By Esther Joesph

Domestic violence is an aggressive confrontation between family or household members. These altercations involve physical injury, or the fear of physical harm, destruction of property, and sexual assault. These family units may include spouses or former spouses, current or ex-partners, relatives through blood or marriage, and those with birth or legal connections.

In 1992, The America Medical Association reported domestic violence as the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44. Three to four million women are beaten each year by their partner or spouse, one every 15 seconds. Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by their partners or ex-partners, 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year. A 1995 national study found that 31 percent of women surveyed admitted to having been physically assaulted by a husband or boyfriend.

Given these staggering statics, it would seem likely that almost everyone knows someone who is being physically abused in their home—they just don’t know it. Victims of domestic violence become experts at hiding their suffering and pretending as if nothing is wrong. They have to, because in most cases they are threatened with more abuse if they share their secret and expose their abusers. Since most abusers were abused themselves, they know how the cycle of abuse works and they become experts at intimidating their victims, convincing them that the abuse is their fault. As a result, abusers and victims appear friendly affable people in healthy relationships. But behind closed doors, the truth is revealed.

If you suspect someone is being abused, it is your responsibility to talk to them about your suspicions. But before you do, educate yourself on the subject, especially on the different types of abuse. And be sure to confirm your initial suspicion with more proof.

Here are some signs to look for:

Bruises—are the most obvious sign of abuse; victims usually try to hide them with makeup or clothing.

Clothing—take notice of change in clothing or unusual fashion choices that would allow marks or bruises to be hidden. For example, if they wear long sleeves during the dog days of summer.

Jealousy—victims may not say outright that they are being abused but might try telling in subtle ways. Something they may vent about issues in their relationship but stop short about talking about the abuse. Frequent talk about their partner’s temper or jealousy might be a tip-off.

Prepare yourself for the conversation because it may be unwelcomed and viewed as interfering. Know when to step back, if the person denies the allegation; simply express your concern and willingness to help. Approaching someone and bringing up the topic of abuse is difficult, but worth doing, as you might be saving a life.

Some myths and facts about domestic violence:

MYTH: Domestic violence is an epidemic only among the poor and uneducated.

FACT: Studies show that domestic violence occurs among all types of families, regardless of education, wealth, sexual orientation, and ethnicity. Lower income victims and abusers are indeed over-represented in the statistics, as they are the ones who seek public assistance and services.

MYTH: Only men are abusers.

FACT: According to the statistics and data of the Bureau of Justice, in 2003, 15 percent of reported victims of intimate partner violence were males. The Bureau believes that the number is greater since men often suffer physical abuse in silence for fear of shame and ridicule, therefore, most of the abuse might go unreported.

Esther Francis Joseph was born and raised on the tiny Caribbean island of Saint Lucia. She moved to the U.S. at the age of 16 with her mother and two older bothers. She holds a bachelor’s degree in international affairs from New York University. Her goal is to help others still in the grips of abuse and violence to break the cycle and find a way to a place of healing. She is author of the book Memories of Hell, Visions of Heaven—A Story of Survival Transformation and Hope (www.estherfrancisjoseph.com).

By Ellen Goldman

I’m sad…

I’m about to share something very personal with you.  I’m compelled to do so.

Family gatherings and parties are some of my very favorite moments in life. I am truly blessed to have a large family of folks who truly admire and enjoy each other.  During the holiday season, we get together often.

After a day surrounded by loving family and loads of great food, I usually return home feeling enormously grateful and happy.  But this last time, something happened and I came home sad.

Cuddling on the couch after dinner with my Mom, she sighed and said, “I can’t wait for all these holidays to be over so I can go back to my diet.  I really want to loose ten pounds this year.  I’m making it my 2012 New Year’s Resolution!”

What!  This is crazy talk.  You see, Mom is turning 91 next month (don’t you dare tell her I told you) and I cannot believe she is still obsessing over her weight.  I’ve been listening to this on and off for as long as I can possibly remember.

My mom was the original Weight Watcher’s kid.  She was always on or off her diet.  Either being “bad” or “good” depending on what the number on the scale said that morning. It was exhausting to listen to, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for her.

I’m quite sure being exposed to this while growing up influenced my choice of careers, although I don’t think I realized that for many years to come.  But what I did realize was there had to be a better way to go through life.  I was not going to spend mine on and off diets, measuring my foods, feeling good about myself one day, and bad the next depending on my food choices.  Or shopping for clothing that “don’t make me look fat.”

And although I figured out a lifestyle that helps me maintain a healthy body weight, and I never go on a diet, Mom did not.  Clearly the extra pounds haven’t affected her longevity.  A few extra pounds don’t affect health as much as some perceive it to.  But what about the stress, the hardships it’s caused her and the emotional lost time?

Now don’t get me wrong…my mother is one of the most optimistic, energetic and dynamic woman you could ever meet.  But it saddens me to think about what this has cost her- stress, emotional energy, decreased self-esteem, aching knees and bad back due to the excess weight, not to mention the cost of the many diet programs and special foods purchased over the years.  More than anything, the thought of all those wasted moments of distress despite the smile she always shows the outside world   To think that those extra pounds could stand in the way of her seeing the totally amazing person she is!  Augh, it makes me want to scream.

Is this a story you can relate to?  Have you been struggling to take off weight, whether ten pounds or a hundred, living your life “on or off” a diet?  If you’ve been living the life of diet, and that’s your solution, you’ll be 91 and still obsessing over what you ate at Thanksgiving dinner.

After working with thousands of clients and hearing stories that sounded way to similar to Mom’s, I knew that something in this environment is making it really hard for people to stay slender, and the solution is not another diet.  That’s just a temporary band-aid, but it’s not fixing the problem.  See the extra pounds aren’t the problem, they are the symptom.  The problem is a lifestyle that’s out of line with keeping a healthy body weight.

Ironically, I haven’t been able to help Mom, but I’ve helped a lot of other people through my one on one coaching.  I’ve changed my own life because of this, and I’ve changed other people’s lives.

The New Year has started, and I know that way too many people put weight loss on their list of New Year’s resolutions yet again. Are you one of them? I think that’s a mistake.  Rather than make a resolution, change your approach and make a plan!

Since that get together, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of how to reach way more than just my private coaching clients.  It has become my mission to teach as many people who I can, that going on a diet is not the answer, and it usually makes things worse!

If you want to lose weight and keep it off once and for all, you must give up the idea of finding the perfect diet.  Instead, begin to replace the idea of weight loss with eating for health and happiness.  Eat often and eat light.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied. Enjoy the foods that you know promote health and well-being, and keep sweets and junk food as an occasional indulgence, not a daily occurrence. Food is fuel, not a cure for boredom, anger, stress or loneliness.

Get clear on why it is important for you to take off the extra pounds.  Think about how carrying around the excess weight has been weighing you down not just physically, but emotionally.  Being relieved of the emotional burden, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and being able to have a normal relationship with food is a lot more motivating than fitting into skinny jeans.

Do the foundational work needed to achieve permanent weight loss before trying to change your food intake.  Determine your compelling motivators for change, explore your commitment and confidence level, prepare your environment and get support.  Permanent weight loss and a healthy relationship with food is possible, and worth striving for.  The answer is inside your heart, not inside the latest diet book, magic pill or drink.  You can do this, and I would love to help you.

Ellen Goldman created EnerG Coaching, LLC, to help people struggling with issues such as weight loss, stress management, getting in shape, life satisfaction, and other health related problems that can be affected by lifestyle changes. For information on her group coaching program, Mastering the Inner Game of Weight Loss, starting soon, or private coaching with Ellen,  please contact her at 973-535-8891 or ellen@EnerGcoaching.com

Acceptance is the key to any type of recovery.  Women often look to better themselves as if continuously trying to recover from the person that they are.  Identity Magazine’s EIC Susan Vernicek weighs in on the world of women when it comes to dieting, self-help books, and images.  Accept yourself now in order to be happier in the future.

By Susan Vernicek

You don’t need to look for greener grass. Three out of four women are unhappy with the way they look or feel and nine out of 10 women that answer our “I Love My” question without us guiding them, answer with a loving “family, kids, life,” etc. It is clear that women tie the way they feel to their circumstances and image. That’s why diet and self-help books are best sellers, and is the number one category for book retailers. Many of us women think we need to change ourselves in order to be happier. But, self-help programs aren’t the answer, at least not at first.

We must start with acceptance. Women can be happy with who they are without feeling the need to constantly change themselves and it begins with recognizing the traits that create our unique identities. I have mentored thousands of women to increase their confidence as the editor of Identity Magazine, and I suggest writing in a journal as the entry point to happiness. I believe writing is not only therapeutic, but a key to self discovery and becoming happier.

Susan Vernicek

Here are three simple tips to accept yourself through journal writing, even for those who are not writers.

1. Acknowledge Your Qualities: You must know who you are in order to accept yourself. Most self-esteem experts suggest listing out your best traits and the things you love. However, this can be a stumbling block for women who struggle with self-esteem. Instead, I advise you to dump it all out on paper – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-love is not about perfection or success. Your qualities make up the overall package of the things you are proud of, your failures, your personality traits, your quirks, and imperfections—mentally and physically. Knowing yourself inside and out is the first step to acceptance.

2. Release and Let Go: Each of us has had an experience that can affect the way we feel about ourselves, and deeply impact our self-esteem: harmful relationships, unhappy bosses, competitive friendships, a family at war, or even going up or down a size in jeans. I suggest you release and let go of these experiences, and remember, our experiences do not make up who we are. We can learn from them, but they shouldn’t define our identities. Simply releasing opens us up to accepting ourselves and our past situations.

3. Use what works:  Journaling doesn’t require a pen and paper or traditional journal at all. Find what works for you. If you are a computer person, sit with your laptop, if you are an extrovert, speak it out loud and video yourself! For talkers, buddy up with a close friend and chat it out. For those that are angst-filled and need to actively release, do something liberating like using lipstick to mark up your mirror with your thoughts.

I hope you find these first three steps valuable and consider taking action right now.

By Jen Hancock

One red flag is too many red flags. If a red flag goes off, it is going off for a reason. Ignore it at your own risk.

To quote from my book: “A healthy relationship is predicated on both parties being compassionate, ethical and responsible. If one of those traits is missing, there will be trouble in paradise.”

A bad relationship is someone who is harmful for you to be around. I list seven particular bad sorts of people that, if you meet them, you should run away from as fast as possible.

1. Insane. The most important thing that is needed for a health relationship is for the people involved to be healthy. If one is seriously mentally ill, you are going to have a difficult relationship. If you want to put in the effort, go for it, but it’s going to take a lot of work and depending on the mental illness, could actually be dangerous.
2. Drama Queens and Kings. If the person has a regularly scheduled weekly or bi-weekly freak out over whatever is wrong with their life this week, it isn’t going to get better. You need to decide if you can live with the drama or not.
3. First Date Confessions. Most people who have problems will tell you everything that is wrong with them on your first date. Troubled people love talking about their problems and most have impulse control problems so they can’t help themselves. Take what people say seriously. If they say they are dealing with a drug problem, they really are.
4. Bad Boys and Poison Women. Beware of people exuding magnetic sexual attraction. It may be exciting to be wanted by someone who wants you in such a raw animal manner, but all this person can offer is sex. It usually isn’t very good sex, because they are too self-absorbed to make a great partner. Though you will learn some new tricks and positions, it comes at the cost of a very narcissistic personality and the potential for STIs. Swingers who aren’t mentally unstable do not come off as magnetically sexually attractive – they just don’t. This isn’t a matter of sexual activity as much as it is a matter of sexually magnetic narcissism.
5. Basic Maintenance issues. If someone can’t seem to find housing, transportation and is always between jobs, they aren’t able to cope with the basic fundamentals of life. Unless you want to be a sugar daddy or mama steer clear. And for the record, sugar daddies and mamas don’t take people so incompetent on. They can’t be helped, don’t try.
6. Fool Rushing In. Sane people take their time in getting to know other people. If you meet someone who on first meeting has declared themselves head over heels in love with you, be afraid. Be very afraid. It isn’t normal. It isn’t flattering. They may be sincere, but by pressing for a commitment so fast, what they are really doing is hoping you will commit to them before you find out how insane they are.
7. Anger management. If someone can’t control their anger, they are dangerous to be around. This isn’t something you can work through. If they blow up at a stranger on a first date, or at you, they can’t control their behavior and emotions enough to even behave civilized for a couple of hours. This is the biggest red flag and the most dangerous one. Unless you like being emotionally and physically abused, avoid angry people.

Jen is the author of The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom. Please visit her website http://happiness.jen-hancock.com for more information.

By Kimberly Elmore

Two years? I can’t believe it’s almost been two years.

My mom went into the hospital on September 23, entered hospice on October 15, and on October 25, 2009 (six days after her 57th birthday) she passed away after fighting lung cancer for almost four years. If you’ve ever watched a loved one die, then you know it’s one of the hardest, if not the hardest, life experiences to go through. And, to have to go through this type of loss at such a young age (I was 29), makes the experience have a different kind of pain associated with it.

My mom and I have been robbed of spending many more years together. She won’t be at my wedding or become a grandmother. What hurts the most though, is that she’s no longer a part of my daily life. I miss talking to her. I miss having her as a best friend and confidant. I miss her laugh. I miss how she wore a ring on every finger and how her finger nails were always painted! Most of all, I miss her unconditional love.

Some people may think that as time goes on the pain goes away. Reality is the pain never goes away; it just changes. The pain isn’t as sharp as it used to be nor is it as easily accessible, which sometimes causes me to feel guilty (although I know, rationally, that doesn’t mean I miss her any less). I’ve learned to live with the permanent ache – the void.

There are times my mind wanders back to the hospice and her last days. Watching her gradually slip away, just laying in a hospital bed, struggling to breathe, no longer responsive – saying good-bye to her each night for four days in case she happened to pass by the next morning. Although my pain is no longer bubbling at the surface, it’s still there – I carry it like a scar.  Just writing this article brings me back to that time – the lump in my throat returns.

I’ve come a long way since that time, though. After my mom died, I felt lost. I’d think, “Who will love me like my mom?” I had to accept that the answer to that question was no one. I had to teach myself how to live without her unwavering support, which is a difficult task; one that’s hard to put into words. My mom had been a constant in my life from the moment I was conceived. And, all of a sudden, poof, she was gone.”

No more visits to the doctor, no more chemotherapy, and no more PET and CAT scans every three months to agonize over – that had become a normalcy for me and my family and now it was all over. I thought, “There’s nothing to fight for anymore. Now what?”

For the majority of that first year after my mom’s passing, I’d have many moments of questioning the point of life. Why do some people live to be 90 while others’ lives are cut short? That saying, “Life is good” annoyed me. Is life really that good? These were the kinds of thoughts I would have.

People say the first year of grief is the hardest, and I guess there’s truth to that. I used to get annoyed when people would tell me that. I’d think, “Oh, that’s it? Just one year and it suddenly gets better?” I think the better way to phrase that statement is: the first year of grief is the most challenging as far as adjusting goes. For me, it took a year to adjust to my “new normal.”

Reflecting on that first year, my initial reaction is, “WTF happened?” It has been a tough road. Not only because I was dealing with my mom’s death but because other life-changing events occurred shortly after my mom died. My grief became interrupted. I couldn’t grieve the way I wanted to – there were distractions that compounded my feelings.

In addition to dealing with my own feelings, I worried about my brother whose coping mechanisms are unhealthy and had to figure out how to manage my relationship with my father. Plus, our family dynamic changed drastically. My mom was the glue and suddenly we, including my extended family, became (and still are) like separate islands. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have much of a family bond anymore – luckily I have friends who have extended themselves and their families to me.

My brother struggled with guilt after my mom died, and he continues with that struggle today. He’s realized he made poor choices that disappointed our mom – and the finality of her death made him recognize he couldn’t make right what had gone wrong. To have to live with that type of guilt must be incredibly hard. I worry for my brother – to have to carry this type of burden. I admire him for putting one foot in front of the other and going forward to the best of his ability.

My father was (is) a challenging person. My heart was broken several times because conversations I had with him didn’t meet my expectations. His actions and selfishness caused me a lot of pain. I owe my father thanks, though, because it is he who truly taught me how to forgive. It took me almost two years to forgive him, but I did it – not for him, but for myself. The only person my anger was hurting was me. It took me a long time to learn this. What’s that saying? Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. It really is much easier to stay angry than to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

Other people let me down during this process as well. Those I thought would be there at the end of my mom’s life weren’t. Those I thought would be more of a support system were and are noticeably not present.  In time, I was able to reframe this experience. I know that these people were/are not noticeably absent because of malicious reasons. I view it, instead, as another life lesson in forgiveness.

I’m grateful for my friends who were (and are) there for me more so than my family members. They came to the hospice often and brought me clothes, food, magazines, and laughter. I learned the power of friendship during this time, as well as the fact that family isn’t necessarily blood-related. As sad and scary as death is, my mom’s hospice room was often filled with laughter. She had countless friends come and sit with her, hold her hand, and reminisce. It is then when I truly learned (or should I say witnessed) what the sign of a good life lived is. It’s in the quality of our relationships with others.

I had to deal with the anger I felt towards my mom. I was mad at her for smoking – because her poor choice, her addiction, is what took her from me all too soon. Some people get cancer and there’s no concrete reason why, but with my mom, we all knew why. I had to figure out a way to make peace with my anger without being able to discuss it with my mom. It’s a difficult thing to accomplish.

Then, four and half months after my mom passed away, something else happened that I wished I could have discussed with my mom. I found out I had a 40-year old half brother from my father. My dad told me by handing me a picture and saying, “Here’s a photo of your half brother.” Of course I had tons of questions, not many he was able to answer. From what I gathered, my dad knew of his existence all these years, but chose not to be a part of his life. My “half brother’s” cousin found my dad on Facebook and the rest is history. My dad threw himself into this other “family.” My brother and I felt like we had been replaced.

My entire world as I knew it changed when my mom died and now it had changed again. I kept thinking, “What’s happened to my life?”

Four months after this revelation, a close family friend decided to make a series of hurtful decisions. This person made these choices during the height of everyone’s grief – a kick-a-wounded-horse-while-he’s-down kind of thing – and it’s because of that lack of empathy that I no longer have a relationship with this person. To better cope with this experience, after several agonizing months, I reframed it into yet another life lesson. I thank this person, too. Because through this experience, I learned the true value of, “Do unto others, as you would want others to do unto you.” In other words, BE NICE. Sometimes doing what’s right is different from what we want to do. Do what’s right – in the end you’ll feel better about yourself. Doing what you want may provide temporary satisfaction; doing what’s right builds character.

Many of these grief interruptions, as I’ve coined them, were blessings in disguise. While I was going through them, I was pissed – I’m not going to sugar coat that. My emotions were all over the place, and at times I thought, “Is this what a breakdown feels like?” As time has gone on, I’ve come to realize that all these experiences have made me a better, stronger person. I now do my best to focus on what’s really important in life: nurturing personal relationships, appreciating those who lift you up and letting go of those who do not, taking the high road no matter how tempting it is to return spitefulness with spitefulness, the power of an apology, living in the present, and last but not least the freedom that comes with truly forgiving.

Over the past two years, I’ve weathered through some sad, tough, life-changing experiences, so sometimes I have to dig deep to offer up compassion for people who are clueless (or perhaps ignorant) to what real tragedy is. I don’t mean for that to come across as self righteous – that’s not my intention at all. No matter what, remember someone out there has it worse than you. I do my best to focus on what I have, instead of dwelling on what I no longer have. If you think you’re having a bad day, go visit a hospice or cancer center. Life is a matter of perspective, right?

The one life event that helped me “snap” out of my pit of sadness (and anger) was the birth of my goddaughter, Natalie. The first time I held her (anytime I’m in her company, really), feelings of joy came over me – it’s hard to explain. But in that moment I thought, “Life is good”; there is a reason for it. I recently read a quote, “The soul is healed by being with children,” and I believe that is true. Children, by merely existing, teach the rest of us that life must and does go on.

As the second anniversary of my mom’s death approaches, I feel stronger, wiser, and more secure than I have in a long time. I miss my mom now more than ever – that feeling, I’ve accepted, will never fade. I struggled with how to reframe this entire experience to not come out of it being a bitter person. I remember after my mom’s parents died, she became bitter. I didn’t want that same experience for myself. After all, we cannot control what happens; we can only control our reaction to what happens. I didn’t want my experiences to define the person I was becoming; I wanted the person I was becoming to be defined by the awareness I gained through my experiences.

Don’t get me wrong, I have days when I slip up, make mistakes – but I do my best. And on days that are extra hard, I remind myself that my mom would want me to go on and be happy. So I do my best each day; for myself and as a tribute to my mom.

“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”  ~Author Unknown

The media is our everyday messenger. Many of us rely on the media for our everyday news needs, gossip needs, and resource needs.

I wanted to share this very important message and documentary by Miss Representation (www.missrepresentation.org) with you because it affects you whether you realize it or not.

I have submerged myself in overall mental wellness for the past 6 years and I was shocked with some of these statistics and how our society really isn’t moving forward as a whole.

I know how bad the media is, that’s why I don’t indulge in it and I pick and choose what I see, hear and who I hang with.  I surround myself with positive people to keep me in the positive zone and not be corrupted by the media.

I’m moving forward, my friends are moving forward, but what about those around us?  I need to push more and help spread this message and mission.

Please take a look at this trailer and please watch the movie TONIGHT. Miss Representation premieres on OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network TONIGHT – Thursday,October 20, 2011,at 9/8c (check your provider, find your local OWN channel here)

MissRepresentation.org is a call-to-action campaign that seeks to empower women and girls to challenge limiting labels in order to realize their potential, and to encourage men and boys to stand up to sexism. Start now and take action

Tell us, how do you define self-esteem? Please feel free to submit your comments below.

1.

The definition of Self-Esteem: Self-esteem is being completely conscious of and fully connected to the...
Value you bring
Abundance you have &
Love you give!

♥ i val u ♥

Thanks to: Val McLeod of Conversations with V!.

2. Realize Who You Are

The definition of Self-Esteem: There is a direct correlation between the quality of our relationships and our levels of self-esteem and self-confidence. If we are like most people, how we feel about ourselves, good or bad, is largely dependent upon the degree of acceptance we have felt from the influential people in our lives.

As adults, self-esteem is a choice. You can learn to depend on yourself for you own success and your own happiness. When you are able to express your uniqueness, you will feel more complete. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and focus on what you want to become. When you learn to take care of you, your self-esteem will grow.

Thanks to: Judi Moreo of Turning Point International.

3. Amour-Propre or Amour de soi!

The definition of Self-Esteem: At some point in my life, the importance of how other's viewed me as a person: wife, mother, employee, maybe even as a daughter, defined my self-esteem and I was Amour-Propre. If I was a good wife, then my self-esteem would be positive; my house clean, I looked good, etc. Then came a change in circumstances in my life. Everything I did seemed wrong to others, so my self-esteem was worsening.

Amour de soi meant redefining that sense of self to find the courage to stand alone, develop myself from within without regard to how others perceived me. Being confident in my own skin, embrace that I can make mistakes and learn from them are two examples of how I show I now have positive self-esteem. The real test is looking in the mirror and being able to smile at the person smiling back at me.

Thanks to: Bette Lancaster of Self.

4. Good Health, Good Confidence

The definition of Self-Esteem: Feeling good about you, because you make good choices! (Especially when it comes to your health.) Nothing feels better than doing the right thing for you and your family, both physically and emotionally. Get started by finding out how to make daily living choices that will reduce toxicity and leave you feeling happy, healthy, energetic, and, most importantly,confident! Be able to be proud of the choices you make and of how your good choices can influence others to do the same. My confidence soars when someone tells me how much my book has helped them to start making good choices, affordably and effectively. I feel empowered and know that I have choice in my life and can give that to others. Not only does reaching out feel good, it is a reminder of how much good one person can do.

Thanks to: Stephanie Lalosh of Stephanie S. Lalosh.

5. Self-esteem; a state of being

The definition of Self-Esteem: "Ideally, I think self-esteem is a state of being where you feel good about yourself and your accomplishments without needing to compare yourself to everyone else. It’s not an easy place to get to, or stay in, but the best times in my life always occur when I stop looking to other people to decide how I measure up. If you believe in yourself, focus on accomplishing things you like and surrounding yourself with people you like, that’s really all you need." -
Erikka Innes, Comedian.

Thanks to: Andrea DeLesDernier of New Wave Dynamics.

6. Why Positivity Has Helped Me!

The definition of Self-Esteem: I've learned self esteem is not based on others’ opinions, having the latest fashion style, or even being recognized as a top leader in your field. It’s not about the number on the scales or in your bank account. Self esteem comes from within and only you can change your outlook on life by accepting who you are, scars and all. One of my greatest assets has been turning my negative attitude into “positivity”. Your attitude plays a big part in who you are and what you think about others and yourself. You must have a positive attitude to improve self esteem. As a result, I’ve made it my goal in everything I do from work to my personal life to touch the lives of others empowering them to see the good in life, feel good about themselves, and achieve personal happiness and success.

Thanks to: Amy Pedersen of Slimpressions.

7. Walk In Like You Own The Joint

The definition of Self-Esteem: My wise mother. who died November, 2011, shared this instruction with me throughout my life: "Walk in like you own the joint.", with head held high, good eye contact and confident stance and I added with a grin: "knockers up." When I do this, almost nothing and no one can intimidate me. Self esteem is about honoring the person in the mirror, seeing the highest in her or him, treating that one like a beloved friend, deserving of respect and love. It is about being more comfortable in my own skin (a work in progress)It is a sense of being in integrity, so that at the end of the day, I can be at ease with my choices. It is about bringing into my life, loving people, wonderful opportunities and unmitigated joy. When I treat myself that way,I give permission for others to as well.

Thanks to: Edie Weinstein of By Divine Design.

8. Accept Self-Esteem

The definition of Self-Esteem: I think about self-esteem every, single day. It comes in all forms, physically and mentally. At this moment, I want to say it starts with acceptance. Accepting who you are, your mind, your body, your life. Not settling, but owning it now. Accepting that first will make you a little stronger and taller to take the next step towards your goal for self-esteem. If you don't accept to welcome the self-esteem, you won't get it. Read about self-esteem, read these definitions by our experts, and soak it in for you to really understand, believe and embrace the feeling of confidence in your life. Take it day by day, one breathe at a time!

Thanks to: Susan Vernicek of Identity Magazine.

By Donna

After losing my 31-year-old daughter to cancer, I truly learned that there are some things in life you cannot change even if you work hard, love greatly, and are the most positive upbeat person you know.

Until I accepted I did not control my life or anyone else’s, I prided myself on my ability to change my mind, my approach, or whatever was required in any given moment to survive. In fact for most of my life, I turned on a dime when necessary and did a phoenix-rising-from-the ashes routine with the grace of prima ballerina dipping and twirling to Swan Lake. I honestly thought I knew what it meant to accept change until I saw someone I loved make the ultimate one and leave this world.

My daughter died in June of 2010 and in August I finished my first novel. Even though it was a romance like my other work, that first book was a tough story full of mysticism, philosophy, and large soul-searching questions about life after death. I wrote what I needed or wanted to believe was possible. It was cathartic to write, but it’s still in my desk drawer. Why? I decided that there were enough tough stories out there. I decided that I wanted to make people laugh. Life is hard and terribly short for many people. I decided that if I was really going to earn a living from writing, I would give people the best few hours I could in their life with a story that would be entertaining, full of fun, incredibly sexy, and ultimately uplifting. At least this was my hope.

Now I get empty faster and the negative space inside me isn’t so easily filled up anymore. Fortunately after a year of caring for her followed by another year grieving her death, I am finding that life does goes on just like everyone says, even when you’re not sure how it’s doing so. Maybe that’s why I am drawn to hopeful stories about people going through change. I’ve become the person standing in line to see the sappy movie with the happy ending over and over because I accept that I personally don’t have all the answers. I understand now that I need the help of others to show me the way.

Some six novels and a year later, I think I have done that. My first series of four books features older characters between 40 and 50 years old. Their stories are all about starting over in life, about changing, about accepting. The heroes of two of the four books are dealing with the loss of a wife to cancer. I can’t avoid reality, but I don’t dwell on their pain. Instead I show them finding love again. I show the best result of change. Though I have accepted I cannot control real life, I am happy that in my writing I can control the world of my characters and make sure they get a happy ending no matter what.

To find out more about Donna, please visit her website www.donnamcdonaldauthor.com.

Identity readers tell us what they accept in their lives and within themselves. What have you accepted?

I’ve learned to accept that what I desire in a partner will not change. So adjusting to make someone fit into my life is not advantageous for either party. -Jennifer

I have accepted my curves, In the very image-conscious world of public relations in Los Angeles, I have finally accepted I will never be stick thin. Once I accepted my extra pounds and decided not to let outside pressures change my self image I have realized people respond to my confidence and my business is growing. -Stacy

I have accepted that a super clean house is highly overrated. No woman will have on her grave marker, “Here Lies the Best Housewife in the World.” -Fran

I accept my curvy hips, long face and big lips. They are what make me who I am. -Lorneth

I have accepted that I cannot control every situation. -Meagan

I accept that I am not in control of anyone but myself. -Allison

I accept that in order for me to move forward with my daily routine of working out, I have to take responsibility and stop making excuses. There are no excuses. Act and do already! - Susan

By Linda

As a teenager in the 1960’s, I loved watching a Breck shampoo television commercial, in which a beautiful girl would swing her gorgeous long hair side to side in slow motion, the camera capturing a glorious waterfall of thick, glossy, healthy hair. I was very proud of what I considered to be my best asset; my own shiny, long brown hair, and I used to practice that same move in front of my bathroom mirror, knowing that my hair was pretty enough to qualify for a Breck commercial.   I fantasized that some day I might be ‘discovered’ and would become a Breck Girl myself.  That fantasy came to a screeching halt when I began losing my hair in 1964 at the age of 16, a few months into my junior year of high school in Pacifica, Cali.

I had just entered Terra Nova High the year before, after having spent all my childhood moving around the state of Kansas and California. I was the second oldest of eight children, born to parents with wanderlust who were not interested in nurturing their large brood.  Our life, to me, was not normal.  With low self-esteem, I always felt shy and reluctantly endured being the new kid in the succession of schools I attended, trying very hard not to be noticed. I wanted to be invisible, and was careful never to draw attention to myself.

When my family bought our first home in Pacifica in 1963, I knew that we would not be moving for awhile, and I decided to avail myself of  the opportunities my new school offered in a way that I never had before.  I joined clubs, vocal groups, and even the Pom Pom squad.  I started to feel that, finally, I belonged. I was making friends, and I realized that it was fun to be noticed.  I began to feel like a normal kid for the first time in my life.

Once my hair began to fall out, I wanted to be invisible again.  I crept back into the little shell that I had lived in all during my childhood.  I stopped making eye contact, and quit the clubs, vocal groups and did not try out for Pom Pom for a second season.   I knew I was on my own when I tried to tell my mother what was happening to my hair. She turned away from me and said, “That’s ridiculous. Women don’t lose their hair! Get your ironing done!” I was sad, lonely and felt like a freak.

I skipped college and immediately got a job after graduating, so that I could afford to visit doctor after doctor, hoping to find the cause of, and cure for, my hair loss.  I spent much of my time crying, raging and being in denial about what was happening to me.  After searching unsuccessfully for decades to find the right doctor, the right meds, the right kind of shampoo to cure my problem, I finally found a doctor who diagnosed me correctly.

I was 35, and had been married for about 9 years when I was told that I had inherited the female version of male pattern baldness, called Androgenetic Alopecia. The doctor said that not only would my hair never come back, but it would continue to shed until my entire scalp was visible and no amount of ‘comb overs’ would camouflage the thinning.  “But,” he said with a grin, “at least you know it isn’t life threatening.”  I was devastated.   Having female pattern baldness was, to me at least, quality-of-life-threatening.  This news was especially hard to accept since I had always assumed I’d find some medication or treatment which would bring back my glorious hair; the one asset I had, of which I had been so proud.

After the diagnosis, I spent several months in a deep depression and my fear of being around people became almost phobic. One day, however, I woke up and realized I was tired of the tears. I was tired of ‘living my hair loss.’  For years, I had been told by people very close to me that I was being vain and shallow for crying about my hair and I felt very guilty that it had bothered me so much.   I took a deep breath and decided to find a way to live with my condition.  It was too exhausting and demoralizing to continue crying and grieving over something I could not change.

About that time, my husband suggested I start wearing a wig.  Although it was a shock at first, and I was offended at his suggestion, it did make me think and it got the ‘ball rolling’ towards acceptance of my condition.  My wonderful mother-in-law generously offered to buy me a beautiful hair piece and soon after, I met a sweet woman about my age with the same hair loss condition.  She and I began to search for information and options and together found a fabulous hairpiece and an equally fabulous stylist named Charle Dewitt.

After Charle styled my hair piece, it was apparent that she and I had a great rapport, and I began working with her in the hair replacement industry, consulting with other women who were also losing their hair.  Several of Charle’s clients were breast cancer patients, and I can’t even count the number of times a woman with breast cancer would tell me that losing a breast was not such a big deal, but losing their hair to the chemotherapy treatments was devastating.  Those comments did two things for me; one, they validated how traumatic hair loss is, and two; they helped me realize that being devastated about your hair loss is perfectly normal.  These women helped me feel good about myself again.  I felt vindicated for the anguish my hair had caused me, and it felt wonderful to let go of the guilt, and start to feel ‘whole’ again.

It was satisfying to work with women who were distraught about their hair, offering them the support, nurturing, and understanding that I had not been given when I went through my own hair loss. My mother could not talk about what I had experienced, and of course could not offer me any kind of support, emotional or otherwise. Years later,  she literally scampered  from the room when I started to remove my hair piece, hovering in the hallway, then asking in a quivery little voice whether it was ‘safe’ (i.e., had I covered up my thin hair so that she would not have to see it?)  to return to the room. I think she must have thought I was contagious.  It’s a good thing I had long since gotten over feeling like a freak!

I have made women’s hair loss a kind of calling.  Several years ago, I was invited to appear on the Today Show, and was interviewed by Katie Couric, who asked me on national television how it felt to be called ‘baldy’ by my best friend in high school.  Quite a cathartic experience!  I am currently writing a book entitled “Coping with Chronic Bad Hair Day”, and have recently signed up to be a general volunteer for the American Cancer Society’s “Look Good, Feel Better” program.

I have also designed a line of headwraps and accessories for women who have lost their hair, and I often communicate via email or face to face consultation with cancer patients and women with any type of hair loss.  In addition, I write a blog entitled “Alopecia Musings” about the emotional ramifications of hair loss.

Accepting my hair loss taught me to appreciate what I have, what I’ve done, and who I have become.  I’m a lucky woman.

See how Linda answers our Identity Five Questions:

What have you accepted within yourself and/or within your life?

I have learned to accept the fact that my hair fell out (at age 16), and I will be wearing a hair piece or some type of head covering for the rest of my life.  Throughout my life, I have used  coping techniques that I developed for myself during my teen years to deal with any upheavals in my life.

What do you appreciate about yourself or your life?

I am the second oldest of eight children born to parents who were dysfunctional, nomadic, and not at all interested in raising and/or nurturing their children.  I appreciate my life now, which is stable with a loving husband and a brilliant child who is a recent college graduate. I get vicarious enjoyment out of the kind of secure upbringing my husband and I were able to give our child.

What have you achieved, or what are you working to achieve personally, physically, or mentally?

I have made women’s hair loss a kind of calling.  I  think that having lost my hair at such a young age has  made me an empathetic person who is always looking for ways to help solve troublesome issues that others are experiencing. I  write a blog on the emotional ramifications of women’s hair loss (headwrapguru.blogspot.com). I also started a home-based business offering the headwraps and accessories I have designed especially for women with any type hair loss. My “Headwrap of Marin” collection (available on www.ninisniche.etsy.com) has been called ‘a work of art’, and ‘couture.’  A frequent customer writes to me ‘Linda, I love everything you do!’  This makes me incredibly proud! I was given an opportunity when I lost my hair. Wwhen life handed me a lemon, I made lemonade!

What is your not-so-perfect way? We are all unique with quirks and imperfections, so why not flaunt them and embrace them!

When I am working on wonderful designs and new ideas  for items to add to my Etsy shop, my working style could only be described as messy and  ‘chaotic.’  But that’s OK, because out of the chaos comes creativity!

How would you complete this sentence, “I Love My…”
This has to be about you, physically or mentally. 

I love my ability to think outside the box, my creativity,  and my high energy level.  I love my positive attitude, my tenacity, and the fact that I’ve gone from being a shy introvert to being a woman with something to say, who’s not afraid to say it (with tact and diplomacy, of course!).