By Ellen Goldman

I’m sad…

I’m about to share something very personal with you.  I’m compelled to do so.

Family gatherings and parties are some of my very favorite moments in life. I am truly blessed to have a large family of folks who truly admire and enjoy each other.  During the holiday season, we get together often.

After a day surrounded by loving family and loads of great food, I usually return home feeling enormously grateful and happy.  But this last time, something happened and I came home sad.

Cuddling on the couch after dinner with my Mom, she sighed and said, “I can’t wait for all these holidays to be over so I can go back to my diet.  I really want to loose ten pounds this year.  I’m making it my 2012 New Year’s Resolution!”

What!  This is crazy talk.  You see, Mom is turning 91 next month (don’t you dare tell her I told you) and I cannot believe she is still obsessing over her weight.  I’ve been listening to this on and off for as long as I can possibly remember.

My mom was the original Weight Watcher’s kid.  She was always on or off her diet.  Either being “bad” or “good” depending on what the number on the scale said that morning. It was exhausting to listen to, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for her.

I’m quite sure being exposed to this while growing up influenced my choice of careers, although I don’t think I realized that for many years to come.  But what I did realize was there had to be a better way to go through life.  I was not going to spend mine on and off diets, measuring my foods, feeling good about myself one day, and bad the next depending on my food choices.  Or shopping for clothing that “don’t make me look fat.”

And although I figured out a lifestyle that helps me maintain a healthy body weight, and I never go on a diet, Mom did not.  Clearly the extra pounds haven’t affected her longevity.  A few extra pounds don’t affect health as much as some perceive it to.  But what about the stress, the hardships it’s caused her and the emotional lost time?

Now don’t get me wrong…my mother is one of the most optimistic, energetic and dynamic woman you could ever meet.  But it saddens me to think about what this has cost her- stress, emotional energy, decreased self-esteem, aching knees and bad back due to the excess weight, not to mention the cost of the many diet programs and special foods purchased over the years.  More than anything, the thought of all those wasted moments of distress despite the smile she always shows the outside world   To think that those extra pounds could stand in the way of her seeing the totally amazing person she is!  Augh, it makes me want to scream.

Is this a story you can relate to?  Have you been struggling to take off weight, whether ten pounds or a hundred, living your life “on or off” a diet?  If you’ve been living the life of diet, and that’s your solution, you’ll be 91 and still obsessing over what you ate at Thanksgiving dinner.

After working with thousands of clients and hearing stories that sounded way to similar to Mom’s, I knew that something in this environment is making it really hard for people to stay slender, and the solution is not another diet.  That’s just a temporary band-aid, but it’s not fixing the problem.  See the extra pounds aren’t the problem, they are the symptom.  The problem is a lifestyle that’s out of line with keeping a healthy body weight.

Ironically, I haven’t been able to help Mom, but I’ve helped a lot of other people through my one on one coaching.  I’ve changed my own life because of this, and I’ve changed other people’s lives.

The New Year has started, and I know that way too many people put weight loss on their list of New Year’s resolutions yet again. Are you one of them? I think that’s a mistake.  Rather than make a resolution, change your approach and make a plan!

Since that get together, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of how to reach way more than just my private coaching clients.  It has become my mission to teach as many people who I can, that going on a diet is not the answer, and it usually makes things worse!

If you want to lose weight and keep it off once and for all, you must give up the idea of finding the perfect diet.  Instead, begin to replace the idea of weight loss with eating for health and happiness.  Eat often and eat light.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied. Enjoy the foods that you know promote health and well-being, and keep sweets and junk food as an occasional indulgence, not a daily occurrence. Food is fuel, not a cure for boredom, anger, stress or loneliness.

Get clear on why it is important for you to take off the extra pounds.  Think about how carrying around the excess weight has been weighing you down not just physically, but emotionally.  Being relieved of the emotional burden, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and being able to have a normal relationship with food is a lot more motivating than fitting into skinny jeans.

Do the foundational work needed to achieve permanent weight loss before trying to change your food intake.  Determine your compelling motivators for change, explore your commitment and confidence level, prepare your environment and get support.  Permanent weight loss and a healthy relationship with food is possible, and worth striving for.  The answer is inside your heart, not inside the latest diet book, magic pill or drink.  You can do this, and I would love to help you.

Ellen Goldman created EnerG Coaching, LLC, to help people struggling with issues such as weight loss, stress management, getting in shape, life satisfaction, and other health related problems that can be affected by lifestyle changes. For information on her group coaching program, Mastering the Inner Game of Weight Loss, starting soon, or private coaching with Ellen,  please contact her at 973-535-8891 or ellen@EnerGcoaching.com

Acceptance is the key to any type of recovery.  Women often look to better themselves as if continuously trying to recover from the person that they are.  Identity Magazine’s EIC Susan Vernicek weighs in on the world of women when it comes to dieting, self-help books, and images.  Accept yourself now in order to be happier in the future.

By Susan Vernicek

You don’t need to look for greener grass. Three out of four women are unhappy with the way they look or feel and nine out of 10 women that answer our “I Love My” question without us guiding them, answer with a loving “family, kids, life,” etc. It is clear that women tie the way they feel to their circumstances and image. That’s why diet and self-help books are best sellers, and is the number one category for book retailers. Many of us women think we need to change ourselves in order to be happier. But, self-help programs aren’t the answer, at least not at first.

We must start with acceptance. Women can be happy with who they are without feeling the need to constantly change themselves and it begins with recognizing the traits that create our unique identities. I have mentored thousands of women to increase their confidence as the editor of Identity Magazine, and I suggest writing in a journal as the entry point to happiness. I believe writing is not only therapeutic, but a key to self discovery and becoming happier.

Susan Vernicek

Here are three simple tips to accept yourself through journal writing, even for those who are not writers.

1. Acknowledge Your Qualities: You must know who you are in order to accept yourself. Most self-esteem experts suggest listing out your best traits and the things you love. However, this can be a stumbling block for women who struggle with self-esteem. Instead, I advise you to dump it all out on paper – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-love is not about perfection or success. Your qualities make up the overall package of the things you are proud of, your failures, your personality traits, your quirks, and imperfections—mentally and physically. Knowing yourself inside and out is the first step to acceptance.

2. Release and Let Go: Each of us has had an experience that can affect the way we feel about ourselves, and deeply impact our self-esteem: harmful relationships, unhappy bosses, competitive friendships, a family at war, or even going up or down a size in jeans. I suggest you release and let go of these experiences, and remember, our experiences do not make up who we are. We can learn from them, but they shouldn’t define our identities. Simply releasing opens us up to accepting ourselves and our past situations.

3. Use what works:  Journaling doesn’t require a pen and paper or traditional journal at all. Find what works for you. If you are a computer person, sit with your laptop, if you are an extrovert, speak it out loud and video yourself! For talkers, buddy up with a close friend and chat it out. For those that are angst-filled and need to actively release, do something liberating like using lipstick to mark up your mirror with your thoughts.

I hope you find these first three steps valuable and consider taking action right now.

Ladies, It's time to be real and authentic. We all have weaknesses because we are NOT perfect.  If we were perfect, we all know how boring the world would be. Can you agree with me?  With that said, lets here what your weakness is.  Something you may be working on to improve, or something that you've accepted that you're just not the best at.  What is it?  ONE of my weaknesses is SINGING! I am so bad that I cringe when I sing. I love to sing and dance out loud too, but it's not one of my strengths. 

1. Clear the Clutter

We all have weakness: I have what I call organized clutter. I can usually find what I am looking for within a matter of minutes, well maybe 20 minutes. I think I inherited a hoarding gene from my Dad. I just can't throw things away. I write notes on sheets of paper and they constantly pile up. I have to sort through 2 or 3 piles of paper to find something I need. Junk mail piles up as well because I don’t want to miss an opportunity (but I miss it anyway because I never look at it). It’s really SAD~ So I now have a note book to write things in and date each page and I stop at the trash can when I bring in the mail so junk mail never makes it into the house!

Thanks to: Denise DeBurst Gines of Lasting Legacies LLC.

2. Weakness for my Weaknesses!

We all have weakness: What weakness of mine do I work on today? Eating junk food? No. I worked on that yesterday. My parenting style, that's a good one for a Friday. Say NO to the kids three times today. What weakness is left? I must find a weakness and Google away, head to Barnes and Noble self help section and read and search. Yesterday I agonized over my varied careers. Tomorrow I'm sure I will find something else to work out, work on, and cross it off my weakness list. For now, I have a weakness for weaknesses!

Thanks to: Esther Litchfield-Fink of Litchfield Coaching.

3. Perfect Weakness

We all have weakness: Oh Lord it's hard to be humble...Can "Perfectness" be a weakness? I have this extreme sickness called "perfectionism" where I want to be perfect at everything. I'm pretty sure that it comes from feeling a little less important than other people and that I almost have to over-achieve to even be in the same room as "regular" people. In fact, it's taken me years to get to the point that I could admit I even had a weakness or an imperfection. My poor husband. Deep breath. Admitting weakness doesn't mean I'm imperfect...it means I'm human. Having humility doesn't mean one hates themselves...it means one acknowledges total reliance on God. So, thanks to a patient husband and a loving God, I'm here to say I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm perfectly imperfect. I'm perfectly okay with that.

Thanks to: Stephanie Petersen of Chef Tess Bakeresse.

4. Weakness to Say No

We all have weakness: I'm constantly saying yes to people. Whether it's to help somebody, run an errand, or whatever they need, I can't say no. I can be swamped, broke, busy, etc. I will pretty much say yes. It's starting to drive me crazy because I need to learn to say no when I have to say no. The bright side is that I'm pretty accountable for friends and family :).

Thanks to: Susan Vernicek of S&J Identity - Identity Magazine.

5. Inner Critic

We all have weakness: For as long as I can recall, I have had an extremely vocal inner critic that I have come to refer to as the chattering monkey mind. This simian saboteur shows up at all hours, sometimes rousing me from sleep with a litany of shoulda, woulda coulda's, who thrills to remind me that I am either too much or not enough of whatever it is I have believed I am supposed to be. She cackles that if I were 'all that and bag of chips' (where DID that metaphor come from anyway?) I would be writing for O Magazine (another dream into reality desire), be making a great deal more money for my creative work, as well as living with my Life Partner who I haven't even met. So persistent is she that even in the midst of something deliciously blissful, she won't allow for me to fully experience it.

Thanks to: Edie Weistein of Divine Design.

6. Stop the Clock

We all have weakness: Time management is definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. I'm a pro at biting off more than I can chew and freaking out when the clock doesn't bend to my will. I need to learn to be realistic about what I can truly take on without pulling my hair out and work out a system that fits my lifestyle and workload. Then all I need to do is discipline myself to stick to it and I'd be a lot less stressed out.

That...or learn to stop time. I'll add it to my to-do list.

Thanks to: Jessi Arias-Cooper of Mama's Got Flair.

7. Cooking

We all have weakness: I have saved numerous recipes for years (still do!) but I am finally getting to the point that I realize that I may not actually take up cooking to use them. I think taking cooking lessons would be fun but have other priorities. I envy friends who just take simple pleasure in cooking. I know cooking can be fun but so far I have not been motivated enough to cook these tempting dishes I've saved. In the interim, I muddle through the limited selection of things I cook and prefer to have someone else cook for me or to eat out!

Thanks to: Joy Pedersen of Express Success.

8. Talking as a Career

We all have weakness: One of my weaknesses is that I can carry on a conversation longer than almost anyone I know! I've become aware of it over the years and have learned to "Curb my enthusiasm."

I've actually turned that weakness into an asset by becoming an empowerment coach. That education not only trained me to listen more and talk less, but now I get paid to do what I love . . . talk to people I enjoy being around. It doesn't get better than that!!

Find the opportunity in the weakness and make it work for you!
Enjoy Life!
Barbara

Thanks to: Barbara Schmitt of Ansen Leadership Development.

9. In weakness, I am made strong!

We all have weakness:


My weakness is most seen when I become frustrated or impatient while I am trying to complete or accomplish a desired goal. In times like these I have learned to: Stop, Look & Listen!



I STOP focusing on my problems.
I LOOK for my possibilities and potential.
I Listen to my positive voice that strengthens me to stay the course.


♥ i val u ♥

Thanks to: Val McLeod of Conversations with V!.

10. In My Face!

We all have weakness: There is one weakness I really wish I could change, but if I changed I would not be me. Whenever I am engaged in conversation my facial expressions reveals my thoughts. When the dialouge is serious my face is serious, if the dialouge is humourous my face is light I can feel it, if the dialouge is dumb or boring that's in my face as well. I don't want to be such an easy read or offend people. Sometimes I put my hand over my mouth as to distort what's really in my face. Since I only have one face for now I guess all I can do is wish this were different but what I think is usually in my face.

Thanks to: LaVerne Mitchell of LaVerne Mitchell Ministries .

11. My son is my weakness

We all have weakness: Comedian Tammy Pescatelli - My life's experience had led me to believe that being girlie in this man's world was weak. (And let's face it; it's a man's world because if it wasn't seat belts would buckle in the crotch, like race car drivers- instead of cutting across your boobs like a bad pageant sash!). I worked hard to be outspoken, brash, ballsy. The best compliment I ever received after my show, someone said," You tell jokes like a dude!” Girls were weak. I was a BROAD!! Then I gave birth to my son....my knees buckled! The smell of his sleepy breath. The pudge on his little hand. His abject love for all Super Hero's led him one day to say to me, "Mommy you look just like Wonder Woman!" Okay, he's only 3 and probably amped up on Flintstones vitamins, but I will take it!

Thanks to: Andrea DeLesDernier of New Wave Dynamics .

12. Dance Like No One's Watching!

We all have weakness: Comedian Erikka Innes - I have no talent for dancing, but I love to dance anyway. I like swing, salsa, waltz, club dancing, anything where you get to shake it to music. Once I accepted I'm not the greatest at it, I started to have a lot more fun. I think it's actually relaxing to do something just because you like it, without feeling pressured to prove anything.

Thanks to: Anddrea DeLesDernier of New Wave Dynamics.

I say, share your not-so-perfect a$$ quality, or better yet, embrace your not-so-perfect a$$ because its part of your physical Identity!

Here are a few that were emailed anonymously.

Confession:

I stay in relationships because women want me to, even though I tell them that I want to break it off. Not surprisingly, this eventually turns out to be bad for everybody.

I'm Vincenzo.  I'm usually perfect. I'm good looking, have good biceps, abs, and everyone knows me. The thing I do that is not so perfect is cheat on all the girls I'm with.

Done something that you’re not proud of?
 You’re not perfect? In what way? Tell us and share with others.

“I love this topic nobody’s perfect. I have met many who think they are . We all make little no no’s in our life. Great web site I am enjoying it .” – Melinda

This issue you told us your not-so-perfect ways when it comes to your driving. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but It's nice to see so many of us express our bad driving and have a laugh at the same time!  

Let's make it a goal to practice safe driving in the future and those of you who submitted your photo, thank you! Now we all know who to watch out for Haha!

Done something that you’re not proud of?
 You’re not perfect? In what way? Tell us and share with others.

“I love this topic, nobody’s perfect. I have met many who think they are . We all make little no no’s in our life. Great web site I am enjoying it .” – Melinda

This issue you we found six women to share their "JetBlue" Moments. Feel free to be brave and add yours to the end!

What is your not-so-perfect way?

Done something that you're not proud of?
 You're not perfect? In what way? Tell us and share with others.

"I love this topic nobody's perfect. I have met many who think they are . We all make little no no's in our life. Great web site I am enjoying it ." – Melinda

This issue you told us your not-so-perfect ways when it comes to your career.  These are fantastic and I hope you walk away with a sigh of relief that you are not the only human being out there! We need to continue to share and embrace who we are!

1. I sleep in. Every day. Im rarely out of bed before 10 am. I run a celebrity gossip site thats a part of RealNetworks Film.com, and I have east-coast writers who I know are awake and doing a fantastic job working on the site. I know I should be awake, getting my workout in, cleaning the house, or responding to early-morning emails so that Ill have more time in the evening to focus on my job, but I just cant do it. I love sleeping in. I love laying on the bed with my puppy dog and my cats and just taking an extra hour or two to enjoy being lazy. I wish I could be a morning person, but Im not. Ive accepted that. -Sasha

2. In the title of Chapter 5 of my book, Comfort Living: A Back-to-Basics Guide to a More Balanced lifestyle, the "y" in "everyday" is missing… Which means my proofer isn't perfect either!  Also, my kids are 14 and 19 now – and most of our framed photographs are of them from elementary school and before – time to do some updating, but it's not the end of the world either! - Christine

3. We do try to be perfect don't we! I would say my one biggest flaw in my work is that I repeat myself. I have this feeling like I'm not always understood so I explain and explain again and I realize I am repeating myself. It's annoying when I notice I'm doing it so I can only imagine how annoying it is to the other person. -Sharmen

4. It takes me an extra week (sometimes two) to put my laundry away once it's folded._ (Shhh, don't tell too many people…LOL) Hope this helps women know that it's OK to be a little bit behind in an area or two. It's this "being behind" that's keeping me sane. Trust me. -Candi Meridith

5. My one HUGE imperfection: Getting easily distracted by personal emails when I am supposed to be doing my work! -Julie

6. Last week I was late to the kindergarten Mother's Day tea party because I was in a meeting and it ran late. The truth is, I am almost always late. In my business and throughout my professional career I have been a perfectionist (and frankly, it's paid off) but the one thing – despite a natural ability to organize – I can't do is get everywhere I need to be on time. I feel lame saying "sorry I am late" over and over again, but I continue to always be late. I think the 
reason is that I talk too much. Really, I invest a lot in each meeting/conversation, so my time schedule runs amok. Also, I do think that I try to do so much. Try to be in too many places to get more things done. I am really making an effort to schedule breaks between meetings so that I can
 decompress and allow for minor setbacks (or long conversations). -Jules

7. I am a single, working mom and was so proud of myself one morning. My daughter and I stayed with my sister a few miles out of town. It was winter and the next morning we woke up to snow, which didn't seem that bad, so I hurried my daughter to get ready for school, and I needed to attend an important business meeting. She was in 3rd grade at the time. So, feeling like Super Mom, I dropped my daughter off at school, watched her walk into the school, drove away and got to my meeting on time. I could do it all, I thought. 

I went to the meeting and when I came out I had 6 voice mails. Well, the weather was worse than I thought and school was closed that day. I had actually left my daughter alone with the janitor who was calling me to pick up my daughter. She was the only one at school! Not a Super Mom after all. – Paula

8. I work from home and run a business as a book coach: helping doctors, coaches, therapists, other health professionals and entrepreneurs write their nonfiction/how-to books and get published. My not-so-perfect way is that sometimes I put on a video or let my oldest play a video game in order to get some work done if I have a deadline. I don't feel great about it. The other thing is that sometimes I work into the night (midnight or 12:30 is usually the latest), but I'm grouchy the next day. It's often not worth it because of the grouchiness or needing a nap to make up for it. -Lisa

9. I have a lot of newsletters that I subscribe to. To don't, however, read them very often. They collect in a folder I've created for them called "Read Me". Periodically, when that folder gets too big, I hit the "Mark All As Read" button and give myself credit for "handling" it. 

I recently got audited on a series of tax years that had been the bane of my existence. After hiring five different people to do the books and having a computer virus eat the work I had done myself, I finally got them all turned in and thought I was done. Then the IRS audited me. So I had to go back and re-create the books again myself – since the last person I hired just dumped numbers in without a lot of documentation. I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to do all this work AGAIN. I couldn't think. I looked at the boxes of paperwork and my brain shut off. I couldn't even get myself to organize the boxes back into a reasonable order. I needed help. A well-placed plea for help got me through it as several friends came over and helped me get things straight again. After they gave me the push, I managed to dig through things from there. Moral of this story? Ask for help. – Kellie

10. As a reforming control freak (my daughter's description), I now work very hard to make good, solid decisions in a quick manner. This beats over analyzing and stretching the decision out for weeks on end. It is the difference between 'doing' and 'thinking about doing' something. Six months ago I opened my own real estate firm in northeast Iowa. Prior to opening, I literally spent two weeks trying to decide what type of printer/copier/fax machine to buy. A friend advised me that the brands I was considering were all good and had great warranties; that it would be best for me to 'pick one, already'. By doing so, I could be faxing, copying and scanning the next day! Or I could think about it some more – and delay having a tool which was crucial to my business. That perspective has helped me tremendously. I now make many decisions daily. I have posted on my bulletin board a quote I came across that really sums it up: I would rather regret what I did, than regret never having done anything! I truly believe that when I seem to be stuck in a holding pattern, it is best to shift and quickly make decisions that are 'good enough', so that I can take the actions which really move me and my business forward.-Barb