Dating is a Life Transitions we take often, Diana Petrenos will focus on the natural and not-so natural stages of our lives. Each issue spotlights a particular transition, from graduating from college, getting married, being a mother to be, or helping your child get ready to leave the nest. Life Transitions will provide Identity readers with practical advice, tips and resources to help you achieve and see the bright side of the transition.
“Before we can have a successful relationship with anyone, we first need a perfect personal relationship.” -Russ Von Hoelscher
The transition from being single to dating and finding that perfect relationship seems like it could be easy. You want a guy who is nice, treats you right and is looking for that perfect relationship too, but then you start the dating process and you either start changing things about yourself to make the relationship work, or you put blinders on and don’t see the red flags.
For example, I was on an online dating site for a short time and you’d think in this busy world with all the technology, it would be the easiest place to find a person that you want to date. That was not the case for me and I found that it’s almost as hard as finding Mr. Right out in the real world.
What I learned about Online Dating
I learned that if a guy wears hats in all his pictures, then he is usually bald. If he doesn’t smile in any of his pictures then he either has bad teeth or no teeth at all. I’m not judging, just pointing out the facts or coincidences that I found. If he says his parents moved in with him, it means he moved in with his parents. If he uses a glamorous word for his job, then his job isn’t glamorous or it’s non-existent. Last, if he looks young in his pictures, then he is most likely older and looks nothing like his picture. With all these new findings, it’s no wonder that I haven’t found that perfect guy to date, because these guys are not being truthful with me or themselves. Online or off, how can you start a real relationship without honesty?
Like the character Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City when she thinks things through and then writes about them, well, I decided to do the same. I wonder out of all the men in the world, are there any left without issues or is it me who has the issues? I understand everyone has some issues and as you get older the pickings might seem slim, but it doesn’t mean you have to settle for less than you deserve and that was my issue…I was settling.
I did find someone who I thought was the person I deserved, but then realized I was settling for less than I deserved because I missed all those red flags flapping directly in my face. I wasted time on someone who really wasn’t worthy of my time. In order to see these red flags and attract the person you really deserve, you have to put what you want, need and most importantly deserve, first. To have and find that perfect relationship, you first have to have that perfect personal relationship.
Many of us are guilty of jumping into a relationship without having the perfect personal relationship first and when you haven’t established who you are, what your needs are, then how do you expect someone else to love you? So, how do we get this perfect personal relationship? Well, we get there by putting ourselves and our needs first. Take a moment to write down all that you want in a relationship with yourself and a relationship with the man of your dreams.
Repeat after me: When was the last time I put my needs first?
If you’re anything like me, it’s been a long time since I put my needs first. We often put others such as our children, our families, and our jobs’ needs before our own. Work on putting yourself first and start right when you get out of bed. I’m not saying to be selfish and disregard the loved ones in your life, but I am saying to put yourself at the top of the list. Do your morning workout, drink that cup of coffee, read that affirmation you want to read and meditate on, do something for yourself because it will set the tone for the rest of the day.
Find out who you are, what you like, dislike, and find out what makes you happy. If anybody asked you these questions, could you answer them honestly? Most of us, myself included, could not have answered these questions truthfully without having self-love first. We need to be honest with ourselves, before we can love others and start dating to find the guy that will love us back.
Appreciate Yourself Before Dating
It is very important to have this personal relationship first, where you can be self-confident within yourself. When this is accomplished, you can then appreciate and achieve that perfect relationship with someone else. You will find that special partner who can love you and appreciate you for the wonderful person you are.
I started a new list and it wasn’t about what I wanted in a guy, it was about what I needed personally in order to find a guy and have my “perfect” relationship. I decided to go back online one more time, but this time I went on ready and with my new list and I weeded out the guys that didn’t deserve me.
I haven’t had success with online dating, so I’m off the site now and just enjoying my personal, perfect relationship and time with friends.