad episode of the “The Cosby Family.”

And that’s when my husband walked in.

I was caught. Pants down. Not exactly the finished re-modeled bathroom I wanted him to come home and see. I broke down and confessed it all.

And once again I faced the heart of the matter. How do I identify as a woman? What does “being a woman” mean? Does it mean I posses a specific set of characteristics?  If I posses them, does that make me a stereotype? What if I don’t posses them?  Does that make me manly? I don’t have a solid answer. So for now I’ll just say: I am woman. Hear me roar. See me decorate.

I’m not sure I’m a woman. I mean, I know I am physically a woman and I have woman parts,  but my identity as a woman? What it means to be a woman? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I attended an all girls’ school from kindergarten through twelfth grade. It was an extremely competitive environment in which academic achievement was not encouraged- it was expected. We were taught to break glass ceilings and excel in the most prestigious professions. Real women don’t marry doctors, they become doctors.

And then there was my mother. She did marry a doctor. She would tell me that all she ever wanted was to become a mother. Because of medical complications, she had brain surgery to have me and then adopted my sister. Her identity as a woman was grounded in being a mother.  She was the ultimate nurturer. She was the office manager at my father’s medical practice. While my dad would examine patients she would comfort the patients and give them advice. Then she was home every night to make dinner, do the dishes, help me with my homework, and have my dreaded uniform neatly pressed and ready to go for the morning. That’s the kind of woman she was.

So here I am. A grown woman. A comedian of all things. Not exactly the profession you expect your child to pursue after thirteen years of prep school and college. Have I committed treason against my sisters of academia? I don’t think so. I work as hard as any doctor or lawyer, and comedy is as much of a male dominated field as any.

Do I want to be a mother? Maybe. But it’s not my priority. I am a wife. But I proposed to my husband, not the other way around. I even offered to get the ring. I certainly don’t do the things my mother did as a wife. I can count the times I’ve made dinner for my husband. I’m out most nights of the week telling jokes to strangers. Plus, I’m a terrible cook. One night watching “Nightline” the story was entitled, “Recipe for a Murder.” My husband turned to me and said, “I guess they tried your shrimp.”

So how do I identify as a woman? I don’t know. As I get older I try to pick apart and untangle the definition of “woman” and figure out which most feel like me. So far I’ve come up with this: I have boobs and a vagina. Other than that, everything is up for grabs.

Thank you for sharing and enjoy this break in your day!

The Check In
My friend and I checked into this HoJo (Howard Johnson) as part of a wedding group.  We lugged all of our things up to the 2nd floor and proceeded into the room where I hit someone with the door.  I looked down and it was the maintenance man tying his shoe.  He got up and ran out of the room.  A maid was on the phone acting surprised that whoever called said they rented this room and the maid stated that the A/C should be working now and hung up.  I then look over and I see a Bud Light can on the counter…hmmm

The maid proceeds to walk towards me mumbling something about a courtesy call and a breakfast buffet, but all I could focus on was that her pants were undone, her shirt untucked, she was wearing NO shoes and her hair was all over the place.  As she walks towards me she is tucking in her shirt and trying to button her pants, which she was having trouble with.  She bends down in front of me and removes her shoe that was wedged under the ottoman leg (the wobbly ottoman, the place where the alleged “relations” happened).  AWKWARD!

She picks up the Bud Light can and goes into the bathroom where she takes out the garbage and states she will need to bring me a new bathroom garbage.  BARF!!!!!  If not for our courtesy call, I’m sure I would have walked in on the main event!  What kind of hotel is this?!!?  When we came down to change rooms and complain at the front desk, the girl said “well, you’ll need to speak with a manager, they were just up there changing the filter.”  HA!  He was cleaning out a filter alright -Jasmin

Giving the Bride Away
When my husband George and I were married 19 years ago, the wedding was held in my sister’s backyard. Chairs had been set up with a center aisle and when it was time for my sister Bev to walk down the aisle as my matron of honor, her dog Bear (a brown poodle) thought it would be fun to take a walk too. So my wedding pictures show Bev and Bear preceding me down the aisle. The pictures also show my two brothers-in-law giving me away. And when the judge asked, “Who gives this woman…?” they pointed to each other and said, “HE does!” Everybody just cracked up. Needless to say, it was a pretty memorable wedding! -Nancy Sayles

Wisconsin Surprise
It was in Northern Wisconsin, A hot July night combined with plenty of free beer and no security led to a very strange occurrence. My DJ had just played the last song and was ready to pack up when the groom requested one last dance. We obliged and the floor filled with happily dancing people. Suddenly a man streaked across the dance floor and (with no warning) hit the groom hard in the face. The groom returned the punch, yelling and screaming ensued and there was shortly what appeared to be a football pile up in the middle of the dance floor. I got on the microphone and tried to restore order but it was hopeless. Then an angel in white saved the day. The bride came in screaming Stop Stop! This is our wedding day! How could you do this dad? “Dad?” I thought. Then, the groom and the father of the bride stopped their fight, ran after the bride out into the parking lot and they all drove off. I never found out the reason for the fight but I have always wondered how that marriage turned out. -DJ, Kevin Hall

The Switch
The other story was unusual in the fact that the hotel actually stopped the reception and kicked the people out. It was a big hotel in Minneapolis and the reception was in a beautiful poolside area. It was a large wedding party five bridesmaids and groomsmen and they had a lot of fun with the magic/comedy show we did for them. Once we started the dance they were bouncing off the walls and parting hard. About 9:30 the entire wedding party disappeared. Twenty minutes later they were back but the entire party had switched clothes. The bridesmaids looked pretty good, but the men were definitely never made to fit into the dresses (especially the groom!) the crowd went crazy with laughter 
and screaming. And that would have been fine but then one of the men tried to get his clothes back from a woman. The woman retaliated by pushing him into the pool. More pushing and shoving ensued and there were dozens of people in the pool including the bride. The hero of this story was the groom who had sense enough to save the wedding gown from a dip in the pool. As security started leading people away I could tell the bride would remember this special night forever! 
 -DJ, Kevin Hall

Dress Attire Gone Bad
I was dating an actor in Los Angeles who had a lot of large circle of friends, many of them famous. I am a flight attendant with a limited budget and I would stress out about what to wear to events with him. During our four years together, I even went to such desperate measures as to buy a plastic tag gun from a store supply store so I could reattach sales tags to garments after I had worn them, and then return them. This is not something I’m proud of, but it’s something I did out of pride combined with a limited income!

My actor boyfriend got an invitation to Alice Walton’s wedding in Monterey; CA. Alice Walton is one of the richest women in the country. She is a member of the Walton Family. Does that ring any bells? How about “Wal-Mart”? Yes that’s right, the family who started the Wal-Mart chain. Not only are they one of the richest families in the country, but the wedding was on New Years Day. And the rehearsal dinner was on New Years Eve, at the most expensive hotel in a very expensive town. I was getting nervous just thinking about what to wear while my boyfriend was reading the invitation. I asked him what he would wear to the party on New Years Eve at the most expensive hotel in town. It’s so easy for men! He casually said that he would wear his tux—a beautiful expensive tuxedo that he owns. This sent my stress level through the roof! I was already tired of whole returning-clothing-spiral-of-shame, so I decided to invest in a gown. I splurged and bought this drop-dead gorgeous floor length gown with a plunging neckline and bare back.

At that point I thought I was all set: I can walk into the most expensive hotel in town with my tall dark and handsome boyfriend in his expensive tux with my head held high! Never did I dream things would turn out like they did. When we walked into the ballroom for the rehearsal dinner, my heart immediately sank.

Everyone was in jeans and t-shirts and even the bride-to-be was wearing a tracksuit! It was New Years Eve, for pete sake, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on! There we were, looking like we were ready for the Oscars, and there was everybody else, looking like they were straight out of a Gap commercial! Not only were we completely overdressed, but I was also completely over-exposed in my plunging neckline gown. I think I was hyperventilating at this point. I even went so far as to go the front desk to ask for a safety pin to try to make my dress less revealing. It turns out the Walton family are casual folks regardless how much money they have. They went out to their way to make me feel comfortable and welcome even though we stood out like a sore thumb. Numerous people explained that the wedding the next day would be just as casual so I actually wore jeans to the wedding of the wealthiest people I’d ever met! The wedding was outside overlooking the water and completely casual and low key. It was honestly the best wedding I have ever been to. They have so much money that they know it’s not about how much money you spend or how much your dress cost. It’s about friends and family and celebrating the occasion. 
- Betty Thesky, Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase

City Hall Wedding
We were short of cash, so we had to do the City Hall thing, so we improvised. We live a couple blocks from City Hall.

My wife and I started our own wedding march from our apartment. The neighbors saw us, and for some reason started to follow. Unfortunately, I did not plan the City Hall thing so great, and 20 of my family members basically over took City Hall. We were incredibly loud and laughing the whole time. By the time the civil worker was done marrying us, he looked at us and said, I never want to see you both in here again. with a laugh. He did so because we packed his office from wall to wall.

The neighbors that followed waited outside for us to come out. Of all the weddings in my large family, they still talk about this one and it happened almost 3 years ago on 9/20/2007. Thanks for asking! I attached a photo from inside city hall. I am the guy in the center. My wife is on my right with my nephew in front. – Steven Lowell

1. I went to a Hawaiian party with a girlfriend in 1985. A young good-looking guy walked up to me, looked me up and down and said, “A 9. Yeah-definitely a 9. You’d be a 10, but you’re missing one thing…ME!” 

Yeah, I laughed. I also had a boyfriend at the time, so dating him wasn’t an option. But this pick-up line is the one line that I’ve never forgotten and it’s been 25 years. – Jennifer

2. “You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all night.” I laughed! It was during college, and his name was Darrin. We became really good friends– Never dated, though. I ended up using the line throughout a play that I wrote– And I cast him in the role that said the line! – Candice

3. I met a man in 1994 when I was at Sydney’s, a restaurant/music club in Rehoboth Beach DE, whose pickup line made me laugh: I was with a group of girlfriends, sitting at the bar watching a three-piece acoustic blues band called The Blue Rider Trio. The harmonica player, Hugh Feeley, was spectacular, just an amazing musician, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. At the break, he walked right up to me and said: “I saw you come in, and I’ve been watching you sitting there, and you can kiss me*.” I laughed out loud, we talked, I got his number, and we’re married now. *To this day he denies saying “you can kiss me”, but I have witnesses And yes, I kissed him – Pattie

4. My name is Deidre Drewes, I am 22 years old and I live in Kingston, NY. One night when I was at the bar, an older gentleman sitting next to me turned his head to me, stared for a second, then blurted out: “You look like the reason I went through puberty.” I didn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or be completely mortified, but it was definitely one of the most original lines I have ever heard. – Deidre

5. The pickup line that stands out for me after all these years was when a guy came over to me in what they used to call a “disco,” and said, “I wore diapers when I was a baby.” I laughed and said, “Me too” and he said, “Wow, we have a lot in common!” – Cindy

6. “Your eyes are so blue like the ocean, I think I can see dolphins swimming in them.” 

Never heard that one before, but it made me laugh. I don’t think that was the response he was looking for though… – Debbie

7. “Here’s $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.”

Laughed, took the ten, bought myself a couple of drinks…but he didnt get any better looking for that was that – Karen

8. I was sitting at a bar waiting for a client and a man walked over and handed me a sugar packet. I raised my eyebrow and he said “I think you dropped your name tag.” I busted out laughing! That was so cute that I struck up a ten minute conversation with him! – Crystal

9. Funny I came across this today.I was on a NYC bus yesterday and noticed a very well dressed gentleman reading the paper. He glanced over a few times and then he said, “you have very nice looking feet.” I responded with a chuckle and remarked, I’m a little embarrassed but thank you!” I honestly didn’t know how to respond after that.I got off at my stop and that was it. I think if he has complimented any other feature I would have chatted him up Gotta love NY!!- SR

10. A really cute guy and his friend were at a bar, standing out of the 
way from me and my friend. We had guys buying us all sorts of drinks. But all of a 
sudden,we received a slice of lime with the little plastic sword in it, on a 
napkin.

The bartender said this is from the gentlemen across the room.
We turned around and saw the two guys gesturing with their hands “no 
big deal” “our pleasure” and “please enjoy” … acting like they just bought us 
a condo!

We laughed so hard, we thought it was creative and cute…and my 
friend ended up marrying one of them! -Ruta

11. Hi there, Let’s just say that the time I heard “do you want to come over to my place, I have… chocolate” I quickly declined. And laugh about it to this day, over 10 years later! – Marie-Christine

12. I was in a hotel in NYC & my phone was dead & needed to find a pay phone – i went to the bar & asked the bartender “if i were a phone where would i be” without missing a beat he said “you’d be next to my bed & you’d be a touch -tone..” I laughed & gave him my number – we became friends – he was a really nice guy – Kerri

13. I was texting someone on my iPhone at the bar.  A guy standing near me leaned in and, with no prior conversation – nothing but  creepy “Look how cool I am” smile, said – “Wanna Bump me?”  I looked at him with a dead-panned stare.  I knew what he meant, I just couldn’t believe he said it.  He asked again, “Wanna Bump me.”  I explained to him that I didn’t have Bump on my phone to avoid accidentally Bumping people while I was dancing. 

What I _wanted_ to say is “People like you are the reason I don’t have Bump.”  Who _says_ that?

(Bump is an iPhone app that if both people have iPhones and have the app, you can bump fists and transfer contact information.)  – Kindra

14. One of the worst pick up lines I’ve heard was this guy came up to my friend and I and asked, “How much do polar bears weigh?” I said I don’t know and he said, “Enough to break the ice!” I thought to myself, seriously???????? Maybe if the dude had a bit of charisma I would have laughed, but I just looked at him like the pathetic loser that he was and we walked away. One of the first pick up lines I can remember was when I was about 15 and I was working at an ice-cream shop and this kid said to me “Did it hurt?” I said What?? He said “When you fell down from heaven?” Course it made me giggle, as corny as it was it was sweet for a 15 year old boy. I’m pretty sure I gave him free ice-cream -Nastassia