By Suzanne Pantazis

Yes, there was a time when I did not appreciate myself, for the simple reason that I was overweight. It didn’t matter that I was hardworking, successful, honest, ethical, highly respected in my community, and a loving devoted mother. All that mattered was that I was fat. I felt inadequate because of my obesity. I felt that there was something wrong with me because I could not achieve what most people seemed to do effortlessly, which was to be a normal healthy weight.  I used food to stuff down my emotions, rather than learning to stand up for myself and to love and appreciate myself.

I remember asking myself one day…” How come, I can make sure that my family gets plenty of rest, exercise, eats breakfast, packs a lunch etc., but I don’t do that for myself?” I usually was running around by the seat of my pants, making sure that everyone else was looked after except for me. I realized that I needed to appreciate myself and take the time to look after myself or I would be so unhealthy that I would not be able to look after anyone and I would eventually become a burden on others.

I Had To Learn To Appreciate Myself For Who I Was

I went through a complete body, mind and spirit makeover. During this process, I eventually lost 100 pounds. I had to learn to love myself for who I was and not for what I looked like. I had to rebuild my self-esteem. I had to learn to say “No” and quit allowing others to treat me like a doormat because I somehow felt inferior because I was overweight. I had suffered in a bad marriage for many years because I felt like no one else would want me because I was fat.

I remember the day very specifically when I finally stood up for myself and started appreciating myself. My husband at the time, had a dog, but it was always understood that this was his dog. I wanted to get a dog of my own, so I finally went out a got a little bijon shitzu. I was so happy when I returned home with my little puppy , but when I came home, my husband through a tantrum and told me that it was either going to be Him or the dog. I calmly told him, that I choose the dog.  That was a turning point in my life. I realized that I didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly just because I had a few extra pounds. 

Appreciate Your Beauty

I started to appreciate how beautiful of a person I was and I have never looked back since. I have left that unhappy marriage, I have learned how to say “No”, I have found a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated and I am living each day to the fullest.

Now, I have decided to coach others who are struggling with the weight of self-confidence issues and I have written a book on health and happiness, which I hope will help others who need to appreciate how wonderful they truly are.

Are you ready to appreciate yourself?

By Barbara Todish

My self-esteem was as sparse as my eyebrows, which were almost invisible!  My mom had little if any eyebrows, as well. She seemed to have brow bone that took the place of eyebrows and she certainly had loads of “back bone.” She was musically gifted, a classical pianist, maybe a genius, but she kept taking lessons to improve! In retrospect, she might have been happier had she been like her more glamorous sisters, but we will never know because she died in 2000.

I might have likewise avoided all glamour existence, identity, etc., for an alternative “tom-boy” like existence if not for finding my eyebrows! As a result of adding to my sparse eyebrows, I have gained a new “eye”-dentity!

Previously I was lacking in self confidence, so much so that I felt that instead of belonging, I was a quiet alien, even to myself. I used to attribute this “differentiation” to all kinds of bullying, abuses, etc. For instance, one of my earliest memories was of my mother saying, numerous times, “I wish I never had you,” to me and my younger brother. Because of this, I drank whatever was in the liquor cabinet at just 10-years-old when my parents would go out, and continued the drinking until I was about 50-years-old.

I focused on whatever it took to just survive.  I seemed to draw into my life all kinds of crises, especially “stormy and unstable relationships, for the most part,” (an exception was approximately 15 years as an airline flight attendant). I was always just living, barely living at all, always living on the edge of existence. I was unable to focus on future existence.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly, I began to extricate myself from what may have been an addiction to crisis.  I began to become aware of how the crises of my childhood made up a kind of practice identity that I believed was what I had to master in order to survive at all. I BELIEVED CRISIS WAS LIFE ITSELF! Then I believed for the longest time that I just had to make stability somehow come out of the chaos that was my childhood and family existence.  Now I know that the ANXIETY  OF AMBIGUITY can be a source of much creativity, innovation and pleasure, if  it can be viewed as possibilities and potential, instead of only the “dark (shameful i.e., being the “black sheep of a family, etc.,) side” of life. But now I know that kind of survival was wanting to hang onto a crisis identity, basically a family identity, even the despised black sheep identity, at any cost rather that risk choosing a powerful identity of my own making, namely “giving birth” to a family of oneself.

It took me a long time to take the, at first, baby steps needed to stop being the baby that my mother never wanted to grow up (or one of the three babies that she wanted to socially “engineer” to remain under her emotional control, as if she could “play” her children like the notes on her piano). I had a baby face, I was a baby boomer and a late bloomer, but what really helped more than almost anything else was when I allowed my eyebrows to “bloom”, of course with the help of eyebrow pencils and my intuition of where my eyebrows might belong, had there been more than I was given naturally!

Now I am grateful to just have eyebrow pencils, and I may still have an addictive type identity personality, etc., but it’s focused now on collecting eyebrow pencils in various colors, oh, and kisses, too!

Barbara answers our Identity Five!

1. What have you accepted in your life?

It took many years of patiently, and sometimes impatiently, being resilient to get to know what I was missing: eyebrows!

2. What do you appreciate the most in your life?

I am grateful that I “paid my dues” and had a RELATIVELY hard early, adult, etc., life, (who has an ABSOLUTELY hard life, after all if you at least survive) because I now can enjoy the little things in life, like the basics in life.

3. What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life so far?

I am able to take quality of life issues less seriously (perhaps I still take life and death issues too seriously, who knows?) This may be because I found my lost sense of humor. I’m trying to make my work be the play I missed out on, due to a childhood, etc., taken too seriously.

4. What is your not-so-perfect way?

What  concerns me a lot now, is that I might be be prevented from sharing the observations and reflections on  my past, unless I am able to re-frame the “darkness”, or write about my life as if it were fiction, or even that I may need to use a pen name or hire a ghost writer because I may have made SOOOO many bad impressions previously and I may need to make serious life ammends. It may be hard to know wwhere to start, and I may need help with this. In fact, I may have to learn a whole new way of acting, speaking,etc. (writing?) to become more like others and I may have to take acting, etc., lessons, just to act, etc,. more like others, because I am learning that there may very well be a possibility of being too unique to even comprehend yourself and your identity!

5. How would you complete the phrase, “I Love My…”?

For now, though, I love my “eye” identity and my identity too.

By Alice McCall

Finding and harnessing your inner voice is about tapping into your personal power; your ability to gauge what is the best answer to each question in your life.  It is about deeply having a clear vision of self at a soul level, versus the conscious mind.  Then not being afraid to listen to and trust the truth that your inner voice shares with you.

Sometimes the message we receive from our inner voice isn’t the one we were hoping for.  It could be a call to give up what has become familiar, to take on new challenges.  It takes courage to follow your inner voice, courage to surrender, courage to trust, courage to follow a new calling, and courage to make the hard choices.

Listening to your inner voice with courage is leadership in action.  It embodies putting yourself and your values first, creatively expressing your authentic self, and honoring what you want out of life.  When you take the time to learn who you really are deep inside, and honor that part of you, great things happen!

Each of us may ‘hear’ the call of our inner voice differently.  Here are some easy exercises to help you connect with yours.  Begin each exercise with a few deep breaths while in a quiet setting.

1. Use pen and paper.  When a thought or idea comes to you write it down.  Don’t think about grammar or spelling, just let it will flow out.
2. Talk to yourself.  It may feel a little odd at first, but talking to yourself can help you connect with your inner-most needs.  Recording the conversation is a great way to revisit the entire message, without the distraction of taking notes.
3. A picture is worth a thousand words.  It you are visual in nature, use it to your advantage.  Sketch, draw, or paint without a conscious purpose.  Go with the flow and see where it takes you.

If these exercises aren’t working for you, ask yourself simple questions, like:
•    What brings me joy?
•    What would I like to change?
•    If I could do anything tomorrow, I would…
Questions such as these are great tools for jump-starting your connection with your inner voice.

All of these techniques will help tune you into your inner voice, but the most important avenue for accessing and harnessing it is developing a practice of connecting with your heart.

Why the heart?  It is both a cellular mass of muscle that keeps blood flowing, and an electrical transmitter and receiver.  Scientific studies have compared the electrical activity (Cycles Per Second) between the brain and the heart.  The results are that the CPS of the brain averages 0-30 CPS, and the CPS of the heart is at 250!  Therefore, the heart is a much more powerful sender and receiver of energy and information than the brain.  The heart is also the only part of our body to be soul and God connected.

If this seems odd to you, take one of your fingers and point to yourself.  Where did you point?  I’ve done this exercise with hundreds of people and 99-percent of time they point to their heart or chest area.  Even your brain that controls all of your bodily functions knows that self, the embodiment of who you really are, resides in the heart!

Each of us are unique creations with special skills, knowledge, and purpose.  Although it can be helpful to seek answers outside of ourselves, when we rely on others input, we are receiving that person’s perspective through their unique lens.  Information and wisdom tailored specifically for you can be sourced from inside of you with the help of your heart and soul.  I begin every healing session and guided meditation by helping clients connect to the inside of themselves for that very reason.

Steps to try a heart meditation:

Focus on your heart.  Start with closing your eyes and quieting yourself.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  Then bring your attention to the center of your heart, your source of wisdom.

Use intention.  Set an intention for your meditation, as all follows intention.  For example, you could say, “I intend that I will receive information or understanding that will be useful to me in my life right now.”  Your intention will set the direction of your heart meditation experience.

Be patient.  When I started my practice of connecting with my inner voice through heart meditations, it took sitting in a meditative state many times before I received any information or guidance.  Consider the phrase ‘develop a spiritual practice.’  Like anything that requires practice, it isn’t always easy or immediately gratifying.  However, with practice, that which is rewarding, inspiring, and enlightening is just around the corner for you.
Make a commitment.  Commit to the practice of connecting with your heart and inner voice.  Be disciplined about maintaining it and amazing things will happen.  Soon you will be so hooked on your new heart meditation routine that you couldn’t imagine ever giving it up.

So you’ve connected with your inner voice, and received a pearl of wisdom, what’s next?  With continual practice, your inner voice can become stronger, a guiding force in your life that can lead you to your heart’s desire.

Alice McCall is a Cellular Level Healing Consultant who helps clients remove unwanted patterns, transform health issues, and connect with their heart and soul via phone sessions.  McCall’s book Wellness Wisdom and meditation CDs are available at www.HealingPath.info and Amazon.com.

So I went and asked our exclusive Identity contributors for their tips how to ACCEPT who they are, LOVE who they are and BE CONFIDENT. Check them out below, and feel free to post a comment with your tips!

By Nicole

For over half of my life I struggled with my body image. Tipping the scales at just over 100 pounds at 22-years-old, you’d think I would have seen what the world knew, and what I could not yet admit to myself: I had an eating disorder.

On many levels, I am the same person I was 20 years ago. On the other hand, I could not be farther from the life I used to live. Writing, for example, is something I have always cherished. I have kept a journal since I was 8-years-old. From love gone completely awry to details of what I had eaten, my collection of journals serve as reminders of milestones I have reached throughout my life. That of which is a journey, from a sick occupation with my body to an insatiable desire to prevent the disorder from affecting other young women in the community and being an overall champion for women and the unique issues that we face.

In high school, I wrote very little because I had reached a point where I had become so regimented in what I ate and the amount of exercise I would endure on any given day that there was no need to keep tally anymore. It would have been the same exact entry every day.

October 9, 1997. (I would be about 15-years-old at the time).
1 pear. 10 pretzels  (save the other 10 for tomorrow). Coffee.

It wasn’t until my early 20s that I was desperate to seek treatment, heal and recover from years of a destructive relationship with food. I am most proud of the decision to ask for help for my anorexia and bulimia. My physical symptoms and urges were bi-products of my lack of confidence and an immense pressure I put on myself to be perfect. One of the most challenging things for me was letting go of the so called “super woman syndrome,” being everything, to everyone, at all times. I was so intent on making others happy that I never allowed myself the time to reflect on my own needs. Two years at a Center for Eating Disorders in Maryland gave me just that, time to find my own voice.

In 2009 I quit my full time job as an Associate at one of the top four public accounting firms in the world and pursued my passion for marketing and won my first pageant! The business savvy I gained while obtaining my MBA, coupled with the desire to help other young women find their own identities on the pageant stage and in life, led to the launch of my own company Pageant Professors. And as the newly crowned Miss Delaware International 2012, I plan on taking my platform “No Body’s Perfect,” which promotes eating disorder awareness, to the national stage.

I look back on my life and regret spending so much time counting calories and criticizing my body in front of mirrors. But it was as if I had to be pushed to the brink of the impossible, to know my true potential, to understand what I am meant to do in this world. And it has been a result of my battle with eating disorders that I’ve been able to contribute to a world greater than myself. Becoming Miss Delaware International will serve as my microphone for increasing awareness about the severity and prevalence of eating disorders in the United States. It will also provide me with the opportunity to speak on behalf of those who are not ready to tell their own story.

In keeping with Identity’s mission of ‘Accept. Appreciate. Achieve™’, Nicole answers the Identity Five:

1.    What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
My weight is something that took time for me to accept. Once I realized that the number staring back at me was no indicator of my worth, it changed my life.

2.    What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I appreciate my positive frame of mind. Now that I am free from my eating disorders, I can think confidently about what the future has in store for me.

3.    What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
Starting my own company is one of my most rewarding achievements. There has been no better satisfaction that providing young women with the tools I wish I had when I first started competing in pageants. I have my eyes set on becoming the Executive Director of a state pageant system and becoming a national expert on women’s entrepreneurship.

4.    What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
I am a closet knitter! People think that because I appear in our Pageant Professors videos and are a natural networker that I am an extrovert. I actually have very introverted tendencies and prefer activities such as cooking, going for runs by myself and reading.

5.    How would you complete the phrase “I Love My…?”
I love myself and the people who have supported me on this amazing journey.

By Esther Joesph

Domestic violence is an aggressive confrontation between family or household members. These altercations involve physical injury, or the fear of physical harm, destruction of property, and sexual assault. These family units may include spouses or former spouses, current or ex-partners, relatives through blood or marriage, and those with birth or legal connections.

In 1992, The America Medical Association reported domestic violence as the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44. Three to four million women are beaten each year by their partner or spouse, one every 15 seconds. Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by their partners or ex-partners, 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year. A 1995 national study found that 31 percent of women surveyed admitted to having been physically assaulted by a husband or boyfriend.

Given these staggering statics, it would seem likely that almost everyone knows someone who is being physically abused in their home—they just don’t know it. Victims of domestic violence become experts at hiding their suffering and pretending as if nothing is wrong. They have to, because in most cases they are threatened with more abuse if they share their secret and expose their abusers. Since most abusers were abused themselves, they know how the cycle of abuse works and they become experts at intimidating their victims, convincing them that the abuse is their fault. As a result, abusers and victims appear friendly affable people in healthy relationships. But behind closed doors, the truth is revealed.

If you suspect someone is being abused, it is your responsibility to talk to them about your suspicions. But before you do, educate yourself on the subject, especially on the different types of abuse. And be sure to confirm your initial suspicion with more proof.

Here are some signs to look for:

Bruises—are the most obvious sign of abuse; victims usually try to hide them with makeup or clothing.

Clothing—take notice of change in clothing or unusual fashion choices that would allow marks or bruises to be hidden. For example, if they wear long sleeves during the dog days of summer.

Jealousy—victims may not say outright that they are being abused but might try telling in subtle ways. Something they may vent about issues in their relationship but stop short about talking about the abuse. Frequent talk about their partner’s temper or jealousy might be a tip-off.

Prepare yourself for the conversation because it may be unwelcomed and viewed as interfering. Know when to step back, if the person denies the allegation; simply express your concern and willingness to help. Approaching someone and bringing up the topic of abuse is difficult, but worth doing, as you might be saving a life.

Some myths and facts about domestic violence:

MYTH: Domestic violence is an epidemic only among the poor and uneducated.

FACT: Studies show that domestic violence occurs among all types of families, regardless of education, wealth, sexual orientation, and ethnicity. Lower income victims and abusers are indeed over-represented in the statistics, as they are the ones who seek public assistance and services.

MYTH: Only men are abusers.

FACT: According to the statistics and data of the Bureau of Justice, in 2003, 15 percent of reported victims of intimate partner violence were males. The Bureau believes that the number is greater since men often suffer physical abuse in silence for fear of shame and ridicule, therefore, most of the abuse might go unreported.

Esther Francis Joseph was born and raised on the tiny Caribbean island of Saint Lucia. She moved to the U.S. at the age of 16 with her mother and two older bothers. She holds a bachelor’s degree in international affairs from New York University. Her goal is to help others still in the grips of abuse and violence to break the cycle and find a way to a place of healing. She is author of the book Memories of Hell, Visions of Heaven—A Story of Survival Transformation and Hope (www.estherfrancisjoseph.com).

By Ellen Goldman

I’m sad…

I’m about to share something very personal with you.  I’m compelled to do so.

Family gatherings and parties are some of my very favorite moments in life. I am truly blessed to have a large family of folks who truly admire and enjoy each other.  During the holiday season, we get together often.

After a day surrounded by loving family and loads of great food, I usually return home feeling enormously grateful and happy.  But this last time, something happened and I came home sad.

Cuddling on the couch after dinner with my Mom, she sighed and said, “I can’t wait for all these holidays to be over so I can go back to my diet.  I really want to loose ten pounds this year.  I’m making it my 2012 New Year’s Resolution!”

What!  This is crazy talk.  You see, Mom is turning 91 next month (don’t you dare tell her I told you) and I cannot believe she is still obsessing over her weight.  I’ve been listening to this on and off for as long as I can possibly remember.

My mom was the original Weight Watcher’s kid.  She was always on or off her diet.  Either being “bad” or “good” depending on what the number on the scale said that morning. It was exhausting to listen to, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for her.

I’m quite sure being exposed to this while growing up influenced my choice of careers, although I don’t think I realized that for many years to come.  But what I did realize was there had to be a better way to go through life.  I was not going to spend mine on and off diets, measuring my foods, feeling good about myself one day, and bad the next depending on my food choices.  Or shopping for clothing that “don’t make me look fat.”

And although I figured out a lifestyle that helps me maintain a healthy body weight, and I never go on a diet, Mom did not.  Clearly the extra pounds haven’t affected her longevity.  A few extra pounds don’t affect health as much as some perceive it to.  But what about the stress, the hardships it’s caused her and the emotional lost time?

Now don’t get me wrong…my mother is one of the most optimistic, energetic and dynamic woman you could ever meet.  But it saddens me to think about what this has cost her- stress, emotional energy, decreased self-esteem, aching knees and bad back due to the excess weight, not to mention the cost of the many diet programs and special foods purchased over the years.  More than anything, the thought of all those wasted moments of distress despite the smile she always shows the outside world   To think that those extra pounds could stand in the way of her seeing the totally amazing person she is!  Augh, it makes me want to scream.

Is this a story you can relate to?  Have you been struggling to take off weight, whether ten pounds or a hundred, living your life “on or off” a diet?  If you’ve been living the life of diet, and that’s your solution, you’ll be 91 and still obsessing over what you ate at Thanksgiving dinner.

After working with thousands of clients and hearing stories that sounded way to similar to Mom’s, I knew that something in this environment is making it really hard for people to stay slender, and the solution is not another diet.  That’s just a temporary band-aid, but it’s not fixing the problem.  See the extra pounds aren’t the problem, they are the symptom.  The problem is a lifestyle that’s out of line with keeping a healthy body weight.

Ironically, I haven’t been able to help Mom, but I’ve helped a lot of other people through my one on one coaching.  I’ve changed my own life because of this, and I’ve changed other people’s lives.

The New Year has started, and I know that way too many people put weight loss on their list of New Year’s resolutions yet again. Are you one of them? I think that’s a mistake.  Rather than make a resolution, change your approach and make a plan!

Since that get together, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of how to reach way more than just my private coaching clients.  It has become my mission to teach as many people who I can, that going on a diet is not the answer, and it usually makes things worse!

If you want to lose weight and keep it off once and for all, you must give up the idea of finding the perfect diet.  Instead, begin to replace the idea of weight loss with eating for health and happiness.  Eat often and eat light.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied. Enjoy the foods that you know promote health and well-being, and keep sweets and junk food as an occasional indulgence, not a daily occurrence. Food is fuel, not a cure for boredom, anger, stress or loneliness.

Get clear on why it is important for you to take off the extra pounds.  Think about how carrying around the excess weight has been weighing you down not just physically, but emotionally.  Being relieved of the emotional burden, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and being able to have a normal relationship with food is a lot more motivating than fitting into skinny jeans.

Do the foundational work needed to achieve permanent weight loss before trying to change your food intake.  Determine your compelling motivators for change, explore your commitment and confidence level, prepare your environment and get support.  Permanent weight loss and a healthy relationship with food is possible, and worth striving for.  The answer is inside your heart, not inside the latest diet book, magic pill or drink.  You can do this, and I would love to help you.

Ellen Goldman created EnerG Coaching, LLC, to help people struggling with issues such as weight loss, stress management, getting in shape, life satisfaction, and other health related problems that can be affected by lifestyle changes. For information on her group coaching program, Mastering the Inner Game of Weight Loss, starting soon, or private coaching with Ellen,  please contact her at 973-535-8891 or ellen@EnerGcoaching.com

Acceptance is the key to any type of recovery.  Women often look to better themselves as if continuously trying to recover from the person that they are.  Identity Magazine’s EIC Susan Vernicek weighs in on the world of women when it comes to dieting, self-help books, and images.  Accept yourself now in order to be happier in the future.

By Susan Vernicek

You don’t need to look for greener grass. Three out of four women are unhappy with the way they look or feel and nine out of 10 women that answer our “I Love My” question without us guiding them, answer with a loving “family, kids, life,” etc. It is clear that women tie the way they feel to their circumstances and image. That’s why diet and self-help books are best sellers, and is the number one category for book retailers. Many of us women think we need to change ourselves in order to be happier. But, self-help programs aren’t the answer, at least not at first.

We must start with acceptance. Women can be happy with who they are without feeling the need to constantly change themselves and it begins with recognizing the traits that create our unique identities. I have mentored thousands of women to increase their confidence as the editor of Identity Magazine, and I suggest writing in a journal as the entry point to happiness. I believe writing is not only therapeutic, but a key to self discovery and becoming happier.

Susan Vernicek

Here are three simple tips to accept yourself through journal writing, even for those who are not writers.

1. Acknowledge Your Qualities: You must know who you are in order to accept yourself. Most self-esteem experts suggest listing out your best traits and the things you love. However, this can be a stumbling block for women who struggle with self-esteem. Instead, I advise you to dump it all out on paper – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-love is not about perfection or success. Your qualities make up the overall package of the things you are proud of, your failures, your personality traits, your quirks, and imperfections—mentally and physically. Knowing yourself inside and out is the first step to acceptance.

2. Release and Let Go: Each of us has had an experience that can affect the way we feel about ourselves, and deeply impact our self-esteem: harmful relationships, unhappy bosses, competitive friendships, a family at war, or even going up or down a size in jeans. I suggest you release and let go of these experiences, and remember, our experiences do not make up who we are. We can learn from them, but they shouldn’t define our identities. Simply releasing opens us up to accepting ourselves and our past situations.

3. Use what works:  Journaling doesn’t require a pen and paper or traditional journal at all. Find what works for you. If you are a computer person, sit with your laptop, if you are an extrovert, speak it out loud and video yourself! For talkers, buddy up with a close friend and chat it out. For those that are angst-filled and need to actively release, do something liberating like using lipstick to mark up your mirror with your thoughts.

I hope you find these first three steps valuable and consider taking action right now.

By Jen Hancock

One red flag is too many red flags. If a red flag goes off, it is going off for a reason. Ignore it at your own risk.

To quote from my book: “A healthy relationship is predicated on both parties being compassionate, ethical and responsible. If one of those traits is missing, there will be trouble in paradise.”

A bad relationship is someone who is harmful for you to be around. I list seven particular bad sorts of people that, if you meet them, you should run away from as fast as possible.

1. Insane. The most important thing that is needed for a health relationship is for the people involved to be healthy. If one is seriously mentally ill, you are going to have a difficult relationship. If you want to put in the effort, go for it, but it’s going to take a lot of work and depending on the mental illness, could actually be dangerous.
2. Drama Queens and Kings. If the person has a regularly scheduled weekly or bi-weekly freak out over whatever is wrong with their life this week, it isn’t going to get better. You need to decide if you can live with the drama or not.
3. First Date Confessions. Most people who have problems will tell you everything that is wrong with them on your first date. Troubled people love talking about their problems and most have impulse control problems so they can’t help themselves. Take what people say seriously. If they say they are dealing with a drug problem, they really are.
4. Bad Boys and Poison Women. Beware of people exuding magnetic sexual attraction. It may be exciting to be wanted by someone who wants you in such a raw animal manner, but all this person can offer is sex. It usually isn’t very good sex, because they are too self-absorbed to make a great partner. Though you will learn some new tricks and positions, it comes at the cost of a very narcissistic personality and the potential for STIs. Swingers who aren’t mentally unstable do not come off as magnetically sexually attractive – they just don’t. This isn’t a matter of sexual activity as much as it is a matter of sexually magnetic narcissism.
5. Basic Maintenance issues. If someone can’t seem to find housing, transportation and is always between jobs, they aren’t able to cope with the basic fundamentals of life. Unless you want to be a sugar daddy or mama steer clear. And for the record, sugar daddies and mamas don’t take people so incompetent on. They can’t be helped, don’t try.
6. Fool Rushing In. Sane people take their time in getting to know other people. If you meet someone who on first meeting has declared themselves head over heels in love with you, be afraid. Be very afraid. It isn’t normal. It isn’t flattering. They may be sincere, but by pressing for a commitment so fast, what they are really doing is hoping you will commit to them before you find out how insane they are.
7. Anger management. If someone can’t control their anger, they are dangerous to be around. This isn’t something you can work through. If they blow up at a stranger on a first date, or at you, they can’t control their behavior and emotions enough to even behave civilized for a couple of hours. This is the biggest red flag and the most dangerous one. Unless you like being emotionally and physically abused, avoid angry people.

Jen is the author of The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom. Please visit her website http://happiness.jen-hancock.com for more information.