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The Change You Should Never Make

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Diana St. Lifer
Written by Diana St. Lifer

Change. It’s something people either love or hate, embrace or avoid, or immediately label in their minds as good or bad. How we view change usually depends on our unique perspective, the type of change, and usually whether the change is considered voluntary or “done to us.”

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We should always be our authentic selves and never change to become what someone else needs. Join author Diana St. Lifer as she shares “The Change You Should Never Make.”


Written by Diana St. Lifer

Change. It’s something people either love or hate, embrace or avoid, or immediately label in their minds as good or bad.  How we view change usually depends on our unique perspective, the type of change, and usually whether the change is considered voluntary or “done to us.”

For instance, if your friend says, “My boyfriend changed his mind and decided not to marry me.” You’d think, ut-oh, that’s an unfortunate change of events. Unless of course you thought he was a jerk and saving her from of a life of misery, then you’d say that’s a change for the best. If you hate your job and decide to look for a new one that sparked your passion, most would say that is a good change; but if you were fired and forced to look for a new job, you’d probably consider that a bad change.

When you make a conscious choice toward positive change in your life; that is always good. But there is one change you should never make, and that is changing who you are to be someone you are not to please someone else. Yep, that’s a mouthful, but say it out loud right now and you will feel the power: “I will never change who I am to be someone I’m not to please someone else.” You know that just got your mojo going! That’s because it feels good to stand firmly in the confidence of your true self.

There are those times, however, when we feel compelled to conform to the standard, abandon our values, or compromise our beliefs in order to please or achieve. The voice inside our head says, “You need to be this way to make him/her happy” or “You need to be that type of person to get ahead.” Sound familiar? That voice can be very convincing!

Sometimes we succumb—for a little while at least—until if feels so uncomfortable, unauthentic, and downright icky that we wave the white flag and step back into our true selves. Hallelujah!

For those times that we don’t remember the mantra that proclaims loudly and boldly to the world that we don’t and shouldn’t have to change, here are 4 easy ways to recognize if you are compromising your true you to be something your not.

  • Changing to please or impress others is never sustainable. If you get that feeling that you’re not comfortable in your own skin, chances are you are wearing a false skin. Shed it and be yourself!
  • Ask yourself if what you are doing goes against your core values or belief system? If it does, you know that is not a change you want to make.
  • Compromise is OK. We all do things to please those we love. Don’t confuse acts of kindness and compassion with completely changing who you are to make someone else happy.
  • Staying true to who you are doesn’t mean holding on to destructive behavior. Being true to yourself means being true to your BEST self, which may mean letting go of bad habits and negative pattern.

You will always be your authentic self if you never change to become what someone else needs.


Identity Magazine is all about empowering women to get all A’s in the game of life – Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.™ Every contributor and expert answer the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. As a team, we hope to inspire and motivate ourselves and inspire you to get all A’s.

What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
I have accepted that the people who truly love me accept me for who I am, and wouldn’t want me to change to please them.  That is unconditional love.

What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I appreciate that I want to continually learn new things about myself, which in turn helps me appreciate something new in everyone every day.

What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
Watching my sons grow into independent, self-sufficient, creative young men has been one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences of my life. My goals for 2013 include growing my business to help even more teens become more confident, resilient, and self-reliant.

What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
I need some things to be just so. And I know that drives some people crazy. The pillows on the bed should be a certain way; the toilet paper goes over the roll, not under; and Heaven forbid socks go into the laundry inside out. I know it’s a bit obsessive, but that’s what makes me, me!

How would you complete the phrase“ I Love My…?”
Family—My husband and two sons, Alex and Luke. They are the three people who, without a doubt, unconditionally love me for just being me.

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About the author

Diana St. Lifer

Diana St. Lifer

Diana St. Lifer, founder of Choices by Design LLC, is a certified professional life coach who helps others get the most out of life through goal-oriented choice making and positive attitude development. In her work with young adults, Diana helps build their confidence, become more resilient, and develop a healthy self-esteem as they navigate the rocky teen years. The adults she works learn to understand what it means to live by choice, not chance, and how to make changes instead of excuses to get what they want and where they want to be.

Our lives are the result of the choices we make. When you master the process of conscious choice making, you can create the life you’ve always wanted. Diana helps others gain the confidence to move in the direction of their dreams in ways they never thought possible.

Diana is certified by the renowned Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, where she also became a master practitioner in Energy Leadership. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Communications and Post B.A. certificate in Child Advocacy. In addition to being a United Way-certified mentor, she is a co-facilitator of the Montclair-Caldwell (NJ) Chapter of Powerful You! Women’s Network.

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