Women's Interest

Intimate Q&A: Getting the Most Out of Your Relationship

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Identity
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Relationships can be complicated. Identity wants to help relieve some of the stress by answering your questions. Lisa Velazquez has the answers you may need in order to figure out everything that your relationship or your sex life may throw your way.


Lisa Velazquez

QUESTION:  My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. But, we don’t have oral sex. He wants me to let him give me oral sex. I feel really insecure about letting him do it to me. Why can I do to stop feeling this way about it? 

ANSWER:

Great question! First, I would like for you to ask yourself, “what exactly do I feel insecure about?” Is it the idea of him being completely up close and personal with my vagina? Some women are taught that when they start menstruating that their vaginas have officially become dirty. Please understand that your vagina is a self-cleaning machine, which follows a cycle like clockwork. “Or am I uncomfortable with receiving all the sexual attention?” Most women are taught to value and give of ourselves completely in our romantic relationships, yet we are not taught the value of receiving in them (especially when it comes to receiving sole pleasure in intimacy).

If you are having great sex with your boyfriend, oral sex can be a fun way to take it up a notch by trying something new that may add to YOUR pleasure. I recommend with any new sexual activity to prepare for pleasure. If you do decide to let him give you oral sex, have it at a time and place when you are comfortable and ready rather than when you feel pressured or too shy. Be sure to wax/shave, bathe and lotion up with your favorite (or his) fruit fragrance prior to engaging in oral sex. Hey, it’s fun to be irresistibly delicious! Feel free to include a game like Oral Sex Game for Her. This can help “break the ice” by both of you learning what feels good and what doesn’t to help your lover what to focus on for your pleasure. Remember to relax, breathe deeply and think to yourself “ I am delicious and I deserve to feel pleasure.”

QUESTION: Is it safe if I have sex with a guy without him wearing a condom during my period?

My question to you is what do you want to prevent? An unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection? Well either way, you still can get pregnant during your period. However, the chances would be less than during ovulation. Also, there is a higher chance of contracting an STI from your male partner, because during a woman’s period, her cervix naturally expands due to the blood passing out of it.

If a guy ejaculates inside of you without wearing a condom, and has any type of sexually transmitted infection (such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, etc.) it can be passed to you from his semen, which means you are at higher risk of contracting the infection. If you have HIV or a sexually transmitted infection, it will be carried through your menstrual blood in a higher concentration than in your vaginal secretions. And since there will be more blood around, you will have a higher risk of giving it to your male partner.

If you want to be safe get tested for any STI and make sure your partner does the same. The bottom line is that you need to use condoms until you and your sexual partner both have proof of a clean bill of sexual health. No exceptions!

QUESTION: I want to introduce my vibrator to sex with my boyfriend. How should I do it?

Most men are totally open for introducing the use of sex toys in the bedroom and will thank their lucky stars that they’ve found a woman who is confident enough to share this side of her sex life with them. However, since some guys may worry that your vibrator is making up for their shortcomings (no pun intended), it would be wise to make it clear that this is a sexual desire that you want to share with him rather than his competition. Because if there is another penis in the room (even if it is fake) that is what he will be thinking.

To put him at ease as well as entice him, you could say, “I want to show you something that really turns me on, and I hope you will like it too.” When you take it out remember to show him how you use it on yourself first! (A live porn session for his eyes only), then ask him to operate the controls during sex, so that he can feel like he’s participating in giving you pleasure. After a man sees how your vibrator is just an accessory from the “sex toolbox” rather than his understudy, then he’ll probably be cool with it.

QUESTION: I’ve been talking to a guy on Facebook chat and things got pretty HOT! How can I slow things down when we start dating in person?

Ah good old “cyber-courage” (the cousin of “liquid courage”) got you into a little naughty trouble. Technology has made it is so easy for us to go overboard with what begins as an innocent casual wink here and a “muah xoxo” there, when we are all safely nestled in our homes behind a computer screen. Chances are that this type of heavy flirtation can get someone “hot and bothered” for your first date by saying too much too soon. You are obviously not ready to take this to a sexual level, so I highly recommend that you have a talk with this guy about this online beforehand.

This is where “cyber-courage” comes in handy. The online chat will clear the air of any tension (sexual or otherwise) for you both before meeting in person. During your chat be sure to keep your tone casual, by saying something like this “hey, we got really wild online last time, so I just wanted to be honest and make it clear that while I might be interested in ‘going there’ with you down the road, right now I want to take things slow.”

When you finally meet in person keep things light and express genuine curiosity in learning about his interests, background and everyday life. Hey, you never know, he may have felt nervous about the sexy chat and may feel happy about talking things slow. After all isn’t that the whole point. Building a real life connection rather than a “cyber-sex buddy.”

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About the author

Identity

Identity

Identity is a National online magazine that empowers women to Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.™ Through a hand-selected team of writers and expert Q & A columns, our mission is to empower women to get all A’s in the game of life by accepting, appreciating, and achieving. We believe that once you accept a situation or circumstance and show gratitude and appreciation for what you currently have, it is then that you can achieve at a greater level within yourself and your life.

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