Question: Last month, I ran into an old flame from about 5 years ago. He was someone I had lots of fun with and the sex was great! But it was casual for about 3 years. In fact, I ended things between us because it was going nowhere. Now, I am looking to get into a serious relationship. Maybe he’s looking for something serious too! Do you think that it’s a good idea to date an old casual flame if I am looking for something serious? -Marisol, 33
Answer: Although things were casual between the two of you, you were with him for 3 years. It sounds to me like you had plenty of time to get to know this guy and you did. I recommend that you stay open to meeting other men to find the relationship you desire. To answer your question, no, I do not think this is a good idea if you want a serious relationship. Why dedicate any of your time and energy to the opposite of what you claim you want?
If you choose to date this guy, you must start completely fresh, as if he is someone new in your life. Be sure to make it clear (by the way you behave) that you’re not looking for another casual relationship. Remember, men hear what they see. A man that wants something casual is always looking for a loop hole into your panties. You need to maintain your boundaries to avoid reverting back to the old casual ways. If a man is looking for a serious commitment, you’ll know by the way he treats you.
Question: I just got into a new relationship this month with a great guy. He’s respectful, supportive, romantic and more! I am so happy whenever we’re together. But I have this urge to wish my ex-boyfriend a happy birthday this week. We broke up 6 years ago, but we’re still friends (sort of). Do you think I should wish him a Happy Birthday just as a text? – Jessica, 27
Answer: I know all habits die hard, especially when long-term commitments are involved. But secretly connecting with your ex-boyfriend even via text can cause problems for your new relationship down the line. You need to ask yourself, is it worth creating problems for a great relationship over something that ended 5 years ago with a guy who is “sort of” your friend? Seriously, do you have to wish him a Happy Birthday? To answer your question, I don’t think you should send it. I’m sure he will live to see another day without a b-day text from you. I think you need to cut the wire on this guy, because one text will lead to another. If you don’t, then you’re just sending the message that you “may” just be available.
Question: My husband and I are both very sexual people. In fact we usually have sex every night. I take a shower, put on my sexy lingerie and I am ready! And I initiate it too! However, this month he doesn’t seem as interested as usual. He’s a trustworthy man and I know he loves me. I don’t understand why he’s not interested in sex with these days. I just don’t get it?! I’m sexually open! What can I do to get him to pay attention to me again? – Diane, 35
Answer: What seems to be the issue here is that your sex life is too predictable. It comes across as just part of your night time routine. And no one wants to feel like having sex with them is a chore. To answer your question, take a couple of days off from having sex. Just get busy, doing something else. Find a hobby that you’re passionate about and tell him all about it! (This will be healthy for your self-worth and your marriage).
Afterwards, tell him that you’re going to take a shower and then just go to bed early without sex. The key is to get him interested in you without initiating sex. It’s great that you love to initiate, but you need to switch it up. You have to let him be the initiator for a change for his desire to build again. Trust me, when your attention and passion are on something else, he’ll want to be back on top of you or he’ll want you back on top of him!
Question: The last couple of weekends that I went out with my friends I had a great time. When I got home I ended up drunk-dialing my ex-boyfriend twice. We talked for about 30 minutes each time. We’ve been broken up for over 2 years and I’ve been single ever since. I know I am so over him, so why do I keep doing this? – Vanessa, 29
Answer: If you really are over him, then you need to stop drunk-dialing him. I would recommend deleting his number from your phone. However, if you can dial his phone number from memory when you’re drunk, well then you need to give this some serious thought. To answer your question, you might just miss having someone to come home to after partying with your friends and/or being in a relationship. You just seem to be settling for late-night calls to fulfill this need instead, because it’s familiar and easier than dating. You may want to try coming home sober from hanging with your friends and see how you’re feeling afterwards.
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Great Q&A Lisa. Vanessa, I hope this helped you and I used to have this issue, but I delete all my ex boyfriends numbers so these calls wouldn’t happen.