From the Editor

Sex, Dating, and Relationships, Your Intimate Q&A-March

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Lisa Velazquez

Question:

Last week I was hanging out with some girlfriends and talking about our “sexcapades” with guys. They all seemed to have a funny or exciting story when they were drinking. Do you think alcohol intensified their sexual experiences? – Jennifer, 34

Answer: I think the alcohol lowered their (performance) anxiety, which made them think the sex was more intense. Some women (even men) will have a few drinks before sex in order to lower their inhibitions. It’s a quick way for some people get rid of the pre-sex jitters. However, if you consume more than half a cup of alcohol (4 ounces), it can act as depressant. In other words, this can make you or your partner drowsy or another part of him drowsy (HINT: his penis). Although, the impotence would be only temporary, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what either of you had in mind.

Consuming an amount of alcohol beyond your tolerance level can surely diminish your decision-making abilities. For example, it can impair your judgment to stop and slow down when asked to participate in a sexual act that you would not engage in under normal (sober) circumstances. Alcohol can also stop you from thinking about if you even want to engage in sexual activity at all as well as applying the proper methods for condom use and/or remembering to take birth control. Basically, do your best to have sex sober or give yourself a one or two drink limit.

Question:

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life. Lately, I have wanted to do something different to spice things up, maybe even new positions. I am kind of nervous about telling him. What do you think is a good way to bring this up to him? What could I say? – Sonia, 32

Answer: Good for you! I love when a woman takes the initiative in her sex life! New sex positions or activities in your sex life can create a new level of intensity. But remember most men might interpret any new suggestions as a red flag signaling that you're unsatisfied with their sexual performance. To smooth things over, rather than making a suggestion take this as an opportunity to create a sexual invitation. Flattery will get you everywhere with a man when discussing all things sexual. However, don’t lie because that will probably give you a lot of what you did not want (sexually) in the first place.

To put him at ease, present your idea as a compliment first. Say, "Baby, I love having sex with you…I love it when you…(then say whatever you love that he does)”. “I love that I can tell you all my desires”. “I’ve been thinking about you all day and all the things I want us to do tonight”. “I would love you for you to do … (Then tell him your ideas)”. “Would you like to do this to me Honey? (Or whatever name you call him)" Let him respond and then just take it from there, girl. I’m sure he will love all the pleasure and positive reinforcement.

Question:

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up for 3 months. We just got back together, but I found out that my boyfriend has been hanging out with female "friends" he has had sex with, including one he hooked up with during our break-up. Is it appropriate for him to do this? – Michele, 26

Answer: Let’s be clear. A person that you have sex with is not your friend (even if they were before you had sex with them). And just because you are no longer having sex with this person doesn’t change that fact. You just refer to them as a friend, because you have chosen to be civil towards one another afterwards (because you don’t hate each other or maybe you run in the same circles of friends). But there will always be the memory of the experience that will linger for one or both people involved (especially if they are spending time together).

If you want to stay in this relationship, you have to make sure that you tell your boyfriend very clearly that you want him to stop spending time with these women in order to respect you as well as honor his commitment to the relationship. If he honors your request, then he is making a genuine effort to rebuild your relationship. Although, the fact that he is surrounding himself with “former” lovers makes me question his true intentions for getting back together with you. A man that wants to be with one woman doesn’t surround himself with women from his sexual past.

If he says he still wants to hang with these women, then this is not the right guy for you. Unless you are looking for a casual relationship from him, I don’t see how this can work out for you otherwise. It’s like the book says, "It’s Called A Break-Up, Because It’s Broken”. After all, he did have sex with another woman while you were broken up and he has chosen to keep her around as well as other “former” sex partners as if they are his boys!

Do I think this is appropriate? Hell No! This is unacceptable! If you want a real committed relationship, then you have to break up with this guy, be single for a few months and regroup to raise your standards. Please love yourself first and hold out for a relationship that is full of mutual respect, trust, emotional support and fidelity.

Question:

I am single and have been casually dating for over a year now. I finally found someone that I feel truly compatible with. We’ve been dating for 2 months and we haven’t had sex yet, but I really want to. The only problem is that he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend. It started with us running into each other while among coworkers at different social events. Then he asked me out for coffee, then brunch, then finally dinner. I know it may sound crazy, but my ex and I have been broken up for over 13 years. We were high school sweethearts and the break-up was mutual. We just grew up started to become different people.  Hell, we don’t even live in the same state anymore and we never kept in touch. I don't feel awkward about it, because his best friend was never around me when I was with my ex. But should I? What should I do?  I feel like we really have something. I haven’t been this happy in years! – Rachel, 30

Answer: You don’t need to worry or feel awkward. You were a kid when the two of you were together and you made a clean break (a lot of women can learn a thing or two from your break-up). However, I recommend that you take things slow. He is violating the "bro" code (this is his issue not yours), but you need to know why. He’s been dating you for 2 months, so there’s a chance he doesn’t care what his best friend thinks.

I am sure that you don’t want him to think you’re the girl from his hometown that he can just “hook up with." The next time you go out with him say this, “You know HIS NAME, I enjoy spending time with you and it has been cool getting to know you better. I’ve met guys that were just looking for fun and I respect that, but I’m looking for someone that wants to be in a committed relationship with me." Then just be quiet and sip your drink or eat your food. Just wait for him to respond. If he says that he hopes that you find the guy or he’s really focused on work right now, then you definitely know he’s not taking you seriously. He may just be holding out for some sex. But if says that he enjoys spending time with you and is looking for the same thing (specifically with you), then great. However, be sure to watch his actions to see if they back up his words. He has to prove that he wants a committed relationship with you not with someone else. Life is short, so I say go for it!

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Identity is a National online magazine that empowers women to Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.™ Through a hand-selected team of writers and expert Q & A columns, our mission is to empower women to get all A’s in the game of life by accepting, appreciating, and achieving. We believe that once you accept a situation or circumstance and show gratitude and appreciation for what you currently have, it is then that you can achieve at a greater level within yourself and your life.

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