By Nicole

For over half of my life I struggled with my body image. Tipping the scales at just over 100 pounds at 22-years-old, you’d think I would have seen what the world knew, and what I could not yet admit to myself: I had an eating disorder.

On many levels, I am the same person I was 20 years ago. On the other hand, I could not be farther from the life I used to live. Writing, for example, is something I have always cherished. I have kept a journal since I was 8-years-old. From love gone completely awry to details of what I had eaten, my collection of journals serve as reminders of milestones I have reached throughout my life. That of which is a journey, from a sick occupation with my body to an insatiable desire to prevent the disorder from affecting other young women in the community and being an overall champion for women and the unique issues that we face.

In high school, I wrote very little because I had reached a point where I had become so regimented in what I ate and the amount of exercise I would endure on any given day that there was no need to keep tally anymore. It would have been the same exact entry every day.

October 9, 1997. (I would be about 15-years-old at the time).
1 pear. 10 pretzels  (save the other 10 for tomorrow). Coffee.

It wasn’t until my early 20s that I was desperate to seek treatment, heal and recover from years of a destructive relationship with food. I am most proud of the decision to ask for help for my anorexia and bulimia. My physical symptoms and urges were bi-products of my lack of confidence and an immense pressure I put on myself to be perfect. One of the most challenging things for me was letting go of the so called “super woman syndrome,” being everything, to everyone, at all times. I was so intent on making others happy that I never allowed myself the time to reflect on my own needs. Two years at a Center for Eating Disorders in Maryland gave me just that, time to find my own voice.

In 2009 I quit my full time job as an Associate at one of the top four public accounting firms in the world and pursued my passion for marketing and won my first pageant! The business savvy I gained while obtaining my MBA, coupled with the desire to help other young women find their own identities on the pageant stage and in life, led to the launch of my own company Pageant Professors. And as the newly crowned Miss Delaware International 2012, I plan on taking my platform “No Body’s Perfect,” which promotes eating disorder awareness, to the national stage.

I look back on my life and regret spending so much time counting calories and criticizing my body in front of mirrors. But it was as if I had to be pushed to the brink of the impossible, to know my true potential, to understand what I am meant to do in this world. And it has been a result of my battle with eating disorders that I’ve been able to contribute to a world greater than myself. Becoming Miss Delaware International will serve as my microphone for increasing awareness about the severity and prevalence of eating disorders in the United States. It will also provide me with the opportunity to speak on behalf of those who are not ready to tell their own story.

In keeping with Identity’s mission of ‘Accept. Appreciate. Achieve™’, Nicole answers the Identity Five:

1.    What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
My weight is something that took time for me to accept. Once I realized that the number staring back at me was no indicator of my worth, it changed my life.

2.    What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I appreciate my positive frame of mind. Now that I am free from my eating disorders, I can think confidently about what the future has in store for me.

3.    What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
Starting my own company is one of my most rewarding achievements. There has been no better satisfaction that providing young women with the tools I wish I had when I first started competing in pageants. I have my eyes set on becoming the Executive Director of a state pageant system and becoming a national expert on women’s entrepreneurship.

4.    What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
I am a closet knitter! People think that because I appear in our Pageant Professors videos and are a natural networker that I am an extrovert. I actually have very introverted tendencies and prefer activities such as cooking, going for runs by myself and reading.

5.    How would you complete the phrase “I Love My…?”
I love myself and the people who have supported me on this amazing journey.

By Ellen Goldman

I’m sad…

I’m about to share something very personal with you.  I’m compelled to do so.

Family gatherings and parties are some of my very favorite moments in life. I am truly blessed to have a large family of folks who truly admire and enjoy each other.  During the holiday season, we get together often.

After a day surrounded by loving family and loads of great food, I usually return home feeling enormously grateful and happy.  But this last time, something happened and I came home sad.

Cuddling on the couch after dinner with my Mom, she sighed and said, “I can’t wait for all these holidays to be over so I can go back to my diet.  I really want to loose ten pounds this year.  I’m making it my 2012 New Year’s Resolution!”

What!  This is crazy talk.  You see, Mom is turning 91 next month (don’t you dare tell her I told you) and I cannot believe she is still obsessing over her weight.  I’ve been listening to this on and off for as long as I can possibly remember.

My mom was the original Weight Watcher’s kid.  She was always on or off her diet.  Either being “bad” or “good” depending on what the number on the scale said that morning. It was exhausting to listen to, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for her.

I’m quite sure being exposed to this while growing up influenced my choice of careers, although I don’t think I realized that for many years to come.  But what I did realize was there had to be a better way to go through life.  I was not going to spend mine on and off diets, measuring my foods, feeling good about myself one day, and bad the next depending on my food choices.  Or shopping for clothing that “don’t make me look fat.”

And although I figured out a lifestyle that helps me maintain a healthy body weight, and I never go on a diet, Mom did not.  Clearly the extra pounds haven’t affected her longevity.  A few extra pounds don’t affect health as much as some perceive it to.  But what about the stress, the hardships it’s caused her and the emotional lost time?

Now don’t get me wrong…my mother is one of the most optimistic, energetic and dynamic woman you could ever meet.  But it saddens me to think about what this has cost her- stress, emotional energy, decreased self-esteem, aching knees and bad back due to the excess weight, not to mention the cost of the many diet programs and special foods purchased over the years.  More than anything, the thought of all those wasted moments of distress despite the smile she always shows the outside world   To think that those extra pounds could stand in the way of her seeing the totally amazing person she is!  Augh, it makes me want to scream.

Is this a story you can relate to?  Have you been struggling to take off weight, whether ten pounds or a hundred, living your life “on or off” a diet?  If you’ve been living the life of diet, and that’s your solution, you’ll be 91 and still obsessing over what you ate at Thanksgiving dinner.

After working with thousands of clients and hearing stories that sounded way to similar to Mom’s, I knew that something in this environment is making it really hard for people to stay slender, and the solution is not another diet.  That’s just a temporary band-aid, but it’s not fixing the problem.  See the extra pounds aren’t the problem, they are the symptom.  The problem is a lifestyle that’s out of line with keeping a healthy body weight.

Ironically, I haven’t been able to help Mom, but I’ve helped a lot of other people through my one on one coaching.  I’ve changed my own life because of this, and I’ve changed other people’s lives.

The New Year has started, and I know that way too many people put weight loss on their list of New Year’s resolutions yet again. Are you one of them? I think that’s a mistake.  Rather than make a resolution, change your approach and make a plan!

Since that get together, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of how to reach way more than just my private coaching clients.  It has become my mission to teach as many people who I can, that going on a diet is not the answer, and it usually makes things worse!

If you want to lose weight and keep it off once and for all, you must give up the idea of finding the perfect diet.  Instead, begin to replace the idea of weight loss with eating for health and happiness.  Eat often and eat light.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied. Enjoy the foods that you know promote health and well-being, and keep sweets and junk food as an occasional indulgence, not a daily occurrence. Food is fuel, not a cure for boredom, anger, stress or loneliness.

Get clear on why it is important for you to take off the extra pounds.  Think about how carrying around the excess weight has been weighing you down not just physically, but emotionally.  Being relieved of the emotional burden, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and being able to have a normal relationship with food is a lot more motivating than fitting into skinny jeans.

Do the foundational work needed to achieve permanent weight loss before trying to change your food intake.  Determine your compelling motivators for change, explore your commitment and confidence level, prepare your environment and get support.  Permanent weight loss and a healthy relationship with food is possible, and worth striving for.  The answer is inside your heart, not inside the latest diet book, magic pill or drink.  You can do this, and I would love to help you.

Ellen Goldman created EnerG Coaching, LLC, to help people struggling with issues such as weight loss, stress management, getting in shape, life satisfaction, and other health related problems that can be affected by lifestyle changes. For information on her group coaching program, Mastering the Inner Game of Weight Loss, starting soon, or private coaching with Ellen,  please contact her at 973-535-8891 or ellen@EnerGcoaching.com

Acceptance is the key to any type of recovery.  Women often look to better themselves as if continuously trying to recover from the person that they are.  Identity Magazine’s EIC Susan Vernicek weighs in on the world of women when it comes to dieting, self-help books, and images.  Accept yourself now in order to be happier in the future.

By Susan Vernicek

You don’t need to look for greener grass. Three out of four women are unhappy with the way they look or feel and nine out of 10 women that answer our “I Love My” question without us guiding them, answer with a loving “family, kids, life,” etc. It is clear that women tie the way they feel to their circumstances and image. That’s why diet and self-help books are best sellers, and is the number one category for book retailers. Many of us women think we need to change ourselves in order to be happier. But, self-help programs aren’t the answer, at least not at first.

We must start with acceptance. Women can be happy with who they are without feeling the need to constantly change themselves and it begins with recognizing the traits that create our unique identities. I have mentored thousands of women to increase their confidence as the editor of Identity Magazine, and I suggest writing in a journal as the entry point to happiness. I believe writing is not only therapeutic, but a key to self discovery and becoming happier.

Susan Vernicek

Here are three simple tips to accept yourself through journal writing, even for those who are not writers.

1. Acknowledge Your Qualities: You must know who you are in order to accept yourself. Most self-esteem experts suggest listing out your best traits and the things you love. However, this can be a stumbling block for women who struggle with self-esteem. Instead, I advise you to dump it all out on paper – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-love is not about perfection or success. Your qualities make up the overall package of the things you are proud of, your failures, your personality traits, your quirks, and imperfections—mentally and physically. Knowing yourself inside and out is the first step to acceptance.

2. Release and Let Go: Each of us has had an experience that can affect the way we feel about ourselves, and deeply impact our self-esteem: harmful relationships, unhappy bosses, competitive friendships, a family at war, or even going up or down a size in jeans. I suggest you release and let go of these experiences, and remember, our experiences do not make up who we are. We can learn from them, but they shouldn’t define our identities. Simply releasing opens us up to accepting ourselves and our past situations.

3. Use what works:  Journaling doesn’t require a pen and paper or traditional journal at all. Find what works for you. If you are a computer person, sit with your laptop, if you are an extrovert, speak it out loud and video yourself! For talkers, buddy up with a close friend and chat it out. For those that are angst-filled and need to actively release, do something liberating like using lipstick to mark up your mirror with your thoughts.

I hope you find these first three steps valuable and consider taking action right now.

Ladies, It's time to be real and authentic. We all have weaknesses because we are NOT perfect.  If we were perfect, we all know how boring the world would be. Can you agree with me?  With that said, lets here what your weakness is.  Something you may be working on to improve, or something that you've accepted that you're just not the best at.  What is it?  ONE of my weaknesses is SINGING! I am so bad that I cringe when I sing. I love to sing and dance out loud too, but it's not one of my strengths. 

I say, share your not-so-perfect a$$ quality, or better yet, embrace your not-so-perfect a$$ because its part of your physical Identity!

Here are a few that were emailed anonymously.

Confession:

I stay in relationships because women want me to, even though I tell them that I want to break it off. Not surprisingly, this eventually turns out to be bad for everybody.

I'm Vincenzo.  I'm usually perfect. I'm good looking, have good biceps, abs, and everyone knows me. The thing I do that is not so perfect is cheat on all the girls I'm with.

Done something that you’re not proud of?
 You’re not perfect? In what way? Tell us and share with others.

“I love this topic nobody’s perfect. I have met many who think they are . We all make little no no’s in our life. Great web site I am enjoying it .” – Melinda

This issue you told us your not-so-perfect ways when it comes to your driving. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but It's nice to see so many of us express our bad driving and have a laugh at the same time!  

Let's make it a goal to practice safe driving in the future and those of you who submitted your photo, thank you! Now we all know who to watch out for Haha!

Done something that you’re not proud of?
 You’re not perfect? In what way? Tell us and share with others.

“I love this topic, nobody’s perfect. I have met many who think they are . We all make little no no’s in our life. Great web site I am enjoying it .” – Melinda

This issue you we found six women to share their "JetBlue" Moments. Feel free to be brave and add yours to the end!